I'm STUCK

First, take care of yourself. Make sure you are eating well, getting enough fluids in, resting well, getting exercise. I've spent hours journaling out my feelings, getting my anger out through exercise, listening to YouTube videos by Patrick Doyle, listening to sermons by my first church's pastor, listening to worship music and pouring out my heart to God. 9 months post Disclosure Day and I'm doing WAY better than before. But it took a lot of time and work on MYSELF.

Second, find other women to talk with and build a trustworthy support system. You can't do this in your own. You're going to need other sisters to help you through this process with love and truth. If you're already a part of a church, ask someone for help with setting up a meal train in this time of crisis. You don't need to give all the details.

Third, tell him there is to be no contact between your him and these other women. It needs to be cut immediately.

Fourth, he needs someone to keep him accountable to his actions. Is there a pastor he can talk with or another brother in the Lord whom he can confess to? Often isolation and lack of male friends are part of the cause of waywardness. There's so much more to it though. He also needs individual counseling.

Fifth, and you may have heard this in counseling, this affair was not about you and what you look like. It's all about what's going on in their warped minds that cause them to go AWOL in the head. And with all those years of porn, his head is still messed up with knowing how to manipulate situations and lie with a smile on his face. It's been learned at such a young age and it gets carried into the marriage.

You still need counseling sister. This kind of trauma requires you to work it out for YOURSELF. Maybe find a different counselor if you felt like the last time you went in it wasn't helpful. YOU need to heal whether you go or stay. I know you don't want to forgive but unforgiveness is a bitter poison that will eventually eat at your heart and soul. You'll end up the one with pain for the rest of your life if you don't forgive. Forgiveness is often a PROCESS, one that is necessary for you to heal. He certainly doesn't deserve forgiveness, but then again, none of us do. However, forgiveness is not really for his benefit, it's for yours. You're releasing him to the only one who can bring justice: God.

What he definitely doesn't deserve is your TRUST. He does not deserve one bit of it until he proves that he is trustworthy by his actions. He needs to come clean about all of it, every single affair and where those women are at now, if he still has contact, etc. Ask the tough questions.

You're actually not stuck. The power to stay or leave this marriage is in your hands. Don't make any rash decisions while you're in shock. I recommend reading Mike Genung's book "The Wife's Heart" to start the healing process and build you up spiritually. I also rec "Torn Asunder" by Carder. It's an easy read but you may find it hard to stomach at times. That book hit all the right topics for me in my time of questioning things. My H and I are going through the workbook and it has been very encouraging and eye opening.

Also, please find a marriage counselor. There are way deeper issues than the A. That's just a symptom of unhealthy stuff that's been building for years in your M.

And, pray. If not for your husband then for yourself and the kids. Satan wants to get in the middle of your marriage and completely destroy it. It's too soon to tell if your H has truly repented and come clean. That will take time. If you need to do an in house separation for your own sanity, do it. You need to feel safe right now.

If you want to know my story, it's in the Wives forum under Forgiveness Log. I'm praying for you. *HUGS*