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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2017 17:39:42 GMT -7
4 weeks ago my husband left for work and has never returned. Only texting me occasionally. Since then I have found out he as become addicted to porn and sex. I found pictures and emails on his email account. He has not denied it. Just says he is a bad man. Since finding out, I am constantly checking his email, following what hotels he is staying in and today all of his contacts from his phone downloaded to mine. I think it happened because I was accessing his email while I was on my phone. Contacts with names and emails that say exactly what they are. I can't seem to stop searching to find what he is doing. I am searching craigslist personals because he found people on there. Taking any clues I can to figure out exactly what is going on, where he is, who he is with. I know this is not helpful to me, but I can't seem to stop. He had a doctors appt. today so I stalked the parking lot. He never showed. How do I stop this behavior? I am so scared and lonely.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2017 19:34:01 GMT -7
Hon, I have been there. Hacking my ex's email accounts, Facebook, YouTube etc. God dealt with me about it. Why was I obsessing? I realized it was because I wasn't trusting God to deal with him. All I was doing was hurting myself. So I had to completely let go and let God handle him. I had to realize that I could do nothing...only God could...and my obsessing hindered God from working fully.
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Post by ladystrong on Jul 27, 2017 19:46:36 GMT -7
4 weeks ago my husband left for work and has never returned. Only texting me occasionally. Since then I have found out he as become addicted to porn and sex. I found pictures and emails on his email account. He has not denied it. Just says he is a bad man. Since finding out, I am constantly checking his email, following what hotels he is staying in and today all of his contacts from his phone downloaded to mine. I think it happened because I was accessing his email while I was on my phone. Contacts with names and emails that say exactly what they are. I can't seem to stop searching to find what he is doing. I am searching craigslist personals because he found people on there. Taking any clues I can to figure out exactly what is going on, where he is, who he is with. I know this is not helpful to me, but I can't seem to stop. He had a doctors appt. today so I stalked the parking lot. He never showed. How do I stop this behavior? I am so scared and lonely. [ I did the same thing before my husband's disclosure of his adultery and even after. It's a normal reaction because you are trying to self-protect. That means that you're trying to control the situation to avoid pain. You're also probably trying to "understand" everything and possibly compare yourself with every person he's looked at or been with. Problem is, you can never control the situation and you'll just end up going crazy with trying to dig for details. Another problem is that you will never fully understand why he did this, mostly because we aren't God and can't see into the other person's heart at every moment of every decision. It's hard to stop, especially in the early weeks/months of discovery. It's self-torture really. I still struggle with it but less so now 7 months later. Know that those feelings are very valid but you'll need to resist the urge to dig and monitor his every move. It will get easier in time but it takes little steps to stop. Right now, you need to TALK with someone about this. And in these early months, MEET with people or a therapist. You need people who can keep you accountable and encourage you through this battle. You're not alone, so many wives are going through similar situations but choose to stay silent. I can see that you're reaching out to other through this forum, which is good. Now I pray that the Lord would lead you to good face to face fellowship with other believers very soon. |
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Post by ladystrong on Jul 27, 2017 21:22:13 GMT -7
And I agree with Amy- let God be in control of the whole situation. I still struggle with wanting to know more about the other woman but every time I try to dig something up or think about finding info on her life now, my joy and peace gets stolen by her (and whatever terrible spirit is a part of her), I get irritated with our children, I lose focus on living in the moment, and I forget about the wonderful blessings that came out of this tragedy.
This is what I figure: God let this happen and He will lead me and my husband through it. The fact that He didn't intervene when He could have is significant to me. It shows me that He didn't want me to stay stagnant in my faith and He didn't want me to live in a fake marriage so He tore the facade away so I could live in a real marriage. Praise God!
I know how it feels to be lonely as well. Right now, there's no one else that I personally know who has gone through this and stayed married. It feels like a lonely road at times but I know He's right there with me every step of the way. And other friends and family are cheering me on.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2017 6:56:05 GMT -7
Thank you all for your wise advice. I have been trying to take control, I think because there is so little communication between us. I began letting go late last night after reading responses. I also called and spoke to a dear friend who happens to be a marriage and family therapist. Working on stopping the obsession step by step.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2017 7:40:42 GMT -7
Good job ... because honestly.. obsessing about it wont change anything. I think its a phase all us wives go threw but the sooner we let it go... the sooner God starts his work in us to heal.
At thos point its very important that you do anything and everything it takes to protect yourself so you have time to heal. Its slow but you will feel so much better once you realize.. its not your fault. Their is nothing you could have done to change it. It is his sin to carry.. not yours. And yes ... you can still love him and walk beside him while he fights in his journey without letting it destroy you. You can set the tools in front of him but its his choice if he uses them.
Their is a book by mike G on the BG website. For wives.. i would recommend you read it. Its a great place to start!
Hugs....
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Post by ladystrong on Jul 28, 2017 8:21:33 GMT -7
Thank you all for your wise advice. I have been trying to take control, I think because there is so little communication between us. I began letting go late last night after reading responses. I also called and spoke to a dear friend who happens to be a marriage and family therapist. Working on stopping the obsession step by step. Praise God! |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2017 9:59:42 GMT -7
And I backtracked and went to his email about 10 min. ago.  |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2017 10:26:37 GMT -7
It takes time to fully let go hon. Go easy on yourself. Do not beat yourself up for slipping. Keep giving your husband and marriage back to God every time you slip and take control again.
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Post by ladystrong on Jul 28, 2017 10:49:27 GMT -7
It's ok, there is no condemnation in Christ. It's a habit and will take time and conscious effort to change it. Give yourself time and space and turn it into an opportunity to surrender and lean on God. He will never fail you.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2017 21:12:03 GMT -7
It's not necessarily bad to check up on your husband. I'm not saying it's healthy either. God will deal with your husband and sin always finds a person out. My point, however, is not to guilt trip yourself over having looked at his stuff. Instead, keep the focus on you - your thoughts, desires, emotions, and needs instead of your husband. He doesn't define you. You are God's creation, and there is so much more to you than your husband's problems. Sending hugs and prayers your way.
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