Hi, carutherford and welcome!
Thanks for sharing with us.
"Ok, so, I did marry a PA, I just didn't know it. I don't understand this addiction. "
I would suggest reading and researching as much as you can about sexual addiction, how and why it manifests itself, etc etc.
The more you educate yourself about the addiction, the more empowered you will be to move in a positive direction (whichever direction you decide it is).
A whole
Knowledge is Power kind of thing...
"I don't understand how he can say he loves me yet continues to watch this crap. Everything is so jumbled in my head and heart. "
Most all of our PA husband's say they love us and then turn around and watch that crap, also. You are not alone in that.
That's the power of the addiction.
Our husbands have lied, snuck around, spent money, etc while driving us to feelings of extreme depression, low self-esteem, and hopelessness.
That's the power of the addiction.
It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with your husband's love for you.
It's just the power of the addiction.
If you saw a junkie on the street talking to his brother - would you assume that the junkie was incapable of loving his brother?
Of course not! Why would you just assume that?? That's kind of silly, since being a junkie doesn't solely dictate whether or not they love someone.
Kind of the same thing here.
Don't let his
addiction tell you how he feels about you.
I know, it's so confusing and seems to make NO sense.
But understanding that one, single concept can be the one thing that points you to a direction of recovery instead of hopelessness.
"I want out...but I also just want my best friend back. But was he ever my best friend when he was constantly lying to me?? I have suffered much in life."
I am sorry that you are going through this!!
I completely understand that you want your best friend back.
And if he can get serious about recovery and go in the name of Jesus, you have a
very real chance of getting your best friend back!
I know it's hard to get a grip on the real nature of your relationship when you are confronted with how much he has been lying to you...
I have had those feelings and uncertainties, too.
It kind of feels like the rug gets pulled out from under you and suddenly this man is a complete stranger!
It might be hard to see it today, but you really do still have a chance at restoring this marriage.
It's also completely understandable that you want out, so don't guilt yourself into feeling bad about that.
I know it's hard to keep suppressing the tendency for self-preservation when there is so much confusion and the trust has been completely decimated.
But divorce really should be a last option.
But then you wonder,
when is enough enough??!?!? How long do I have to do this? Is he going to make me miserable for the rest of my life??I think these are understandable and common thoughts for spouses of PA.
So, here's where I'm at:
I informed my PA husband the other day that I was done for good, I didn't want him anymore and wanted the divorce....
Everything came to a head in my heart and my mind took ACTION!
I would not advise this and this is why: because today, just a few days later, my husband is here doing chores for me around the house to show me that he is willing to do things to save this marriage.
(I'm not saying that if your husband does a few chores for you to stay married, but that's just where my husband and I are at right now!)
We are still working through it and he is trying to show me that he really does care about me.
I am glad I haven't signed the papers yet (At this point)
My point is to go slowly, and try the best you can to remember that tomorrow is on the way.
It's going to take a lot of time and also effort on your part because you have to recover, too.
You do this part for
you.
It's clear that this has already caused you great pain, (understandable! unavoidable! unfortunate!) so you need to make sure that you are on the road to healing properly from all of this.
Most all of us are going through these exact same things, so you are not alone.
It is very important that you understand that this is not your fault.
Reading this is a good starting point....
www.blazinggrace.org/its-not-your-fault/I am so sorry about the loss of your babies.
And I am so sorry about the pain your daughter has to go through because of her step-brother.
Stay strong and keep reaching out.
