Hi Carutherford,
welcome and God bless you.
"He started out telling me he resents me for things that are in no way my fault, then that I run his life and do not allow him to be himself. He doesn't feel like he can trust me with his feelings and I do not validate him."
This rings a lot of bells with me. I think there's a good side to this in that he's being honest. I have actually been in this situation (or close to it) and my feelings at the time were that I had been 'bullied' previously not to express my true feelings, and that this had been deeply painful for me and that now I was going to express them and this was good because this was honest.
However for me that occurred when I surrendered to God for the first time and everything changed for me spiritually, and God's Truth and Light showed me the importance of Truth and therefore honesty and that it was more important than anything else and therefore I should start to be radically honest with the people around me no matter how much that hurt them in the short term.
So in a way, the honesty is positive. At least this has come out and it is no longer in the dark. For the people in my life it was very hard for them not to basically be of the attitude of 'I wish you hadn't told me any of this and we could just have gone on as before'. Although that's completely understandable, I would hope that you can see that however painful this is, it is better to live in and deal with a difficult truth than to be deceived and believe a lie that everything is okay when it is not.
The worrying thing is that your husband said he was 'done with God'. I would guess that his understanding of God is judgement and pressure not to vocalise this problem he has, social pressure and the hypocrisy that goes with it. Christ may be a reality to you, but it sounds like it is not for your husband as he doesn't know the true nature of God.
Here's my real quick translation to you of what I hear your husband saying by this behaviour, based on what you have said:
1) I'm hurt and in pain and have compounded issues concerning sex and love that probably goes back to relationship with parents (you said they were strained)
2) I have never got the affirmation and love from parents that I needed
3) I still need that love
4) That love consists of someone hearing and understanding and seeing that place of hurt and corruption and pain, that manifests in corruption and degradation, and still loving me and being for me. In other words the Love of God, His light, being let in to that place to heal it openly, without judgement.
5) I don't feel that safety or that unconditional love to allow me to be fully honest about this, because
6) The Christianity I see around me does not allow me to do that, it is judgemental and would reject me if it knew about these dark places of hurt that I carry around with me that have not been resolved, and also
7) Your approach as a wife also makes me feel that I have not been able to be fully honest with you, because you seemed to have been most contented when I kept this stuff under wraps, under the carpet out of sight and out of mind. That may have been good for you, but it wasn't good for me!
8) I still need healing and the first thing is to be honest about the feelings I actually have and to share them.
By the way, that Love that your husband needs to heal this is not something that any human being can give. It is total Love, and that must come from the Father God. Love is the cure, and it can only be the love of God because only that is big enough.
None of that 'sex novelty' and 'swinging' stuff is the real cause here I don't think. The real cause is pain and hurt that has not been dealt with. Actually by you even HEARING this stuff now, that will be a tremendous relief for him as you are now sharing a burden with him that he has been carrying around by himself for a long time (so as NOT to hurt you, as he probably sees it).
I would encourage your husband to get into a Christian small group for recovering addicts (has to be Christian!) where some of these issues he has can be shared with others openly, so that they can be revealed and healed by the Love of the Holy Spirit. I would question whether your current Church, though good for you, is really doing its job if the Pastor has never got to know your husband sufficiently to have discovered this issue to help your husband with it. That is probably part of the reason for your husband's resentment towards 'Church'.
Have a look at these clips and maybe your husband could too:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQreWLUUqnE#t=250.741www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_GSX374IXkwww.youtube.com/watch?v=1l5BtYy2axYGod bless you! And by the way Almighty God is capable of healing this hurt and restoring your husband and you and your marriage to happiness with Him.
