Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2017 9:43:08 GMT -7
Thanks, Amy.
Maybe you can be less specific in your writing and just say "Butterfly and her husband's" instead, so we don't draw any more unwanted attention to that fact...?
*** I am reading this right now, hours later- kind of like a cold read - and I am afraid that you, Amy, might think that I am upset because of the way you wrote it or something- I'm not- not at all, I really don't care! I'ts not even your fault you have to deal with this, anyways!! lol. So please don't get the impression that I'm all huffy about it or something because of the way that I spelled that out in the sentence written up there - It seriously doesn't matter to me if you change it or not at all. It's challenging to communicate so much with someone when you can't ever use inflection or facial expressions!! Oh my! Thanks for being supportive and impartial here. You're the best and I appreciate you! *hugs* ***
I previously requested that he not comment on any of my threads or posts so I was surprised to see that.
I don't know why he responded here, since I have specifically discouraged direct interaction between us on the site....
We have phones and email addresses that we can use.
I clearly laid out my expectations in writing, so I am confused as to why he did that.
But it's ok. No big deal, I guess. Things happen & there's not much to do about it now.
I don't particularly feel like having my marriage turn into a dramatic circus on the forum, so yes, please treat us individually and show us both the respect that everyone on this forum expects and deserves.
While I do believe that everyone here has unfathomable amounts of knowledge and great advice, I don't really consider anyone here fit to play 'mediator' in my marriage right now.
I want to work on ME.
I want him to work on HIM.
Thanks, guys love you all!
Blessings.
*** I just got a text from him saying that it was a mistaken attempt from his side to keep himself accountable. He states that he realized it was the wrong way to do it, so he deleted it again. He apologizes for any inconveniences or issues, that was not his intention, but was his mistake.
Well now, you see there???
God just took an uncomfortable situation that had already caused stress and turned it into something positive!
Look at that communication!
I see things in a different light and they aren't so confusing anymore! YAY!
Thank You, Jesus for helping my husband with his accountability, communication, and willingness to make amends when there is confusion or a complication! ***
|
|
|
|
Post by ladystrong on Jul 11, 2017 11:27:57 GMT -7
You're right, no one on here should be a mediator. I pray that you both find one who can hear you out and point you in the right direction towards effect communication.
I do see that trust needs to be restored in your relationship and in the past you may have given that out too quickly. I did that with my husband as well. Now, on a scale of 0-10, I'm only at a 3 with trust. It is a very slow process even though my husband has been doing virtually everything right. After two years of being lied to my mind got kind of tweaked out so it's taking me awhile to believe everything he says. However, what has helped is knowing that he has other brothers he is accountable to and that I can contact them at any time if I see something amiss. My husband also realized that his very salvation was on the line and if he denied Christ by not confessing to me, that would be way worse than me leaving him. Plus, I see him waking up in the morning reading, praying with me, praying alone, meeting with other guys consistently, etc. so I'm beginning to bump up the trust number. But, like you, I don't want to be taken for a fool again so I'm watching and listening. I don't want to keep feeling pain again and again either. It's not fair to me or our children.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2017 15:41:00 GMT -7
HI Butterfly
I actually didn't see whatever was posted, it was deleted by the time I got back online. But this is a good step! Admitting a mistake and trying to make amends is great! There is hope! I also apologize if I seemed to be trying to mediate....I am a middle child so it is my tendency! I just wanted to share what has worked for me, to try to get some peace in my "tense negotiations" with my husband. I am praying for you. I hope for more steps forward and fewer steps back. ❤️
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2017 17:21:33 GMT -7
HI Butterfly I actually didn't see whatever was posted, it was deleted by the time I got back online. But this is a good step! Admitting a mistake and trying to make amends is great! There is hope! Hi, LM! Hope you are doing well tonight! Just to clarify, it wasn't anything that anyone would have considered inappropriate, shocking, dramatic, rude... not anything like of the sort! Not at all, so don't worry, you didn't miss anything. It was just responses to Lists #1 and #2 where he quoted me and replied via his account what he planned to do about the things I had listed and when. He was trying to keep himself accountable and wanted to make sure I knew that he was willing to DO things to show me that he could be a dependable partner. It was actually a great step on his part, but we both have an understanding that we are not going to use this forum to hash anything out together in public... ever. lol. Most members on here have already known that he and I are married to one another for over a month or so by now- He replied to my very first post on here with some very helpful and encouraging advice ... (woooommmp woooommmmpp- NOT who I wanted advice from at that very moment!) and he began his post on my thread by saying "Guys, I think this is my wife." Ahahaha. Cute. Now when I think about it, it makes me laugh. www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmBxVfQTuvIMaybe one day when/if we progress down good Ol' Recovery Road, we can share stories of inspiration & share our struggles together in a more positive light. Btu right now, we both just need help & support. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2017 17:29:56 GMT -7
HI Butterfly I also apologize if I seemed to be trying to mediate....I am a middle child so it is my tendency! I just wanted to share what has worked for me, to try to get some peace in my "tense negotiations" with my husband. I am praying for you. I hope for more steps forward and fewer steps back. ❤️ Oh My Gosh, don't be silly, LM!!!! No need to apologize, not at all! I really appreciate that you even bother to take the time to read and respond to things- You are a real blessing to people like me and I thank you for it!! Your advice is invaluable to me because we are fighting the same fight and you are speaking through a place of experience and prayer. I have sent this scripture over to my husband's minister couple that is counseling him along with a note and it just popped into my head again for you: "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God." Matthew 5:9
THANK YOU!!!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2017 17:46:28 GMT -7
You're right, no one on here should be a mediator. I pray that you both find one who can hear you out and point you in the right direction towards effect communication. I do see that trust needs to be restored in your relationship and in the past you may have given that out too quickly. I did that with my husband as well. Now, on a scale of 0-10, I'm only at a 3 with trust. It is a very slow process even though my husband has been doing virtually everything right. After two years of being lied to my mind got kind of tweaked out so it's taking me awhile to believe everything he says. However, what has helped is knowing that he has other brothers he is accountable to and that I can contact them at any time if I see something amiss. My husband also realized that his very salvation was on the line and if he denied Christ by not confessing to me, that would be way worse than me leaving him. Plus, I see him waking up in the morning reading, praying with me, praying alone, meeting with other guys consistently, etc. so I'm beginning to bump up the trust number. But, like you, I don't want to be taken for a fool again so I'm watching and listening. I don't want to keep feeling pain again and again either. It's not fair to me or our children.
Thank you do much for your support, Lady! "I do see that trust needs to be restored in your relationship and in the past you may have given that out too quickly. I did that with my husband as well. Now, on a scale of 0-10, I'm only at a 3 with trust. It is a very slow process even though my husband has been doing virtually everything right. After two years of being lied to my mind got kind of tweaked out so it's taking me awhile to believe everything he says."Yes! What you are saying here makes perfect sense to me. I think one of my main actions that has been hindering my recovery is that I am meshing complete forgiveness & complete trust all up in the same big ball and handing it over with both hands. The more I read from you guys, the more I am becoming enlightened to that fact. I need to stop thinking that "forgiving him completely and giving him 100% my trust all back all over again" with a clean slate is the appropriate course of action for me. This is also where I am confusing the words assumptions and trust. In my mind (and sincerely in my heart, too!) I am giving him my trust and totally willing to believe anything he has to say to me about things! But when I get the gut feeling, or the Lord puts something right in my face to show me that he is lying to me, then I begin the common-sense assumptions that he is, in fact lying to me. (Because 99% of the time in the past, he has been telling me lies. Years of lies. To my face. Even when I had hard evidence.) It was the classic, " What?? Are ya gonna believe what you see, or what I'm telling ya??"(Here we go, on the merry-go-round again... All of this spinning actually makes me nauseous....)  "However, what has helped is knowing that he has other brothers he is accountable to and that I can contact them at any time if I see something amiss." I NEED TO GET THIS IN PLACE BETWEEN MY HUSBAND AND I AS SOON AS POSSIBLE
I just had a revelation thanks to this statement. Wow! YES! "My husband also realized that his very salvation was on the line and if he denied Christ by not confessing to me, that would be way worse than me leaving him." I hope that my husband seriously gets this by now. I've talked to him about it... but sometimes the addiction does more than just make them blind to things... sometimes it makes them deaf, as well. If he doesn't get it now, I am confident that he will get it one day.... One of us could die in a car accident tomorrow- then what does all of this matter? To me, what matters most is spending days in love & joy with one another as much as possible. Nothing and no one is perfect all the time. Not possible- but this addiction steals away so many of the chances that we are blessed with to just love one another & be at peace at the same time!!
"But, like you, I don't want to be taken for a fool again so I'm watching and listening. I don't want to keep feeling pain again and again either. It's not fair to me or our children.."
Oh you sweet, sweet, mother! Bless you for raising this man's children with him....What a blessing both you and your children are for one another, no doubt. I love kids, but I honestly don't know how on earth I would manage raising children with all of the emotional instability, confusion, anger, guilt, and pain that this marriage causes me. I can't even imagine being responsible for other humans like that. I don't see myself as being strong enough in that to be able to handle all of the pressures and responsibilities that come with raising children while I am going through this with my husband. You deserve a medal in my eyes. Seriously. Bless you! |
|
