Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2017 19:08:12 GMT -7
For the first time in a long time I was real with my feelings... It didn't come out in a God honoring way and for that I apologized but since Sunday (the day I exploded) I've felt nothing but overwhelming sadness and anger. I feel confused. I have had guidance and am attending Al-Anon meetings but it only seems to confuse me more. Maybe because I'm still clinging on to fear. I'm still trying to control my sitiation and figure out just how to fix it. I've heard it repeated and even just last night. I didn't cause this addiction, I can't cure this addiction and I can't control this addiction... But I can learn to cope. How do I cope? If I had it my way I would take off on a retreat for 2 weeks to sort this mess of my mind out. But I have two young kids and its my husband's busy work schedule. He will end up working about 70-80 hrs this week. It's insane. I hate it. And we are going through all this on top of it.
I'm feeling extremely guarded... To the point it's stressing my husband out. He has been making efforts to "work on his addiction." But I feel my tolerance level for his addiction is zero. I see the women who have chosen to seperate either in home or out and admire their bravery. I feel confused about what boundaries to lay down and enforce. Just last night I said to him I will not tolerate him watching porn or racey subject matter, looking at photos or oogling the interns or other women at work. If I find out, which I will not nag or ask constantly, but pray God reveals then he's out of the house. His response... How can you set the expectations so high? I've never dealt with addiction on this level and it confuses me. Geez he is seeing a counselor, willing to go to counseling with me, willing to go to SAA meetings (when its convienent in his schedule). How understanding should I be? How much grace do I extend? I know these are only answers I can answer and need to work out with God. But really... We've been down this healing road before and I got burned again. I feel dumb. And now I'm fighting so hard to keep my heart from turning to stone towards him. I want to enjoy time with him... I want a relationship... I want a partnership... I want a healthy marriage. How do we get back to that?
I know there's alot in this post.. I've had alot building up the past 2 days.. Thanks for letting me share
I'm feeling extremely guarded... To the point it's stressing my husband out. He has been making efforts to "work on his addiction." But I feel my tolerance level for his addiction is zero. I see the women who have chosen to seperate either in home or out and admire their bravery. I feel confused about what boundaries to lay down and enforce. Just last night I said to him I will not tolerate him watching porn or racey subject matter, looking at photos or oogling the interns or other women at work. If I find out, which I will not nag or ask constantly, but pray God reveals then he's out of the house. His response... How can you set the expectations so high? I've never dealt with addiction on this level and it confuses me. Geez he is seeing a counselor, willing to go to counseling with me, willing to go to SAA meetings (when its convienent in his schedule). How understanding should I be? How much grace do I extend? I know these are only answers I can answer and need to work out with God. But really... We've been down this healing road before and I got burned again. I feel dumb. And now I'm fighting so hard to keep my heart from turning to stone towards him. I want to enjoy time with him... I want a relationship... I want a partnership... I want a healthy marriage. How do we get back to that?
I know there's alot in this post.. I've had alot building up the past 2 days.. Thanks for letting me share