Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2017 15:10:37 GMT -7
So I knew my husband had a porn addiction when he was a kid due to his parents poor decisions. I even knew he cheated on me when we were dating. I married him anyway. I thought he was genuinely sorry. I guess I was wrong because he has now defiled our marriage bed. He says he's committed to working it out, but his actions just say he doesn't want to take responsibility. He blames me, even though our pastor told him, "every relationship has problems. It doesn't mean you cheat. She wasn't controlling what you were doing." It's only been a few days since we started to try again. He has caused me to loose hope already and it's only been two days. A few people told me I was depressed because I couldn't stop crying for 3 days and now I just sleep a lot. I can feel myself slipping away.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2017 18:56:52 GMT -7
Hi Ashley. Welcome to BG. I moved your thread to the wives sections so our wonderful ladies would be sure to see it.
I am sorry you are having to deal with this issue. What you have posted is common. Many addicts blame shift. I am glad he is wanting to work on this issue. The best thing I can suggest to you is to arm yourself with knowledge. There are many good resources, books, videos, websites here. Knowing what you are up against and what to expect will help you feel more in control and you will find that you are not alone.
Hon of course you are depressed. Do you just look at those that suggest this and go DUH? You have had your heart torn out and trampled on and your world has been turned upside down. The question I put to you is this...are you going to let Satan win or are you going to fight for your sanity? The path before you is going to be rough but God will be with you all the way. You are worth the effort it's going to take to get you on the path to healing.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2017 18:21:29 GMT -7
Hello, Ashley and Welcome.
I am really sorry to hear that you are having to go through this, I can only imagine how difficult it is.
Do not beat yourself up for having normal human emotions.
Those are important to acknowledge, understand, and work through. Easier said than done, I know.
Give yourself time to be human and to work through those emotions.
It won't all happen at once, of course, but you owe it to yourself.
Betrayal in a marriage is much like a death- one that must be grieved for and processed properly before taking the next step.
Give yourself some time, you need it and deserve it.
But then, pick yourself up and get back to LIFE - more importantly, get back to life with God.
Fight for yourself- Remember God's promises to you and don't let your husband ruin your life.
This doesn't mean that you have to be strong and perfect all the time- that's impossible. Especially with a husband who doesn't even respect the basic principles of marriage.
But keep yourself grounded by realizing that God wants so much more for you than to be broken down by your husband, and He is willing to give you all of the love and security that you could possibly ever need or want.
Also, don't forget that you always have us here on the forum to vent to and correspond with.
Please just don't ever think that you are alone.
|
|
KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741 
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
|
Post by KevinesKay on Jul 5, 2017 5:09:01 GMT -7
Ashley,
Welcome. Keep coming back. You're among friends here. Thanks for sharing.☺
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2017 18:51:20 GMT -7
Thanks for sharing Ashley - I can relate to the post today drowning in a sea of hopelessness. Just when I am so filled to the brim with hope and doing well on my recovery I feel knocked down again emotionally, spiritually, mentally and even physically. Some days it's all I can do to put one foot in front of the other and I just want to sit and cry. I am going through a long recovery process from being hurt and neglected as a result of my husband's SA (which produced emotional anorexia). It's two steps forward and one step back for me at times. I know none of those things are not my fault (my husband's SA and emotional anorexia). Those things caused me to be emotionally atrophy ... where I was once strong and bubbly and vibrant. I have been weakened many times to my core and seem to go through life now as a robot. I am really doing all I can to stay out of my husband's issues and hang on for dear life as far as getting myself better .... God is my saving rock and I cling onto Him and His son for my salvation - sanity and help. He has put so much help in my path and I have done the footwork as far as taking advantage of the help He has sent. Some days are just harder than others and that hopeless feeling just lingers. There is nothing that one more day cannot make better and there is no pain too much for God. Right now and for the last few weeks I have been praying for discernment and I am focusing on building my trust more and more for God. Hang in there. I know I have made a lot of process over the last 6 mo since I began my recovery for partners. Sometimes it's just hard to see that in myself. If I can get better so can you.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2017 19:10:10 GMT -7
I know none of those things are not my fault (my husband's SA and emotional anorexia). I am really doing all I can to stay out of my husband's issues and hang on for dear life as far as getting myself better .... God is my saving rock and I cling onto Him and His son for my salvation - sanity and help. There is nothing that one more day cannot make better and there is no pain too much for God. Hang in there. If I can get better so can you. Beautiful. Keep it up! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2017 19:28:35 GMT -7
Ashley, the best thing that has helped me lately more than anything is working out of a recovery workbook for partners. It is really giving me a lot of direction with step by step recovery behaviors for myself. There is a lot of action things in this workbook and sections where I do a lot of writing. And it asks me a lot of questions about myself and gives a lot of options for me to choose from. There are all kinds of chapters such as feelings, dealing with anger and also a whole chapter on boundaries and expectations. And it is teaching me a lot about me. God is where my strength is coming from and He has placed many tools in front of me and directed me to all the helping things I need. It's up to me to do the footwork. I know I not responsible for my husbands' addiction and thinking or behaviors however I am 100% responsible for my co dependency and thinking and behaviors. The more I focus on myself the better I am getting. I did not cause my husbands addiction and I cannot control my husbands addiction and I cannot cure it. I have so many issues of my own to deal with ...always have and always will....I can progressively get better. It's two steps forward and one step back. With each painful step back I am learning ... its really just one day at a time. One of the main things thing I am learning is to not take responsibility for my husbands' recovery. I believe that In order for it to be lasting and meaningful to my husband I need to let go. When I focus on my recovery and pour all my energy and time into doing my work then I have little time or energy leftover to be worried about his. There was a point where I was so down that all I could do was barley get by daily. I built up a support system around me and began leaning on those people for help and really taking some action. Maybe sometime soon my husband and I will begin to do couple work. Right now that has been a big thing with us.....doing couple work together.... we are both new at this and it may be awhile before we are able to open ourselves up to this. We need to get to know one another all over again and start from a different place. It's hard for my husband and I to do when we have been together for so many years now. Long term patterns are hard to change. I am only wondering if my husband is as committed to changing behavior I am....I bet he is wondering the same thing about me...... four options for my husband and I are these:
1. stay together and both stay "sick".
2. get divorced
3. separate
4. recover together
pray and ask God for help ...it will come...sometimes in the least suspected places from the least suspected person or thing....
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2017 15:27:02 GMT -7
Thanks for sharing. You are not alone. There are so many women in this battle and are still in the fight. Many have dealt with depression and hopelessness. The women here are great and very helpful. Just know God is with you even in this horrible time. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. (((Hugs)))
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2017 11:39:07 GMT -7
Hi ashley...
Welcome.. 😄
😥😥😥😥😥 Right after you find out what your husband has been up to.. man the days, weeks and months after that are the absolute hardest days.. i am so sorry Ashley!
We are here to be as supportive as we can. Alot if us are still struggling with these things. Were all at different stages in our journey. You are not alone so dont believe the Devils lie when he tries to convince you no one could possibly understand your pain because we definitely can! I felt so Alone before finding BG. Now in my darkest moments i can turn to my friends on here to understand me and encourage me and set my stinkin thinkin to go in the right most positive direction.
When i feel like i cant breath.. their is someone on here to help me catch my breath. Im so thankful you found us.
Lean on God for strenght and remember to care for yourself during this hard time.
God loves you..
Hugs my new friend!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2017 9:57:24 GMT -7
Thank you all for being welcoming and especially understanding. It's a blessing that I found you all. I have a support group, but unless they've gone through it they can't understand. I had one person tell me to just stop crying. I was like are you serious right now. That came from someone who found out there fiancé was cheating on them the day before their wedding. It's been 3 months now. My husband has been more committed to our relationship then I have. We've only begun to start working on it. It's still rough because I think our marriage isn't going to be the same. I got some encouragement from a blog on BG though. It won't be the same it'll be better. That's hard to believe at times. How do you stay in that mind frame that it's going to be better?
|
|
|
|
Post by ladystrong on Nov 3, 2017 13:02:27 GMT -7
As someone who has gone thru 10 months of recovery from my H's affair, I feel I can tell you this: get out of that group now or just tell a few safe people about this. If someone is telling you to stop crying and just get over it they are rug sweeping and have no place to tell you how to feel. Recovery from an affair takes at least a couple of years, that's with solid marriage counseling and individual counseling, accountability, etc. The roller coaster emotion ride will continue for awhile. My H and I are 10 months in and doing much better but I still get hit with thoughts and tears when I'm PMSING.
It is hard to believe that things will get better at the stage you're in. The wound is still very raw and painful. It will take a lot of time to heal. Sometimes the commitment to staying in the marriage doesn't fully happen until months later. Since you are 3 months in it might be too early to really commit on your end- and that's ok. For some adultery is a deal breaker. For me, contrary to what I had thought before, it wasn't.
In this time, keep working on you and getting closer to God. For me, the A broke my fairytale marriage and forced me to fully depend on God. I couldn't depend on my husband anymore since he was the source of pain. Thankfully he understood that and has always given me as much time and space as I have needed. He knew he had to win me back and that he "effed up big time" (amazingly, we laugh about that term sometimes). He took responsibility for his actions and has been repentant. On a scale of 1-10 for trustworthiness, I currently put him at a 5. He knows he has to earn that back through consistent actions and honesty. He has done that so far.
What I've learned is that this tragedy inevitably alters anyone who experiences it. But, we can be altered in a good or bad way. For us, with all the hard work we have put in before marriage and now in this time of recovery, we're stronger than before. We work together and communicate with each other way better than before. We understand each other much better as well. We enjoy our date nights and make sure we have them often. I like to say that this was a "catalyst" to change for the good. Sometimes I want to thank the other woman for kicking my H's butt enough to get back on track with God and for causing us to draw closer to God and each other.
It's taken me a lot of practice to stay in the mind frame that things will and are getting better. I get hit with negative thoughts mostly during PMS, that's when I really have to fight the mind movies. Surrendering it all to God and telling Him I will do whatever it takes to do His will also helps me. Writing out and memorizing scripture helps me to remember that God is always with me and He has good plans for me and us. Isaiah 61 is my marriage chapter and I refer to it often. What has also helped is seeing that all of our hard work has not been in vain. We are helping other people with little issues in their marriage by sharing some of our story and offering suggestions, encouragement, and prayer.
My whole story is in the Forgiveness Log thread. There are a bunch of books I've read that are in the Resources page as well.
No matter what happens, you are God's precious child. He cares about you and will never leave you. Keep clinging to Him. *HUGS*
|
|
