Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2017 20:08:27 GMT -7
I'm 50 now and have been struggling with porn and masturbation since I was a teen. I've been married for just over 20 years now and my wife married me without knowing about it.
After spending hundreds of dollars amassing my collection, my wife discovered my stash of videos and magazines about 10 years ago.
I apologized profusely and promised her I would stop, but I couldn't. I tossed out most of my collection right way, the day I as 'caught'. But I kept some! I just got better at hiding it from her and the kids. And then came along the proliferation of on-line porn and faster internet service and faster computers. I couldn't wait for her and the kids to be out of the house for a few hours so I could binge on all that available on-line porn!
Last December, I slipped up and left my computer logged on to a porn-site. Not just any porn-site, this was a porn-site I'd been on for years and
even created an account/userid. Years of my clicking and adding 'favorite' videos and pictures. Years of comments I left showing my approval of the explicit acts I see in videos or describing in graphic detail what I liked about a particular model or what she was doing. I'd even uploaded some videos of myself doing things.
My sweet wife was shocked to read my thoughts published for the internet world to see: declaring what aroused me sexually. And seeing which videos, picture galleries and erotic tales I've added as "My Favorites".
This discovery broke her.
Last Christmas was the worst Christmas ever. She couldn't look me in the eye. Hosting family Christmas dinner was all fake joy for the sake of kids and family. She told me she was no longer invested in our marriage. She told me she has no more strength to fight for our marriage.
She wanted me to see a counselor who could 'fix' me.
In April, over lunch, for the first time in my life, I confessed by porn addiction to a good Christian friend.
He's my accountability partner in my fight to break free from the bondage of pornography.
We meet weekly and communicate by email regularly in between meetings.
Progress is slow....
"worldly sorrow" says "I'm so sorry it hurt my wife and busted up my marriage and makes me a less credible church leader".
"godly sorrow" says "I'm sorry I offended God"
I desire sincere godly sorrow!
After spending hundreds of dollars amassing my collection, my wife discovered my stash of videos and magazines about 10 years ago.
I apologized profusely and promised her I would stop, but I couldn't. I tossed out most of my collection right way, the day I as 'caught'. But I kept some! I just got better at hiding it from her and the kids. And then came along the proliferation of on-line porn and faster internet service and faster computers. I couldn't wait for her and the kids to be out of the house for a few hours so I could binge on all that available on-line porn!
Last December, I slipped up and left my computer logged on to a porn-site. Not just any porn-site, this was a porn-site I'd been on for years and
even created an account/userid. Years of my clicking and adding 'favorite' videos and pictures. Years of comments I left showing my approval of the explicit acts I see in videos or describing in graphic detail what I liked about a particular model or what she was doing. I'd even uploaded some videos of myself doing things.
My sweet wife was shocked to read my thoughts published for the internet world to see: declaring what aroused me sexually. And seeing which videos, picture galleries and erotic tales I've added as "My Favorites".
This discovery broke her.
Last Christmas was the worst Christmas ever. She couldn't look me in the eye. Hosting family Christmas dinner was all fake joy for the sake of kids and family. She told me she was no longer invested in our marriage. She told me she has no more strength to fight for our marriage.
She wanted me to see a counselor who could 'fix' me.
In April, over lunch, for the first time in my life, I confessed by porn addiction to a good Christian friend.
He's my accountability partner in my fight to break free from the bondage of pornography.
We meet weekly and communicate by email regularly in between meetings.
Progress is slow....
"worldly sorrow" says "I'm so sorry it hurt my wife and busted up my marriage and makes me a less credible church leader".
"godly sorrow" says "I'm sorry I offended God"
I desire sincere godly sorrow!
