Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2017 22:44:40 GMT -7
I shared a little of my story on the new registration page. My wife and I have been married for 12 1/2 years. We have 6 children ( 3 biological, 1 adopted and two fostering). Over the years I have struggled with PA on and off. Each time my wife discovered my use. I tried to use will power and each time I failed. I did not realize I was going into this battle carnal minded. I was trying to fight a spiritual battle in the flesh and it got me nowhere. Carnal solutions help but do not solve the deeper issues. I can get rid of my phone but that does not mean the issue is gone. I would always do good at staying away when I did not own a smart phone or computer. When I allowed these things back into my life, the PA was back. This told me the problem was never truly gone in to begin with. Trying to fight with my will power and my way did not work. PA is a spiritual battle that you have to fight with spiritual weapons. I needed a mindset and heart change that only God could do in my life.
I have been to counseling (with pastors and physiologist), prayed, did online Bible Studies but my heart was still not fully changed. The last time I fell was the worse it has been. My wife stated that the Holy Spirit woke her up one morning and told her to check the computer. She discovered that I had fallen again. What help me to fight this battle and use a different strategy was when I saw my wife cry harder than I've ever seen. My oldest children cried and said that they did not think I loved them because I would do such a thing. That was a wake up call for me. My wife was devastated and did not know what to do. Church members encouraged us to work things out. My wife came to me with a hammer and asked me to smash my phone. I took the hammer and smashed it. This was the start of our new journey. I don't keep a smart phone. I don't have internet on my older style phone. I don't use the computer at all unless my spouse is right next to me. We don't have internet in our home. My wife uses her phone as a hot spot to connect if we need or she uses the internet on her phone. We also go to the library as a family and my wife and kids use the computers there. This saves money and keeps our home safe. We don't have cable either. We watch DVDs and VHS tapes that we have purchased. My wife will check the news on her phone to keep me posted with that. I also catch the news on the radio. I also hear a lot of what is going on in the world from people at work. I did have a accountability partner but that did not last because he had many struggles of his own. Others I have reached out to where too busy and really did not have time to help our family. We learned that we will just have to lean on God through this journey.
My wife loves to read and loves learning. When she is worried she likes to become as informed as possible. She begin searching around on the internet and found BG.
Now what keeps me motivated to change is when I think about Christ and what He went through. He had to face so many trials in order to fulfill His mission. That story motivates me. The apostle Paul's story motivates me also. He went through so much yet kept his faith.
Opportunities to fall into lust are everywhere. You can't walk outside with out seeing it every where. With out a real heart change you are bound to fall, sin is always knocking.
I'm starting to learn that you can't always fix the problem. I have to allow my wife space to heal. I can't fix it, God is the one who is going to heal her. I have to do my part, but God is going to heal her. I have to keep seeking God and believe that God will heal my wife over time.
- After Christ I am the head of my house hold (I have to stay in my place as a husband and father)
- I have to always stay in prayer
- Study and read the Word
- Guard myself because sin is everywhere so I must always have a strategy
- Be open and honest with my wife (communication is key)
- I have to be patient
- Be determined
When images would pop up into my mind I would go into prayer. I would try to get alone when I can and get on my knees and pray. I would image myself before the Lord. I would just cry out and pray while I place my mind on a picture of being at the feet of God. After time this becomes a habit and it helps with those mental pop up images.
This week went well. I did not have many struggles and I stayed focused on work. I try to always have a plan, in my job you see sinful images a lot. My biggest problem right now is just that it is every where. You can't get completely away from it. This is summer so things are even worse. I see people every day wearing shorts that look like underwear. Women wearing see through shirts with no top under it, just a bra. Everyone wants to wear skin tight leggings as if they are regular pants with short shirts that don't cover the backside. Then women jogging in sports bars and no shirts What happened to indecent exposer laws? I don't even like taking my kids out because they have to see this.