What Do I Do When Husband Is Seeking Help But Lying About Me

Hi, Amy and Thanks for your response.
I hope you are doing well today.

This is the second or third time that my husband has claimed to have found God and is working on change (all of the other times before that, he just lied about it and told me anything he could think of to keep the marriage intact and to keep me from divorcing him).
He started going to church about a year ago when he first tried to convince me that he was going to be open and honest about his PA- he wasn't.

I always wonder when his rock bottom will be and pretty much started to assume that his rock bottom would be our divorce.
(God forbid he puts some other poor girl through this after me).
But honestly, I imagine he would make up some BS story about why we are separated/why we are divorced and of course, blame me for the dissolution of our marriage.

"Is he seeking help from a counselor?"
He has finally started talking to some people from the church and getting counseling.

"Is he attending a group meeting like AA or SA regularly?"
He is not attending any groups like AA or SA.

"Does he have male accountability partners?" 
I think he has finally gotten himself an accountability partner - a male - I just pray that he is actually being honest for once.

"Are you seeing a counselor? Do you have any close friends you can get support from?"
I am not currently seeing a counselor, and am extremely reclusive these days and do not have any close friends to get support from.
I have been dealing with this since 2013 on my own with prayer and trying to stay focused on all of the blessings in my life instead of how awful it is to have a partner like this. I thought it was time to reach out to the people on this forum- I have been reading on it as a guest for a very long time now.

I feel so much better about myself and my life when he is just... gone.
My chest feels lighter and more at peace as soon as he and him porn love are out the door.
It's like as soon as he, my extra laptop, and his phone are out the door, I am happy and at peace again. All is well. I start smiling again. I am relaxed. I am back to the old "me".
I am praying for God to help me to want to stay married to him.
He has put me through so much hell, and I am so sick of our entire marriage being about him and his pornography.

And these lies and half-truths are pretty much making me so disgusted to the point now where I just want to be left alone and left out of it all.

I can't stand drama and do everything in my power to keep it away from me and out of my house, but I know that no matter what, when you meet certain people, it's an unfortunate and unavoidable part of life.

Now that he actually seems to be seeking help, I wish that he would just grow up and take responsibility for himself instead of twisting around random stories to make me look bad. After all I have done to try to preserve his dignity and his reputation. 

I AM SO PISSED!

Thanks for reminding me that addicts are stunted in maturity.

Hi Amy thanks for your response.


"Hon I get in the same boat with being reclusive. Make yourself get out and get to know people."
Thanks so much for being understanding and empathetic to me. I need that so much right now.
And this is actually great advice.
I would never recommend that anyone go through this alone.

I really love being reclusive. It's hard to explain- I am very social, approachable, I am extremely quick to make friends and build bonds with random people. I am very giving and am always--- always-- doing things for random people and giving them things. I have been volunteering at the local homeless shelter for 4 years. I love making people's day a little brighter just during mundane things like a trip to the store. I always see anything and everything as an opportunity to bless someone else in His name with anything and everything that I can. I feel that it's the LEAST that I can do for Him.

I grew up in a small family, but was surrounded by tons of friends and even into my adult years, was still very very close to people that I had known since 1st grade. I threw baby showers, BBQs, small high school reunions at my house with people that hadn't seen each other in ten years or more, all kinds of stuff. I graduated at the top of my class with my first degree, and remained on the dean's list at a prestigious college near my hometown while I pursued my doctorate. All of this was done in prayer and for HIS glory. I would have never done well or made it through without God's intervention and guidance.

I am still so thankful for all of the blessings that He gave me during those busy 6 years of my life (and all of the years before that, too of course!). I actually just started to get tears in my eyes right now just thinking of all of the time in my life that I have spent praying and all of the time He spent answering. I have been so very blessed!

My life drastically changed a few years ago, and as a result of this, I consciously made a decision to see what life would be like without all of that extra noise in it. I quit school and moved very very far away (the BEST decision I have ever made in my life- ever!) and have since continued to be EXTREMELY careful and to limit my interactions with other people. This was all done in an effort to basically see what my life would truly be like without other people's static in it.

I am NOT advocating ANYONE leave their friends, family, and foundation and just go be on their own somewhere. Especially if you are a female.
But for me, now that I have lived both sides of the coin, I have realized that I really love just being with me.

I love my plants, I love to take care of them and to thank God for blessing me with them.
I love my dogs, I love to play with them and give them yummy treats all day while I thank God for putting them into my life.
I love to paint, although it has been hard to find the time to do that these past few years with everything that has been going on.
I love to watch movies, interesting documentaries, listen to all kinds of music. I do NOT watch the news, and haven't watched actual television since about 2007.

When I moved, I moved to another small community similar to the size of the one I grew up in. People all over here know me and say hello and stop me to tell me about their day and ask me how I am doing, how are my dogs, to thank me for a plant that I had made and brought to them at the store a while ago, to thank me for the ride the other day, etc. etc. Talking to people while I do my shopping is always fine, but I am always glad to get back home with my dogs where it is quiet (usually).

I am reclusive by choice, and continue to strive to remain that way as much as I can because I know it makes me happier in my life. It's not easy to turn down every social engagement I am invited to. It's not easy to tell people "I am sorry, I just don't give my number out, I only use my phone to call my grandma or 9-1-1." It's not easy to feel like I sometimes have to explain myself and explain to people why it is I don't want to meet them later for lunch, a Christmas party, or a Bible Study. It's not always easy to tell people, "I am sorry, it's not personal, but I am very reclusive, so I don't go out, thanks for inviting me, it really does mean a lot to me". It can be frustrating and sad for both me and the other person sometimes. It's not easy to remain reclusive, especially for a person like me. But it maintains a balance of extraordinary peace in my life that I am not willing to give up.

"You need to concentrate on getting you well emotionally and probably physically too. Stress and emotional trauma do a lot of damage to the body."
You are absolutely right.
The stress of my husband's PA has taken such an immense toll on me mentally and physically.

I have asked my husband (mostly told him, actually) to leave the house probably 5 or 6 times by now, (It's so hard to keep track of all of this drama) and each time, I use that time to begin my own recovery process. I get back to focusing on myself and where I am at emotionally. I asses the damage and pray for God to make me strong. I pray that He gives me a forgiving heart, and I pray for Him to either help me restore this marriage, or get this man out of my life. I pray for the love, peace, and comfort that I so desperately need. And I thank Him for being a friend to me that sticketh closer than a brother. I thank Him for being there for me and for healing my heart. To me, my husband's absence is my recovery time to get back on track inside of myself and then welcome him back home when he is ready to try again, and when I am, too.

"Really give some thought on individual counseling for yourself....You could try going to a support group for those that have addicts in their lives. You would meet others that can understand what you are experiencing."
That is most excellent advice.
I think that I will start here on the BG forum as far as reaching out to people for continued support and advice. If I really feel like I am starting to lose myself, then reach out to the community and talk to a counselor or attend a meeting somewhere.
For now, does this sound like a good idea to you?
I have been reading about PA for years now, and finally reaching out to a help forum might very well be the next step for me and it might really help me a lot. We shall see, I suppose. So far, I am doing well. And you have been great, thank you again so much for taking the time to respond to my thread. 

"Addicts can and do go through cycles of sobriety. The thing that you need to be aware of with an addict is their walk with God. When they get further from God and get lax in their boundaries then they are more likely to get back into the addiction. Addicts have to remain strongly rooted in God and they have to be constantly vigilant about their boundaries. I have been clean 9 years now and that is what I have learned. If I neglect my walk with God or get lax in my boundaries then I have a tough time with urges and triggers."
Thank you so much for reminding me of this and putting this in the forefront of my mind- I must always be aware of how he is doing with his walk with God and if he is really being sincere in it. Yes surely this would be a huge indicator in whether or not he is staying sober and being honest about it. Very good point you have made.

GOOD JOB and Congratulations on 9 years, I am sure that you have blessed SO many people on your journey and here on the forum.

Thank You.

You're the best!
I definitely intend to consider any advice that I can glean from anyone with experience in this.
Thanks so much for your time and for your thoughts. They mean a lot to me.

I am going to go water the plants, and give the dogs some lunch. 
I would love to have a veggie garden soon! Maybe I can pick your brain sometime and you'd be kind enough to give me some tips and tricks!

Hope to talk more soon, praying for you to have a wonderful day today. 

*hugs*

Hi, Kelly!

It's so nice to know that there is a place for me here.
Thank you so much for your support and thoughts.

I am already reaching a place of such clarity just being able to write in this forum things that I have had inside of me for years.
Thank you all for giving me that gift.

If I had a nickel for every time a man hurt me, we could go on vacation in the Bahamas together. Forever.

lol! ...

*tear* *sniff*

It's nice to be in a place here where I can relate to others who know pretty much exactly what I am going through-
Thanks, Goldie.

My husband frequently said things to me when I caught him in lies and he was still denying it such as "I know you only think I do things to deceive you and hurt you, but I am not. I am not lying and would never hurt you" and "I know you think I'm just this bad, terrible, lying man, but I'm not" etc...etc...

So in effect, he was lying to me about what he was doing on his computer and his phone, getting caught in his lies, still lying about it, all the while trying to make me believe that not only was I wrong in not trusting him or believing his lies but that this was all happening because of me- As if somehow, for some unknown ridiculous reason, I actually wanted him to turn into this 'terrible, lying man', so I was looking for things to make this become my reality.

....Because he certainly wasn't lying to me.... !
He never said that! Someone else is on the wifi, that's not Him! He never promised he'd never look at porn again! He never said he would not get wifi or data on his phone! He's never been on Ashley Madison in his LIFE! Am I sure that all of that porn is not actually from me and I just forgot I watched it??

HOGWASH!

I found this behavior very alarming because I have dealt with narcissistic personalities before, and am well-aware of their MO and the tactics they use to manipulate and destroy those 'closest' to them.

The biggest and most damaging technique that my husband used during our dating (2014-2015) and our marriage (2015-present) was gaslighting.
I honestly do not know if it was only because of his PA, or if he got some sort of sick enjoyment out of watching, seeing, and hearing me suffer.

Healthy relationships have room for respectful disagreement and consideration of one’s feelings, but with the narcissist, gaslighting and constant emotional invalidation become the norm. Gaslighting is a technique abusers use to convince you that your perception of the abuse is inaccurate. During what's commonly called the "devaluation and discard" phases, the narcissist will often invalidate and/or criticize your emotions, and displace any blame of his or her abuse as your fault. Frequent use of phrases such as “You provoked me,” “You’re too sensitive,” “I never said that,” or “You’re taking things too seriously” after the narcissists’ abusive actions are common and are used to gaslight you into thinking that the abuse is indeed your fault or that it never even took place.

Narcissists are masters of making you doubt yourself and the abuse.
This is why victims so often suffer even after the ending of a relationship with a narcissist, because the emotional invalidation they received from the narcissist made them feel powerless in their agency and perceptions.

I have read and experienced first hand that narcissists: 
(Just to list a few)

1. Are highly reactive to criticism or anything they assume or interpret as negatively evaluating their personality or performance.
This is why if they’re asked a question that might oblige them to admit some vulnerability, deficiency, or culpability, they’re apt to falsify the evidence, hastily change the subject, or respond as though they’d been asked something entirely different. My husband does all of these things.

2. Have low self-esteem.
This facet of their psyche is complicated, because superficially their self-regard would appear to be higher and more assured than just about anyone else’s. Additionally, given their customary "drivenness," it’s not uncommon for them to rise to positions of power and influence. Inasmuch as their elaborate defense system effectively wards off their having to face what their bravado masks, they’re highly skilled at exhibiting, or “posturing,” exceptionally high self-esteem. But their deeper insecurities are yet discernible in their so often fishing for compliments and their penchant for bragging and boasting about their (frequently exaggerated) achievements. My husband obviously has low self-esteem.

3. Can be inordinately self-righteous and defensive.
Needing so much to protect their overblown but fragile ego, their ever-vigilant defense system can be extraordinarily easy to set off.
Many non-narcissist share how difficult it is to get through to their narcissist partner in situations of conflict. It’s almost as though the narcissist's very survival depends on being right or justified, whereas flat out (or humbly) admitting a mistake—or, for that matter, uttering the words “I’m sorry” for some transgression—seem difficult to impossible for them. My husband's MO. 

4. Project onto others qualities, traits, and behaviors they can’t—or won’t—accept in themselves.
Because they’re compelled from deep within to conceal deficits or weaknesses in their self-image, they habitually redirect any unfavorable appraisal of themselves outwards, unconsciously trusting that doing so will forever keep at bay their deepest suspicions about themselves. Getting anywhere close to being obliged to confront the darkness at their innermost core can be very scary, for in reality their emotional resources are woefully underdeveloped. (Fundamental lack of self-insight). For in a variety of ways their rigid, unyielding defenses can be seen as more or less defining their whole personality. My husband definitely projects.

5. Have poor interpersonal boundaries.
It’s been said about narcissists that they can’t tell where they end and the other person begins. Unconsciously viewing others as “extensions” of themselves, they regard them as existing primarily to serve their own needs—just as they routinely put their needs before everyone else’s (frequently, even their own children). My husband only cares if HE is getting something out of it.

How does one differentiate between a narcissistic personality and the traits that stem from PA?
I see many of them as being one in the same.

There are also some traits that are commonly identified with narcissistic personality disorders that my husband does not have, which is why I have bothered sticking around.

"Narcissists can push the spouse to jump off a cliff. "
Boy, you can say that again.

I keep asking myself the same questions goldie...
Hugs...