How long do I fight

Right... So the details. He was fired from his job for sexually harassing a coworker about 3 years ago. During that time he had a come to Jesus moment and was in Celebrate Recovery. I had not gotten the support I needed at the time but he was sober for months. We moved about two years ago. He wanted to find a Celebrate Recovery group where we are now... He went to one meeting and decided the people there weren't being transparent enough. He hasn't been back. Our new church has been very supportive of us. There were even a few men despite their busy schedules that took and take time to meet with my husband and discuss his struggles with pornography and looking at women surrounding him. Since he was recieving this accountability I stopped asking him how he was doing and thats when things got worse. He wasn't being completely honest with the men from church and was still trying to view porn on his work computer, his work issued cell phone and at times at home. He's very smart and has found ways around porn block that I have on our home computer...and will view things like risque music videos...women on instagram etc.. Anyway about 2 months ago with the guidance of a woman who has mentored me I confronted my husband and asked him what was going on. He admitted he was struggling again and badly. (That's when I found out about him viewing things again on work issued electronics). I was dumbfounded. He was risking his job yet again... And not only that but tbe obvious straining our relationship. It took me talking to his accountability men and they really laid in to him on the severity of his addiction. What really triggered this is that an intern started 2 weeks ago that has caught his eye and has become the idol of his fantasies. He says its his last hurdle in overcoming his addiction as he hasn't felt the same pull to view things online. Part of this as well is he will sneak pictures of women of their butts and then use them later to relieve himself. Well sadly for him he hasnt discovered the recently deleted folder in his cell phone...and I checked today and sure enough had a few photos of other women. It makes me sick to my stomach. He says he loves me and that he wants to be with me and our family yet his actions display another story. He has done the minimum to try to appease me and his accountability while "trying" to escape temptations. He has yet to tell his accountability about the most recent day (yesterday) and he tried to lie to our counseler on Monday during our session saying we were doing well and making progress. Anyway I've been in this back and forth for 3 years now. Where he makes strides and things are great and then he's back in to his sin again. What the kicker is for me this time is this intern.. I mean if he does what he did at his previous job he's getting fired again.. Today he said to me he had to go to an event and both female interns were sent with him. He said to me over dinner I did really well (yeah I disabled your camera on your phone this morning) and he said well I may have started to look but I looked away. It all SOUNDS good...but how can I really believe him? I want to believe him but there is no ounce of trust left right now...probably because he keeps shattering it. He has made no individual effort to be proactive in reading the material the counselor has given him, find a 12 step program or seek out resources to aide him in recovery. He has 2-3 men he is accountable to but doesn't proactively reach out to when he falls...only after I asked have you talked to any of them about this yet...I get no..but I'm going to. He reads his bible some mornings for 15 min or so. And has the covenant eyes app on his phone with a daily reading which he may or may not be doing. All this to say I feel like I'm being drug along. That he makes me believe things are getting better... Provides a false sense of well being and then rips it right out. Most likely unintentional...I honestly believe he has no idea even though I've tried explaining it to him several times. Meanwhile we have two young children and one on the way... So I really just have no idea what the right choice is. I've been praying... I try to be in my Word daily as I know and realize this battle really isn't between him and I but is a war for our souls and the souls of our children. That's the only reason I continue to fight but honestly how long? I know it will be a losing battle until he takes a solid stand. Is he close? Does he genuinely care or is it all a gimmick? This is where I try to remember he has a mind of an addict but really... Really... What does that mean?

Hi Amarie,

well from a recovering addict's perspective, here's a couple of thoughts:

1) This is bad. There's no getting around it. And honestly it seems to me like you might as well face facts: your husband is a full-fledged sex addict and ideas like 'this is my last hurdle' and 'is he close?' are probably not going to help you. That is not his last hurdle, that's the first hurdle! And no he is not close, and honestly I don't think it works like that. Your husband (like myself) is 'sexually broken' (as David Kyle Foster would say). This is probably caused by a lot of pain and hurt from childhood/parents, etc. And recovering from this condition is almost certainly a years-long journey of rehabilitation out of pain and guilt and shame and towards the Love of Christ Jesus Our Saviour. And (in my experience) it is a process of inches at a time, not sudden or quick deliverance. Although big disclaimer this is certainly possible and the Lord delivers people suddenly from things all the time. But I do not have direct knowledge of it happening for anyone with sexual brokenness, maybe because of its extremely personal, intimate and spiritual nature. For example today I have 14 days clean, and that is a MASSIVE win for me after 8 years of trying to get clean from this. Should say though that a lot of that was spent in wrong-headed attempts that your husband can hopefully avoid and skip by listening to the good advice on this forum from the people here (who have really helped me), and from other resources like Pure Passion, etc. Probably the main thing of all was that for years I didn't take this problem SERIOUSLY enough. If there's one thing to communicate more than anything, it is that this is a REALLY big and difficult issue to overcome, and imho you have to be prepared to delve into the real deep issues of the soul and allow the Father's Love to heal there, in order to see any progress.

2) The good news is there is a cure!! The cure is Love. The True Love of Our Father in Heaven, and lots of it.

3) It is a great sign that he reads the Bible! Also the 'looking away' during the event. Don't undersell this. If he was being sincere it is huge. 'Looking away' is the tool your husband will ultimately use to stay away from sexual sin. There is no other. One of the myths is that staying away from porn is a 'passive' thing. It absolutely is not!! Have you heard 'all it takes for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing'? Well its exactly the same in sexual morality. To beat this you have to be ACTIVE and vigilant in warring against it, consciously deciding to beat each temptation away as it comes towards you for Jesus' name's sake. It is an attack by the devil don't forget, not just something people 'decide to do' in and of themselves.

4) Three more practical pieces of advice are:
a) Zero Tolerance. This is really for him not you. There's a lot of things in your description about techniques and ways to minimise or reduce or prevent his acting out. One thing I have discovered is its either zero tolerance or nothing. Six months where your husband's behaviour is 'improved' is not nearly as good as one full day where he has purposely kept his eyes and actions completely away from indulging sexual lust all day. And if he can't do that yet, one full hour. And if not that, one full minute! But for that minute, it has to be zero tolerance.
b) with that in mind, it has to come from HIM (as Amymine said). I would like to ask your husband one question, 'do you WANT to have completely clean days? Without any form of sexual impurity or lust indulgence at least in terms of eyes and actions'. It sounds like he may not actually have asked himself that question and genuinely been able to answer in the affirmative yet. Without that, there's no point in trying anything. He might still be in the deception that this is something that is in some way 'normal' or 'okay'. That is the first and most important battle to focus on. For me the pathway that has worked so far is 1) utterly want to be rid of this from my life 2) Therefore work for 'clean days' - full days that are fundamentally clean from acting out 3) by the joy and blessedness that comes from those clean days (because boy its AWESOME!) be motivated and led by the Holy Spirit to pursue more clean days.
c) If he DOES want to get clean, he needs to find strength in getting closer to God, that's the first and overwhelmingly most important thing.  Also in fellowshipping and hearing the testimonies of other Christians. Can you get your husband to join this forum and give his testimony? Also possibly a 12-Step programme might be good. For my money, this has to be a overtly Christian meeting. I joined Sexaholics Anonymous and went to a few meetings, but found it did not work for me because it was not Christian enough, and ideas like new agism were too prevalent there - they never work. (Only Christ works!!)

Of course this stuff only will work if your husband actually wants to get clean and wants to go to meetings and join forums and listen to testimonies. The best weapon you have is PRAYER. Pray to the Lord Our loving Father in Heaven that He does a work in your husband's heart to bring him to real repentance and a willingness and earnest desire to give up sexual sin completely, whatever it takes.


As for the question in your thread title, for me this answers it:

13 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

The boundaries and consequences you set are for your safety and peace of mind, not your husband's. They shouldn't force you to take on the role of his babysitter. Sit with the Lord and think about what you need to feel safe. God has shown me that I should not allow this sin in my home. Therefore, I require that in my home there be no porn, no lying, no hiding things from me, and no secrecy (my husband liked to have conversations with "lady friends" and insist they were innocent, yet he could never explain why if they were so innocent he kept them from me). It's not my job to play detective to try to find out if he's violating these rules. If I feel he is, my God given intuition is speaking to me. While I'm sure what I know about my husband's sexual sin in just the tip of the iceberg, his sin will find him out each and every time and tastes of it are presented to me. Since my husband chose not to abide by the boundaries I set, I was not comfortable having him in my home, so we have been separated since March. And THAT is due to his choices, not mine. If separation is too much to handle (and it may be - don't fault yourself for that at all), think about whether separate bedrooms or any other situation would feel alright for you. I hope this helped. Saying prayers for you!

BTW, boy can I relate to what you wrote. I totally think I have PTSD from living with this. We wives are shell shocked in very real ways from this. Take care of yourself. It's crucial. Hugs!

My mind has been non stop since I've encountered the idea of boundaries. Even to the point where I was waking up at night. I have been attending Al-Anon meetings since there is no close S-Anon meetings. I've decided that I first need to sink in to Step 1. I also picked up the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I also started the book "Living with Your Husband's Secret Wars
" by Marsha Means. All this to say that I'm just starting to recognize the beautiful mess I'm in.

It's a mess. Just a mess. 

In trying to cope without resources I feel like I've created an even bigger mess. I've become my husband's accountability. I am co-dependent. I try to monitor and keep my husband from making the choices I don't want him to make instead of having him face consequences for making those choices (control). It's a mess. I know it's going to take time to clean up. Much like when you first move and have boxes and organizing to do on top of the daily activities of cleaning and taking care of daily life. 

For the first time I feel like I'm starting to accept just where we are at and learning that only I have the power to change me and only I can make choices for myself. 

It's hard to face the reality that he may or may not choose our family without all the blocks I have in place. 

I'm thankful that God has shown me resources and supportive people around both of us. I'm choosing to embrace that. I hope my husband does too. 

Hello, Amarie.

I highly recommend Mike's book, The Wife's Heart: Healing from Your Husband's Porn Addiction & Adultery.
I just read it a few days ago, and boy, do I wish I had bought and read it years ago.
In it, he discusses "Boundaries, Consequences, and Control", and I really feel like he gives some great, common-sense, and God-fearing advice.

He suggests to 'pray for wisdom about the consequences God wants you to have in place if your husband crosses your boundaries....some boundary violations (such as an adulterous relationship) should be nonnegotiable, while for others there is room for flexibility...predetermine your boundaries and consequences before discussing them with your husband...if he's unwilling to take the action steps necessary, the consequences must be immediate.'

I wholeheartedly agree with Kelly to not feel rushed- pray Pray PRAY for God to move inside your heart and direct you.

This is going to be a long, difficult process for both you and your husband, but God wants to see you happy and fulfilled just as much as He wants to see your marriage succeed in love and forgiveness.

Move at your own pace, ask God to help you with these decisions and to illuminate truths to you as only He can with time and in His infinite wisdom.

Feeling like you have to be your husband's gatekeeper is draining and should NOT have to be your job as his spouse and partner.
This is something I constantly told my husband when he finally expressed wanting help in keeping him away from porn.
If I wanted kids, I would have had my own!! Know what I'm saying?

You are NOT your spouse's gatekeeper- Your spouse is an adult and must make his own decisions on what he does or what he doesn't do.

You can't live your life trying to control your spouse in order to keep him out of trouble, but you can hold him accountable for how his actions affect you and your marriage.
And you should.

Support him, encourage him, hold him accountable- but don't take on the role of his gatekeeper.
Your husband needs to get to the root of the issues and start to make his own decisions according to what he wants his future to be like.

We are praying for you- stay strong- you are doing great!