Goldie's Nuggets of Wisdom

I love the 12-step programs. I was a member of one for over 10 years.

And the people I've met from groups like Al-Anon have learned a lot of tools that helped deal with their issues at hand.

My experience is that someone who chooses to allow God to work in his/her life via a 12-step group is demonstrating strength as opposed to weakness or sickness.

When I met my husband he swept me off my feet. I never once pursued him he came after me hard. It was a whirlwind. He was charming sweet thoughtful kind supportive and just adored me to no ends. I had some indication that something was off however I shoved that intuition down and carried on. Right after our wedding day ( the very next day ) it was bait and switch. He began to withhold information that was regular normal info and so it goes the next few years.... lies... withholding ....gas lighting. Subtle put downs. Subtle control. I actually thought I was going looney tunes..... I was going looney tunes. He would pick fights and argue about anything and everything. I had been in counseling already for awhile and just kept seeing a counselor trying to make sense of it all. The work I did in counseling those years FOR MYSELF WAS PRICELESS. I really did some deep work for ME clearing away a lot of wreckage from the past in my childhood. It was after I did all that work in counseling that I began to really seek out the truth about my marriage. Things where revealed to me a little at a time. That's when I knew the truth about my husband's sex addiction ( I call it sex addiction instead of porn addiction because I learned that rarely is it ever only porn ....it incompasses so much more ). My personal belief and that of many readings is that porn addiction is outdated. Ever hear that 60 is the new 40? Sex addiction is the new porn addiction. What I came to know in my marriage is that my husband has tried to chip away my mental capacity to think clearly in order to lie and use sex and not be detected. It was really a no brainer though.... I knew something was off for years upon years and several years ago I began bringing things up which of course caused more agreements and caused him to be even worse towards me as far as trying to tear me down. About 2 years ago I faced the truth that I had married a narcissistic personality type. He is not a full blown narcissist - he also has been very passive aggressive - he has destroyed any glimmer of being connected. He has tired to really push me over the edge. On the outside he really looks like a model husband. Even the whole family would agree. However that too is one of his characteristics - this treatment is only reserved for the spouse. No one else and it's behind closed doors. My husband has not once even come close to being physically abusive.... it's all been emotional. The sex addiction was still active and the crazymaking was bad. In Oct 2016 I told my husband I wanted him to go to treatment. He said he would except he did not go. Finally Jan 2017 I was at rock bottom and knew I was not gonna make it. I dug deep and did some many very specific things .... a series of big and small things for myself to become strong and I started to feel better . For the largest majority of my life I have been bubbly, fun, joyful, happy, smart, physically fit, full of energy, interested in things and very dedicated to myself for all kinds of heathy things and life. It was in Jan 2017 that I saw myself for someone else.... sad depressed confused hurt angry fearful disinterested in life and unhealthy overweight and just a pile of mush. My brain felt like mush. I was actually starving and really hurting from lack of love and touch and emotional connection with my spouse. In April 2017 I found the courage to give my husband a choice. He made the choice to go to treatment. He came back with a new resolve ..... did not last long..... nothing changed. He had been diagnosed as intimate anorexia. This is a serious serious issue and there was finally a name to it all. He said he wa working a program of recovery and I half way believed him. I too began a serious road of recovery for myself. This intimate anorexia truthfully is total deprivation of anything good emotionally from that spouse in a true loving way. My husband has really not been forthcoming about anything still. He has continued to undermine our marriage. The difference now is that i have a dependence on God that I have never in my life had. And I KNOW MYSELF now. I have often heard it said that God allows certain events and people to enter our life for the betterment of us. For events and people and things to push us to depend on him. So I feel blessed and grateful. My husband does display and posses a lot ... a whole lot of wonderful qualities he really truly does. He has outstanding qualities too many to even list. It's just baffling how this thing works. The partener is the one who gets all the crap. And no one knows the truth. That's ok I can live with that. I can state the truth here and people know it's true and understand. Right now I am working a lot and I am saving my money. For many many many years I was financially independent even married I could have still cared for myself. Now after all the depression and isolation it has been hard getting back to a safe financial place for myself. I make good money when I work so I am working a lot and just beginning to save up.
My husband and I are going together to a treatment place for couples work. I have hope because God instructs us to never give up hope. However I also know that after this long and after all of everything I am mainly going to get help and healing for myself. I am keeping an open mind and will do all that they suggest. The main thing is that I am now capable of having boundaries that I actually really do follow through with. I relized our marriage was over years ago really from the get go.... I spent years trying to convince myself that my husband's good quilted where worth slowly dying for and I became very co dependent sick. I am better now and I have all the happiness and joy back in my heart like before. I am defiantly still not my true self as far as my lively spirit however it will come back a little at a time. I do plan on filing for a separation and divorce soon after that. I think for me it's the best choice. I will still give the treatment for couples work all I have except I am still preparing for my departure. One other good thing amino lots of things I have gained in this 17 year experience is control over my emotions and also going with my gut and not ignoring it. And learning about how to recognize safe people from cons and unsafe people. It has jotcall been a loss .... there is always a lot to gain from any life experience and learning from other people

Goldie... you are so strong and an amazing woman. I've followed your struggle and you have worked so hard. I know that you have done all you possibly can do to save your marriage... sometimes i guess it just doesn't turn out the way we hope. I to am worried that i will eventually have to leave..once i have gained my self back.. my strength back. It might be the only way i can truly be happy again. I understand your pain.
You have been giving it one hell of a fight and you are a inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing. Wereever your path leads you. I pray you get peace and happiness, love and pure joy, health and prosperity all the rest of your days my friend.
God will take every step with you.
God bless you Goldie.
Hugs....

I am removing my registration from the forum. I have found a specific recovery program for spouses / partener of sex addicts. I am working the recovery workbook and have attended a partener meeting. I really feel that ( only for myself ) that the Forum did help me to to a place where I can establish long term help and actual healing. The partener recovery program is very very very different that this formula and it rarely even focuses on the addict.... it's 100% excersices and work on myself. Since there is zero I can do for my husband and his SA I am focusing on me. Whweter we stay to geteher or not I still need the SA partener program. Just in one week I have done 100% better in dealing with SA affects on me using the partener recovery program compared to when I was on this forum ally. I still feel this forum has its place and use. Sometimes it's the only one life line however all someone needs to do is reach out for other resources such as a Pyrenees recovery workbook .... when I started that program is whwb I knew I would be ok 100% no matter what! It's God centered too! I am my happiest when I am not focused on my husband and putting 100% towards my dailies and such I am so happy! Good luck ladies!

Good luck Goldie. I am sad to see you go. you brought much wisdom and help to the ladies here. God bless you on your continued journey to complete healing.