Goldie's Nuggets of Wisdom

Tee, IA is Intimacy Anorexia. Many sex addicts struggle with intimacy when in relationships.

I would love to dig into this subject but am dealing with a migraine. Going on 3 days now. I will chime in when this headache lessens.

I want to talk about looking inward. I had a very trying month in May. And actually had a breakdown.... it was a big one. I won't go into detail on other things besides my marriage relationship that have been going on in my life.... there is a lot. However I am grateful for the lows because without those I cannot see the lesson or growth.
Feeling like I was so desperate and at the end of my rope I gave it to God. I asked God to fill me up. He did. I have experienced a miricle. I am calm and feel more loving and kind than ever in a long time. I also was given a gift of seeing how I really have behaved so wrongly in calling my husband names and yelling at him and all the anger I gave harbored. It's not my husband who has kept me down....it's me. My attitudes and my stuff that has kept me down. I am just at a total loss right now of how I am going to handle my husband's IA because that issue is actually a depriving thing to the spouse (me ) and it hurts and it is awful. Also thrown in with gas lighting and lies and manipulation .... I am now going to seek God. I need answers.... I want to know how to handle for lack of a better word .... the crap. How do I handle it with grace? How do I handle not being loved in a healthy way with kindness and grace? I have had so much anger I was not able to do that. God has calmed me now. I know prayer and God..... I just need an answer .... most everything I read ...., have seen .....been told by my counselor is you can't handle it. The only way to handle it is to leave. I have a hard time with this though because I do not want to leave. I only want to leave as a last resort. How does a person know when that should be the last resort? These are things I am seeking answers to. I know God can handle everything so will turning it over to God and praying that things go according to his will ( not mine ) work? I am gonna accept God's will for my life and go the way he wants me to. Not what I want to do. How will I know what is his will vs my will?

It's not always easy to know what the will of God is for each situation. I think staying in the Word and prayer helps. We have to be discerning and listen for the Holy Spirit. I also ask my self if the choice lines up with what I know about God and His Word. I try to walk by faith and do my best. There is no perfect formula for it. If I get it wrong God's grace is sufficient for me. I trust that He will restore me even if I make a wrong choice. We are a fallible people and won't follow God's will perfectly. And that is OK because where we are weak He is strong. He can put the puzzle together in spite of us not having all of the pieces.

Forgiveness -

Christians are commanded to forgive every sin committed against them. Mtt. 6:14-15, Mk. 11:25, Lk. 6:37, 11:4.

It applies to each of us and we must obey or be reckoned as hypocrites and phonies.

We forgive the instant we discover somebody has sinned against us. We simply choose to forgive the sin.

We can do this because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts. Ro. 5:5.

If you say to yourself you can't forgive a particular sin you are a liar and the truth is not in you.

If you are saved, you can forgive as God has forgiven you. It is a choice. Col. 3:13, 1 Jn. 2:4-6, 1 Co. 10:13.

Wounded, hurt and bruised; you forgive, and keep on forgiving the sin of those who are sinning against you.

You can learn to forgive from your heart, and get better at it: It's basic Christianity.

Heart's Right: So Prayer Works
Next we ask God to forgive the one who sinned against us. He promised that He will if we ask Him to. Jn. 14:13-14, 1 Jn. 5:16, Jas. 5:16. We ask Him to bring them to genuine repentance. That is His speciality; He's very good at it so leave it to Him. Jn. 16:7-11.

When, in due course, the one who sinned comes to us, admits their sin, and asks our forgiveness, we can then forgive them of their sin. Do you see the difference?

You forgive the sin, and the one sinning, the moment it occurs; but the one sinning can't experience your forgiveness until they repent and ask your forgiveness.

This way you guard your heart and stay Christ-like walking in love, even while the guilty one continues in sin. So Father can bless you, and use you to convict the sinning one.

You are able to do this because God supplies the love, power, and grace we need to overcome every situation that He allows us to be in. 1 Co. 10:13, Phil. 4:13.

How do you deal with the nagging worry she will do it again, and lie about it?

You must get the Power Baptism, and stay filled with God's Spirit, He is the only Counsellor you need. Listen to Him constantly: Do what He says. Jas. 1:22.

I AM the Way
You renew your mind according to His Word; not the world's word, not the Devil's word, not your word, but God's New Covenant Word. Ro. 12:2.

Then you will experience the daily victory Christ died to offer you.

This way is a well-worn path travelled by countless of your brothers and sisters through the centuries, ever since Christ forgave the adulteress caught in the act, and thrown at His feet. Jn. 8:1-11.

Will you take it, and let Him lead you in victorious procession through this little trial of your faith?

The Holy Bible was written for liars and adulterers

Hi, Goldie.
Are you doing ok tonight? *hugs*

"I am wondering if any other wives are in a program of recovery? With a counselor or pastors wife or sponsor ? Also I am wondering if any other wives are reading co dependent material and contacting other SA wives in recovery outside this forum. I read that many pray I am wondering if prayer is done in early morning and at night as well. Is anyone else who is a spouse of SA going to 12 step meetings? I am only wondering. I have looked and looked and looked on here to find some wives who are working some type of program of recovery themselves."
I wish that I was so that we could discuss, but I am not involved in these things at this time. I hope some others are and reply!

"Maybe I am one of those who is " sicker than others "
...Shaking my head.....No, goldie....No.... **virtually hugging you right now**
You are NOT "sick" and not "sicker" than anyone else here on this forum or anywhere else.
**Another virtual hug**

We are all different and have different sets of obstacles we must face in our personal lives and how they affect us and how we deal with them individually will always be different.

That's why they have so many reach-out programs for people like us who seek help and support- We are all equal in that respect because we all need it! Period.

The more you go through, the more you can help others who might be going through something similar.
You maybe being "sicker" than others, as you put it, would only make you a stronger warrior in Christ, anyways. So thank God right now for your trials, and thank Him right now for guiding you through them! Because He WILL guide you through them and protect His precious Child (YOU). 

"Maybe other wives don't need help for themselves or got as bad off as I did emotionally. I am just curious as how wives are able to do it. "
I'm not an expert or anything in the LEAST, but I have had very real feelings of wanting to be dead rather than do 'this' life anymore with my husband and what helped me was to put my foot down and get him away from me until he was ready to be the husband to me that he promised he'd be. This gave me the alone time and peace that I needed to let God begin to heal and restore me.

Again, this is easier said than done sometimes. But that's what basically saved my life, and got me back on track.

I prayed for God to make me strong, and He did.

I prayed for God to wake my husband up so that he would get saved, and He did.

When my husband and I separated 2016 because he was lying about what he was doing online, I prayed for God to give me extra work to help catch up from the 3 months rent we were behind and He did. I was able to earn and pay and get us caught up on a whole month's of rent in less than two weeks. HE did that. Not me.

I prayed for God to help my health, and he showed me that I needed to go vegan. I went vegan, and am not so fatigued anymore which means that I can work more and make more money. HE did that. Not me.

I could go on and on with examples like this (and I totally will if you want me to!) But I think you get the point.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I, too have been pretty "sick" with my husband's PA and what the deceit and betrayal has done to me and the way I have been personally able to do it is through God- And you are already there, so if you want more help, just reach out as much as you can (prayerfully!) and get all the help you can until you have overcome this! I think that seeing 'extra' help has nothing to do with being more or less sick than others who are also dealing, but more about the fact that you are genuine in getting all of the help you want and need to successfully overcome this.

Mike has a great section in the Wive's book about the proper counselors/therapists/support groups, etc that we should seek as Christian PA spouses that need help getting their life back together after the traumas and ordeals of PA. The biggest thing that I took from it was the part where he said to go prayerfully, and DON'T hesitate to get out if it doesn't feel right to you. No excuses, no reasons, no apologies, just get out and (prayerfully) get another counselor/therapist/support group that stays in the lines of your faith and doesn't blatantly contradict God's teachings.

Good Luck, Goldie.
I can't wait to read some other replies and learn what other wives are doing for their healing.

Today's thought from the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:

Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you.
--Dr. Wayne Dyer

It's generally a struggle to let a child develop a new skill, particularly if it's not one we share or appreciate. It's even more difficult to watch a spouse or lover travel a new path of learning or recreation when we're not invited to share the trip. Yet assuredly, our love is only as deep and real as it is honestly supportive of others spreading their wings to discover their own directions and personal joy.

What is right for us will never be lost or taken, and that which departs, be it friend or lover, is only making way for our own next plane of growth. We must not fear letting our loved ones experience new and separate challenges. Instead, let's rejoice in the knowledge that we each have a particular calling, a unique destiny that has brought us together and will keep us together for just as long as "the big plan" calls for.

We can't keep someone's love for us when we've made them prisoners in our homes and hearts.