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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2017 20:58:15 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2017 17:17:22 GMT -7
Intimacy Anorexia & Sex Addiction: When You Are Living Off Crumbs
By DrJaniceCaudill After counseling recovering sex and porn addicts, partners of sex addicts, and couples trying to rebuild trust in the wake of betrayal for many years, I have come to the conclusion that knowledge about intimacy anorexia is the missing ingredient in sex addiction recovery and relational healing. Yet most recovering sex addicts and their partners have never heard of this term, which describes a predominant pattern of the withholding of emotional, spiritual, and/or sexual intimacy from the primary relationship partner.
If you are a partner of a sex addict, you may have assumed that the intimacy deprivation you have experienced in your marriage was just part of your spouse’s sexual addiction struggles – that once he sustained a significant period of sobriety in his acting out behaviors, he would finally be able to really connect with your heart. You waited patiently, or as patiently as you could, until he was at a better place in his recovery, until you saw signs he was developing compassion and connection with his recovery buddies, and then, finally, you could see the signs your emotional starvation would eventually end. If this is your experience as a partner of a sex addict, I’m happy for you and the renewed hope you now have.
However, for some of you that was not the case. Instead, your husband’s sex addiction recovery success signaled the painful realization that the deprivation in your marriage is not just because he is unable to connect with you, but because he is unwilling to share his heart with you. It is painful to know he is a hero in his 12 Step groups, Johnny on the Spot for the members of your religious community, Mr. Nice Guy at work but Mr. Not Going to Be There for you.
This was when you finally got it, when you recognized that the withholding is mostly just with you. This was when you recognized that you have been receiving emotional crumbs from your spouse. This is when you realized that slowly and insidiously over time you may have come to a place where not only have you been living off crumbs, but are living a life of waiting hungrily for every little bit. This was when some of you may grasped that the young, hopeful girl you once were slowly lowered her expectations for being cherished and became habituated to a state of intimacy deprivation. If you have been living off crumbs for many years, you have likely shut down. You have lost yourself.
So what is the answer? Take a good hard look at the intimacy-deprived life you have been living. If this is no longer something you can tolerate, then educate yourself on the dynamics of intimacy anorexia. Prepare yourself for the tightrope act of seeking alternative nurturing sources of support to end your deprivation while simultaneously holding your intimacy anorexic accountable for making deposits in the intimacy bank on a regular basis.
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Post by Will on May 30, 2017 1:56:21 GMT -7
Hey Goldie,
not sure you yourself can hold your husband accountable ultimately. Think it takes Jesus Christ to hold him accountable (that's a pretty huge job!) The more He knows the Lord the more the Lord will show Him how to love you. Are you saying your husband is succeeding at sobriety but still not being emotionally open with you? Don't forget that that stuff does not come naturally to us guys. It's not a no-brainer and obvious to us if we are not giving enough of ourselves emotionally to women. Guessing you've told him straight-forwardly that that is the case?
In Christ,
Will
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2017 23:40:46 GMT -7
Hello, Goldie.
Thanks for opening my eyes to IA- I had not read up on it at all before you had mentioned it here.
It sounds like such a difficult thing to manage.
While I do agree with Will, I must say that when you are dealing with an addict spouse, you actually do have to hold them accountable right alongside Jesus.
Sometimes they need that support system and someone who is fighting on THEIR side- not the side of the disease, addiction, or syndrome- to hold them accountable for their actions to help them overcome.
Of course, you can't dictate his actions or magically change his heart, Goldie- but you can certainly hold him accountable for the way he treats you (or doesn't treat you).
And you should.
Good luck with things.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2017 23:20:39 GMT -7
In answer to your question Will ..... yes i had expressed to my husband for years that there has been a huge wall between us emotionally and that it was tied in with his SA. I finally expressed my bottom line. My husband sought help for SA. It was then that a name was given to what I had already known for years ( IA ) Intimacy Anorexia. From what I have learned this develops as a result of br]Usually trouble bonding with opposite sex parent / or an overbearing critical / or over protective opposite sex parent
Also as a result of SA. And also not having a positive same sex parent role model
My husband experienced all three
He is clean from SA and is doing all there is for him to do with his program to stay clean from SA
Many times marriages do not get better after the SA stops because the underlying issue is never recognized or addressed. And many times there are huge struggles staying clean from SA if the IA goes untreated. My husband will continue his recovery work for SA and also my husband AND myself are soon to begin a recovery program for IA. It will not just be him in the IA recovery part. Although I am not IA I must be involved with IA recovery with him for our greatest success and deep changes - It will be couples work. I realize God is the great healer and he can transform lives .... I also believe that it's up to us to do the "footwork". First the sex addiction had to stop ... now the underlying comditions ( ( intimate anorexia ) can be addressed . ..... We have been bad off without IA recovery ..... We simply need to learn new ways with one another and basically start from scratch.... we have always had emotional intimacy issues and the worse his SA progressed the worse everything was. Now things are improved just by him getting clean however we really need recovery from IA - there is a spouse recovery available and for the IA too. Without the IA recovery things would ( in our case ) not be any better than before ......Cause we tried that already.
It's a little like the same concept of an alcoholic who gets sober ..... the first thing to stop is the drinking.... then the underlying cause ( alcoholism ) can be addressed to learn new ways . Sorta like also when the spouse of an alcoholic begins to recover too in Alanon.
And yes I will hold him accountable for how I am being treated. I have boundaries .... boundaries are for me. Boundaries have nothing to do with the other person. I cannot possibly control what anyone including my husband does. I can however control what I do. I must live in a manner in which is acceptable to me as far as how I am treated. I do have the right to make decisions for myself that are healthy and that are respectful to myself.
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Post by Will on Jun 19, 2017 1:07:23 GMT -7
Well it does sound like its working so that's great news!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2017 19:12:57 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2017 0:53:32 GMT -7
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! That article is what it took me years to learn. I felt so justified in my hurt and anger, that every effort I made to restore our marriage was mixed with self-righteousness and pride. I didn't really understand what he was going through. I was trying so hard to be understood, valued and honored that I forgot to understand, value and honor, and that was sinful. It took years for me to see my sinful patterns, and I'm still not done getting rid of them. But realizing that his son did not justify my sinful response was a HUGE turning point for me. Not much changed in our relationship, but inside I was finally free.
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