Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2017 14:23:57 GMT -7
Hello All,
I'm new to the forums and website Blazing Grace. My name is Ashley and my husband struggles with PA. We have been married almost 5 years. We have two young boys (3 & 1) and I'm also 15 weeks pregnant. Within this last month is when I truly started to realize the severity of his addiction and God started to remove the blinders from my eyes. About 2 years ago my husband and I got into a vicious fight which hadn't been uncommon at the time. He asked during the fight "Do you even trust me?" Which I replied.. "No..no I don't." I then took my request to a Moms group I was attending to pray for why I didn't trust my husband. At the time I really had no idea.. I wasn't sure if it was from things I struggled with growing up or a deeper reason. About a week later after seeking prayer and praying about it on my own I found out. My husband received a nasty phone call (voicemail) at midnight from a woman cursing him out. He had been out earlier that evening with co-workers and so I prodded him to listen to the message. I overheard the cursing and questioned my husband. He lied about it all at first. I had a pit in my stomach. I knew something wasn't right. I kept asking him and then he admitted it all. He had physically harassed a co-worker. My immediate reaction was to offer forgiveness although I told him that he needed to tell our pastor, tell his boss as soon as possible and no longer keep/lie to me. He ended up fired over the situation. Which was good at the time because I thought he had really started to own his addiction and realize the severity of it and what the consequences were. During that time he also admitted to me taking pictures of co-workers.. watching porn at work and at home. My heart was broken but I knew and trusted that God was doing a work in his heart. We started counseling with our pastor which ended after 2 sessions. Our pastor's Dad passed away... we were pregnant and then Nate started a new full time job so our counseling took a backseat. He did download filters on his phone and our computer. And since his new job was a significant pay cut we had gotten rid of internet at home so there was no access there. He also started meeting with an accountability partner and was attending Celebrate Recovery. He was sober for months. Which had me thinking that things were good.. he was overcoming.
Fast forward 2 years to now. We had moved to a new area and were a part of a new church. I felt the Lord was speaking to me that this is it.. we are in a period of restoration and I fully believed it. The church we currently attend has a strong relational connection and there were many people there our age or a little older that I felt my husband could really connect with. We shared our story with a few and support was immediately given. It was about 6 months ago my husband admitted he was really struggling again with his addiction which really broke my heart. I told him to reach out to the men in our church. He didn't and it made me desperate. I asked for prayer from one of the elders and his wife. He started to meet with my husband one on one and then a group also formed called the brotherhood made up of 4 total men including my husband to offer accountability and support with PA. Since he was a part of these two separate accountability groups I thought things were fine.. I stopped asking him how he was doing. My blinders were certainly on. But the stress of his attitudes toward me.. his lack of responsibility around the house and with the kids were overwhelming. To the point that my body was beginning to react with blistered eczema on my hands and minor anxiety attacks. I started meeting with an older lady toward the middle/end of Feb and was talking with her all I was experiencing. She knew the history of what happened when my husband lost his job and questioned how he was doing. I said that I honestly didn't know because he was meeting with accountability partners/group and I hadn't asked. Well I asked. And found out he was watching porn at work again. I was dismayed and felt numb. I had a long talk with her about it and she gave me wisdom to really take a stand. So I did. That was about 2-3 weeks ago. The first week was constant fights but I armed myself with praying the armor of God and I have been also praying a hedge prayer that my mentor gave me. My husband began counseling for his PA. I did go in on one session and our counselor gave us a tool to help our marriage. At that point I told the counselor that I would give it a go but I just didn't see how I could truly believe that my husband was doing it out of his own heart or because the he was telling my husband to.
I know I'm missing details. This post seems long as it is and I'm currently fighting a cold/sickness so I'm ready to rest. But I wanted to get on here and get some sort of introduction going.
This past weekend I took a big stand and decided not to go with my husband to visit his family for Easter. He took the kids and I was able to have some time to myself that I haven't had in a very,very long time. It was refreshing to seek the Lord and also have some self care.
The biggest thing I'm struggling with is that my husband does seem to be making progress. He downloaded the Covenant Eyes App on his phone and has been reading the daily challenges. He had brought up to me some of the things he is working on and doing. He's been praying and reading his Bible every morning. I feel like there is real progress happening but I know I still need to be on my guard. But how guarded? Shouldn't I celebrate his successes? I'm sure I will have more specific examples as I continue on the forums here.
I'm thankful to have support here as there isn't much in the way of physical support in my area other than attending an Al-Anon meeting which I am considering. I have also found support with a dear friend from college whose husband has fully recovered from PA/SA and in talking with my mentor.
I'm thankful for God for showing me His unconditional love through this time.. and fighting my battle for me and for my marriage. I know this may be a long road and I'm trying to keep that in mind as I look forward to hope that my marriage can be restored, redeemed and a living testimony for how great our God is!
For now,
Ashley
I'm new to the forums and website Blazing Grace. My name is Ashley and my husband struggles with PA. We have been married almost 5 years. We have two young boys (3 & 1) and I'm also 15 weeks pregnant. Within this last month is when I truly started to realize the severity of his addiction and God started to remove the blinders from my eyes. About 2 years ago my husband and I got into a vicious fight which hadn't been uncommon at the time. He asked during the fight "Do you even trust me?" Which I replied.. "No..no I don't." I then took my request to a Moms group I was attending to pray for why I didn't trust my husband. At the time I really had no idea.. I wasn't sure if it was from things I struggled with growing up or a deeper reason. About a week later after seeking prayer and praying about it on my own I found out. My husband received a nasty phone call (voicemail) at midnight from a woman cursing him out. He had been out earlier that evening with co-workers and so I prodded him to listen to the message. I overheard the cursing and questioned my husband. He lied about it all at first. I had a pit in my stomach. I knew something wasn't right. I kept asking him and then he admitted it all. He had physically harassed a co-worker. My immediate reaction was to offer forgiveness although I told him that he needed to tell our pastor, tell his boss as soon as possible and no longer keep/lie to me. He ended up fired over the situation. Which was good at the time because I thought he had really started to own his addiction and realize the severity of it and what the consequences were. During that time he also admitted to me taking pictures of co-workers.. watching porn at work and at home. My heart was broken but I knew and trusted that God was doing a work in his heart. We started counseling with our pastor which ended after 2 sessions. Our pastor's Dad passed away... we were pregnant and then Nate started a new full time job so our counseling took a backseat. He did download filters on his phone and our computer. And since his new job was a significant pay cut we had gotten rid of internet at home so there was no access there. He also started meeting with an accountability partner and was attending Celebrate Recovery. He was sober for months. Which had me thinking that things were good.. he was overcoming.
Fast forward 2 years to now. We had moved to a new area and were a part of a new church. I felt the Lord was speaking to me that this is it.. we are in a period of restoration and I fully believed it. The church we currently attend has a strong relational connection and there were many people there our age or a little older that I felt my husband could really connect with. We shared our story with a few and support was immediately given. It was about 6 months ago my husband admitted he was really struggling again with his addiction which really broke my heart. I told him to reach out to the men in our church. He didn't and it made me desperate. I asked for prayer from one of the elders and his wife. He started to meet with my husband one on one and then a group also formed called the brotherhood made up of 4 total men including my husband to offer accountability and support with PA. Since he was a part of these two separate accountability groups I thought things were fine.. I stopped asking him how he was doing. My blinders were certainly on. But the stress of his attitudes toward me.. his lack of responsibility around the house and with the kids were overwhelming. To the point that my body was beginning to react with blistered eczema on my hands and minor anxiety attacks. I started meeting with an older lady toward the middle/end of Feb and was talking with her all I was experiencing. She knew the history of what happened when my husband lost his job and questioned how he was doing. I said that I honestly didn't know because he was meeting with accountability partners/group and I hadn't asked. Well I asked. And found out he was watching porn at work again. I was dismayed and felt numb. I had a long talk with her about it and she gave me wisdom to really take a stand. So I did. That was about 2-3 weeks ago. The first week was constant fights but I armed myself with praying the armor of God and I have been also praying a hedge prayer that my mentor gave me. My husband began counseling for his PA. I did go in on one session and our counselor gave us a tool to help our marriage. At that point I told the counselor that I would give it a go but I just didn't see how I could truly believe that my husband was doing it out of his own heart or because the he was telling my husband to.
I know I'm missing details. This post seems long as it is and I'm currently fighting a cold/sickness so I'm ready to rest. But I wanted to get on here and get some sort of introduction going.
This past weekend I took a big stand and decided not to go with my husband to visit his family for Easter. He took the kids and I was able to have some time to myself that I haven't had in a very,very long time. It was refreshing to seek the Lord and also have some self care.
The biggest thing I'm struggling with is that my husband does seem to be making progress. He downloaded the Covenant Eyes App on his phone and has been reading the daily challenges. He had brought up to me some of the things he is working on and doing. He's been praying and reading his Bible every morning. I feel like there is real progress happening but I know I still need to be on my guard. But how guarded? Shouldn't I celebrate his successes? I'm sure I will have more specific examples as I continue on the forums here.
I'm thankful to have support here as there isn't much in the way of physical support in my area other than attending an Al-Anon meeting which I am considering. I have also found support with a dear friend from college whose husband has fully recovered from PA/SA and in talking with my mentor.
I'm thankful for God for showing me His unconditional love through this time.. and fighting my battle for me and for my marriage. I know this may be a long road and I'm trying to keep that in mind as I look forward to hope that my marriage can be restored, redeemed and a living testimony for how great our God is!
For now,
Ashley