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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2017 17:36:22 GMT -7
I discovered via snooping that my husband has been searching for ways to get around the Internet blockers on the router and his cell phone. He says he wants to change but then he does this stuff? I don't know what to do, if I bring it up he flips out and says he needs compassion. He says it's hard to stop and it makes him want to completely give up when I mention it to him. Now I can't stop compulsively checking the blocker software. His accountability partner was supposed to change the password so I couldn't check anymore but he hasn't. I'm so scared he found a way around it and he won't stop. I'm 36 weeks pregnant and he said he doesn't want to have sex anymore because he thinks I'll go into labor. That means weeks with no sex. I'm so afraid he's just going to replace me with porn like he has for most of our marriage. I just don't know what to do. I'm so distracted it's hard to focus on my kids.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2017 19:05:56 GMT -7
You need to put down boundaries with consequences and stick to the consequences. Maybe one needs to be one that involves a consequence when he searches for ways to get around the blocker.
One thing you need to come to grips with is that you can't change your husband. Only he and God can do that. So trying to control things won't work. Let go and give God room to work. Put a boundary in place for you. Allow yourself to check the blocker once a week only and allow yourself to focus on your children and you.
I am praying for you hon.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2017 20:29:10 GMT -7
I can relate to the anxiety. Mine started almost immediately after we got married 15 years ago. Over the years it manifested from mild to through the roof. My anxiety living with active PA caused me severe issues. Depression, scatteredness, irritation, unable to focus on anything about my personal life, lack of sleep, racing mind and the list can go on and on. I can only share my experience .... I really don't have advise to give.
What I did was after 15 years of my husband having both PA and me ( and my adult kids and young grandkids ) was get a big suppprt group around me. I reached out to 2 very trusted girlfriends, I got my own counselor, I also connected with a spiritual advisor, I read books about wives of PA and I studied articles about us wives of PA husband's and I also joined this website. I educated myself on the whole effect it was having on me. Dr Weiss is a good one to read articles and Dr Johnson is good too. I also recommend the book "when godly people do ungodly things" . i educated myself about myself. I knew I was in spiritual warfare and how dangerous all of the porn is on a family / person / wife. I was not emotionally safe in my home and neither where my grandkids. Sexual sin gets inside a person it works differently than a lot of other sin does. It's satans favorite sin. It destroys into generations. For myself I annointed my house regularly demanding for Satan to flee in Jesus name.
Then I prayed and asked for safety I then shifted my focus onto my personal life. I became most centered on my thoughts and words and actions to try to be loving and kind to my husband no matter what.
I realized that nothing I could do or say would help him except I can help myself. In my case I laid out my bottom line and I told him what my bottom line looked like. I gave my husband a choice ether me and our family or his PA. I told him he could no longer have both.
He balked at first. Then picked me / our family. He reluctantly began a recovery program I then made him go to Chirstain treatment center. He is there now. I also asked him to get an accountability partener and to get computer blockers. He has yet to do the last 3 things. Except he is away at treatment so he may do them when he returns .... I don't know. I am going to stay in recovery whether he does or not
I did speak to him once since he's been there and he thanked me for telling him to go and that he should have done it along time ago. I do not know what will happen with us. I do know that my anxiety is down not because of him rather because I myself have gotten help for myself. Get help for yourself is my only suggestion do anything and everything you can to get help for you! Focus on anointing your home and focus on your kids. And the new baby. Just keep guard and know that you are not emotionally safe there with him. Take care of yourself emotionally take care of your kids emotionally you have ALOT on your plate. He will not all of the sudden change. It will take a BIG intervention of God just TRUST GOD and I am not an advocate of divorce at all!!!! There may come a time where you may consider that he might need to move out although this is not ideal it maybe your only recourse if he does not give it up. Remember it's all lie based.... don't beleive it has anything to do with you you are not to blame for his choices
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Post by ladystrong on Apr 4, 2017 20:33:57 GMT -7
I'm sorry that it's so stressful  . Can you get in touch with his accountability partner? His friend is supposed to be there for support when he feels tempted, not just for passwords for porn blockers. Do you also have a program like Covenant Eyes that is installed on every device to monitor internet activity? I'd suggest adding that to the regimen since everything is recorded and then reported to people of his choosing (hopefully reliable people). Those pregnancy hormones are working way over time right now, too. Do you have friends to talk with who are available at any time? I pray that you would have a strong support system. |
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. Can you get in touch with his accountability partner? His friend is supposed to be there for support when he feels tempted, not just for passwords for porn blockers. Do you also have a program like Covenant Eyes that is installed on every device to monitor internet activity? I'd suggest adding that to the regimen since everything is recorded and then reported to people of his choosing (hopefully reliable people).