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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2017 22:10:42 GMT -7
I put this on an old thread, but I decided to start a new one because, upon looking at the date, it was a REALLY old one.
What do men experience in early recovery? I'm asking because my husband's behavior perplexes me. I had finally had enough of his addiction several weeks ago, and I told him to move out because his sin is not welcome in my home. I also told him he'd be welcome back if and when he starts taking this seriously and shows initiative in his treatment. After that, he scheduled his first session with an porn addiction counselor, and he goes back weekly. He's still got a very hot temper and is unjustifiably short with me a lot.
The other night, he was proud of himself and said "Look at my history all you like. I think I'm doing well." So, I did look, and I was not happy with what I found (tons of really inappropriate profile hits from his old myspace account a few consecutive days before that). I took pictures of what I saw and texted him the evidence, with the intention of enforcing consequences the next day. He had other ideas and kept me up with a lying (insisting Chrome history was wrong), screaming hissy fit that left me with 2 hours of sleep before I had to go to work and pretend I knew how to string 2 intelligent words together. Afterwards, I talked with my S-Anon sponsor about how upset I was and how this isn't sobriety. She reinforced boundaries and consequences, but also told me that recovery is a slow road and that it's likely to be rough at first. He is going to regular treatment like I asked. I am now extremely confused. Is he making an effort or isn't he? Holy God, this addiction is such a mind bender. What can I realistically expect from someone entering treatment for the first time?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2017 1:45:10 GMT -7
Kelly you ordered Mike's book right? The second chapter goes indepth into who your husband is and understanding that will help you to realize what to expect from him while he undergoes this healing journey. Every "addict" will behave differently in some ways. You are in the best position to know what to expect from him. I can give you a basic guideline.
1. Expect childish behavior. Self absorbtion leads to not being capable of growing in maturity levels. Addicts are self absorbed.
2. Expect selfishness....Again self absorbed
3. Expect depression....It is extremely difficult to overcome sin addictions and failing leads to depression. And failing or stumbling is part of the learning process.
4. Expect erratic behavior...Think psychotic 2 year old
5. Expect frustration...That can materialize as anger or depression
Basically hon you are in for a wild rollercoaster ride from hell. Your only anchor is going to be God.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2017 6:19:12 GMT -7
I will definitely order that book.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2017 7:58:49 GMT -7
I want to make something clear here. I in no way am belittling or being mean toward addicts. I was one and have dealt with addicts my whole life. I myself behaved the way I described above. I seriously don't know how my family put up with me and I am eternally grateful for the love and patience they showed with me.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2017 10:02:07 GMT -7
Of course not! I deeply appreciate your comments and your forthrightness. I'm walking a very fine line between wanting to be understanding and not wanting to enable or let myself be abused. As I told my husband, I love you, but I hate this sin and what it's doing to both of us. It has to go. I just really want to know what is normal in the course of recovery, and what is not. I haven't yet read Mike's books, although I want to and will. Do you have a recommendation about which one I should start with?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2017 10:35:09 GMT -7
Hon I would suggest reading the Wife's Heart first. The others are geared toward the addict. He does have a couple's book but your husband would have to want to do it with you. So start with your healing and getting a good grasp on what that will look like. Let God work on your husband. Keep to your boundaries and consequences. It is better for the addict and you to stay strong in this area.
My family had to tell me to chill or go do something etc so many times and my overcoming journey was my idea. I got really good at gauging my temperament and getting by myself when I was out of sorts. I spent lots of time reading the Bible and listening to worship music.
Your husband is gonna run the gamut from one extreme to the other for awhile. Stand your ground and let him know his behaviour isn't acceptable.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2017 23:14:53 GMT -7
I am getting started in a program of recovery as a wife of a sex addict. I am 5 days in. My recovery program consists of many components prayer, going to this website daily sometimes two times a day, lots of reading including the Bible, I have counselor I have been seeing once a week and I have the support of an pastors wife who has training in sex addiction who I can e mail call or see anytime. Journaling has helped me quite a bit. Eating healthy exercise and meditation helps me too. Also staying busy helps. Right now fear is my most difficult challenge. Faith keeps fear down so I am replacing fearful thoughts with thoughts of faith. When my husband finally admitted his sex addiction I asked him to go to treatment. I gave him a 3 month time frame to seek some kind of specialized treatment however he contacted several programs and also saw a counselor one time then never followed up at all about getting help and continues to deceive me with porn. He works away from home and his last weeks here where the worst for me as far as how low I felt ..... he has a lot of anger and blame towards me. I feel like the very life is sucked out of me when we are together he is so harsh towards me. Yet to the outside world he is a great guy who everyone loves and admires. The pastors wife who gave me the link to Blaze told me to e mail him this link. A new health development has come up for him these last two weeks and I feel fear coming up inside of me that he will mock me for sending him the link now due to his new health issue and making me feel small and dumb for even thinking about him reading and learning in this website in the light of his health issue. He has a way of stripping me of my happiness and joy within. It has been worse since the truth came out in the open. Up until then I had been gas lighted for years about his addiction. I am gping into recovery with no expectations other than I have a deep deep craving for a healthy mind clear sight and gods outpouring of love on me and his presence always many of my night terrors over my husband's addiction have stopped abruptly after anointing my house with prayer in the name of Jesus covered by his blood. I need strength and gods power
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2017 9:21:35 GMT -7
Hi Goldie. Welcome to BG. Hugs and prayers for you hon. It sounds like you have a good start on your recovery process. You can't let any of the blame rest at your door. It needs to be put at your husband's feet where it belongs. He chose to sin in this way not you. If you have the funds, I would highly recommend Mike Genung's book for wives. There is a link to it at the top of every forum here. It's not too expensive and it has greatly helped many of the ladies here. Also if you are interested, BG offers phone groups for wives. You can get started with the phone groups here www.blazinggrace.org/wives-support-group-porn-adultery/Again welcome to our family. I will be praying for you. |
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