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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2017 16:03:39 GMT -7
Wondering if any wives have any advice on regaining your self esteem. I still feel a great deal of resentment towards my spouse which makes it difficult for us to connect. I don't know how to feel pretty or wanted around him. I constantly obsess about how I look or what he is thinking. I am always comparing myself to the images he's seen. I don't know how to like myself again. I didn't know if anyone else had experienced something similar or had any advice in regards to how we move on and even begin to have a relationship again. Thanks in advance.
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Post by ladystrong on Feb 3, 2017 16:37:40 GMT -7
I know exactly how you feel. The first time I found out about the porn in our household thru his IG account, I was totally turned off to my husband. I felt really uncomfortable being naked around him because I felt like he was comparing me to them. But, the fire in me from the Holy Spirit finally started burning in me and I started to search the scriptures and write down a lot of verses from the Psalms on 3x5 cards. And that's when I finally heard God say that He loved me just the way He made me. I didn't have to change, be more, or be less for my husband. I am enough for God and I'm definitely more than enough for my husband. My husband was just using those images as an escape. I don't want to be like the images in the pics anyway because those women are just selling themselves to the world like whores. I realized that I didn't want to be a whore, I want to be real, and he will need to accept me as I am or find someone else. So my advice is to first be confident in knowing that Jesus is your All in All. Jesus has to be your source of Life. You have to believe that He loves you, even more than your husband could ever love you. When you believe that, you'll be able to move on and see that your husband is in need of help. Has he gotten help thru an accountability partner and has he taken action to set up Covenant Eyes or something similar on all devices? Has he truly repented of his lust? Have you expressed your feelings to him in an appropriate way, ie: "I feel sad right now because those images keep popping into my mind." If he is truly repentant he will give you time to heal from the hurt you feel. I will say that sometimes I still feel sad when I think of the images my husband has looked at but I realize that that's not what he REALLY wants. He wants someone real to share life with, but since the porn has been in his life since his teen years, it's going to take a lot of work for him to not turn to it during times of stress or depression. I still struggle with the same things you do, but now I have a better sense of who my Creator is and how much He loves me so I keep submitting those thoughts to Him.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2017 16:45:46 GMT -7
Your self esteem needs to be completely separate from your husband. How do you get there? I would suggest starting with God and the Bible. Start learning what God thinks of you and start repeating that to yourself. Repeat it until you are blue in the face and then repeat it some more. Truth eventually wins over the lies. Scripture is truth.
It is so easy for us to get our worth from our spouses instead of going to God. I found that happening to me even after I went through the above process I just suggested to you. It was a battle to get my thinking straight again.
You will get past this. You are a daughter to the most high King. Never forget that.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2017 21:53:46 GMT -7
Hi helplesslyhurting, Boy!!!!! do i feel the exact same way you do... i don't undress in front of my husband.. I've gotten to the point i wear a bra in bed!!! I feel self conscious all the time... do i look bad in what im wearing?? How does my hair look?? Its terrible my self esteem is wiped out at this point.. They have no idea how they destroy us!
Ladystrong & Amy... thats some awesome tips..im taking note's ... i am just now relying fully on god and diving into the bible... now when i suspect my husband is looking at P on his phone.. i immediately start listening to Christian music and sing it out for god to hear! ... It helps! 🤗😇🤗😇
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2017 15:34:23 GMT -7
GHP...First thing first...Take the bra off when you are sleeping. To perdition with your hubby if he don't like looking at saggy boobs. You deserve to be comfortable. And wearing an over the shoulder boulder holder is not comfortable while sleeping. God made you and you are perfect saggy boobs and all.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2017 17:20:40 GMT -7
Amy... LOL!!!!!!!! Today has been tough.. i honestly haven't laughed or smiled at all today and you just cracked me up! Thanks for that!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2017 18:06:40 GMT -7
GHP... That's what sisters are for!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2017 8:33:11 GMT -7
Thank you to everyone for the responses. It is so difficult to repair a marriage in this state. My husband thinks his addiction is the only problem and now that he doesn't watch anymore everything is fine. He doesn't realize the damage that has been done. He does finally have an interest in me, but I have 0 interest in him. I doubt there is anything he could do to ever make me feel beautiful in his eyes - the actions of his past 10 years have pretty much solidified in my mind what he thinks of me. Hard to believe that I wasn't good enough before but now miraculously I'm beautiful to him? I also have strong feelings that he doesn't deserve to have that type of relationship with me. I know that comes from a place of resentment and not a place of forgiveness but I am still very angry. And it is amplified by the everyday struggles of marriage. Him not helping pick up the house or him always leaving to go hunting/fishing or spending all of his free time on hobbies instead of spending time with me all builds up this resentment. I feel like his behavior is entirely independent and I only exist as a convenience. That would have been difficult to deal with in a marriage anyway but when you factor in the reality of the effects of his addiction it makes it nearly impossible to be attracted to anything about him. It is frustrating because after the initial discovery of his addiction he promised me time and time again he would make it up to me. And granted, he has stopped completely, which I am very proud of him for, but he has done nothing to repair the damage done to me. I apologize, I know I am talking in circles, but my frustration is at an all time high. I really don't see the "light at the end of the tunnel" I can't picture my life ever being put back together with him
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2017 11:52:49 GMT -7
I think you need to sit your husband down and tell him he needs to court you again because this addiction completely destroyed your relationship. So it's back to square one with your relationship. He is going to have to work at building your relationship back up. It won't ever be the same but it could be better.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2017 13:34:37 GMT -7
I wish it were that simple. I have had that conversation with him too many times to count. once he showed up to surprise me with coffee and that was it. Every second he has free he is off hunting/fishing or working on hobbies. Its like I can't get it through to him no matter how many times I am reaching out to him.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2017 15:52:05 GMT -7
Then give him a list of things he needs to do and a consequence if he doesn't do them.
You can't make him want to do things...That may never happen. However you can tell him what he needs to do to help out with his family and expect him to do those things. He is avoiding being an adult male with responsibilities. Sometimes that happens when the addict is so focused on keeping his mind off of acting out. They take that one mindedness that went toward their addiction and focus it on their coping skills. Addicts have a way of focusing on one thing like no others can understand. So addicts need to learn how to spread that focus out to be able to take care of others.
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Post by ladystrong on Feb 5, 2017 17:05:13 GMT -7
I don't think he has truly repented, that's why he hasn't worked on doing everything he can to win you back. Repentance is a work in the heart and he hasn't fully given his heart to the Lord. One thing you don't want to continue in is the resentment and bitterness. Since you can't change him I encourage you to work on you. You can begin to ask the Lord to release you from the bitterness and resentment that are in your heart. This is for your health. God doesn't want you to get stuck in this so you'll have to keep submitting it to Him. Also ask that the Lord would continue to show you how much He loves you. Search the scriptures, the book of Psalms is a great place to start, especially Psalm 139. Get a bunch of 3x5 cards and start writing out any verses that speak to your heart and lifts you up. You're doing this to renew your mind. In the mornings, play praise and worship music. You need to flood your mind with the truth: God loves YOU, just as you are. This is a FACT and not a feeling. Sometimes you won't feel loved, but that doesn't change the fact that He loves you. Don't give in to the lies of the enemy. If you have a friend in Christ, text them when you are feeling down. These are just a few of the strategies I've figured out for myself and have gotten from my therapist.
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