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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2017 13:25:01 GMT -7
Although I am new to this site I am not new to this problem. My husband and I have been married almost 39 years. Recently my husband confessed to being a PA for way over 20 years. I have caught and confronted him at least 3 times during our marriage. Of course before the internet it was magazines, then movie rentals and then of course the anonymity of the World Wide Web. I got accused of it being my fault because of various reason. As we aged he seemed to be disinterested in sex. It became him who didn't want it. Never gave me a reason. I suspected another woman but nothing came of that. I just figured we were getting older. This last time however, I blew up. He is a Christian but has a nasty habit of lying to me about things or telling me only what he thinks I want to hear. But this time when I confronted him he told me it's been 20-25 years. When I asked him how often he said 2-3 times a week. We all know it's probably double that! Well no wonder he doesn't want want sex...He must have been exhausted! At the very least I'm surprised he didn't have carpal tunnel syndrome from masterbating that often! I do not mean to be crass or rude. Since we've begun working on this we have also been praying together for his healing. I am a curious person and have questions only he can answer. Such as if he mb that often to porn, what is he doing if he's not watching? He's not coming to me! He's given me no answer to this question. I have had him move into the guest room as I do not think he deserves to be in my bed. He knows he can come to me for any physical needs but he doesn't. If I initiate he will not be in the mood.
I have learned that I need to create boundaries with him. So far mine have been moving to the guest room and seeking counseling especially for him but couples counseling also. I have gone into my bible and used my prayer time to discover my responsibility in all this. I am actively working on my faults and flaws. He has not found a counselor as if yet. When I ask how he is managing he says ' I still have urges''. He does not offer if he's acted on them or not. I need some solid answers. I need to know what to do and how to handle all of this. I love him and do not want a divorce after nearly 4 decades together, but I will not tolerate his PA. I need a fresh perspective on this as I have 'thought' myself crazy over this.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2017 13:53:30 GMT -7
Hi autm. Welcome to BG.
It sounds like you have a good start on things with your husband. You say you have boundaries but didn't not mention if those boundaries have consequences with them. What happens when he crosses a boundary such as his not looking for a counselor? There needs to be a consequence.
It sounds like He is white knuckling as most addicts call it. Trying to be sober on his own without help. That doesn't work for long. He needs counseling and at least one male accountability partner. I would suggest more then one. I had 2 that I went to regularly (yes women are addicts too).
Does he have access to electronics...Computers, tablets, cell phones? Do those have porn blocking software on them?
Hon all you can do is work on yourself, set down boundaries and stick to them, and prayer. The rest is up to your husband and God. You can't make him change. He has to want it. The only way an addict will want to change is when they hit rock bottom until then they will do everything in their power to keep their addiction including lying, blaming and hiding.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2017 16:57:38 GMT -7
I haven't thought of any consequences yet. I tend to go overboard with things like that. Suggestions would be welcome. Everything about this hurts. Being lied to, being blamed and him hiding this from me. Totally blows my theory of what marriage is all about.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2017 17:12:32 GMT -7
Hello Autm... welcome!
First of all i am so sorry for this situation and for the effect its had on you... i to understand i have been married 27 years and my husband has been an addict my whole marriage. So far it hasen't gotten any easier only harder.
I have a porn blocker on my husbands phone called Ever Accountable.. its about $69.00 a year.. i think! It helps alot necause it lets you know what he is doing or if you husband will agree to it will let his accountability partner know what he is doing.
BG has been a blessing to me the people on here have given me strength were i was feeling worthless and weak.. Amy, Gracey, Kevin and other are all very helpful and Kevin really gave me an understanding about how PA think. The ladies have been so loving and supportive. Your in a good place for help and healing.
Im like you i haven't really wanted to divorce and i constantly work on my flaws and pray with my husband but so far he has not completely stopped. He doesn't want to!He has slowed way down! He blames me alot and doesn't like to have sex either but yet wants to MB and look at P alot.. Go figure! But i got some good explanation's as to why from everone on here.. it was a blessing.
The first thing i realized with everyone's help is its not my fault and its not your's either..
Hang in their. We are all here to listen when you want to vent. We completely understand what your going threw...
Your not ALONE!
Love, hugs , and prayers GHP
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2017 17:17:47 GMT -7
Their is a work book for you i would suggest Its called "Facing Heartbreak steps to recovery from partners of sex addicts" By stephanie carns and mari lee.. Boy that has helped me alot.. it goes threw lots of steps.. it helps with setting boundaries.. its just been really helpful...
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2017 18:32:02 GMT -7
The consequences have to hurt so you need to tailor them to your husband. If you are doubting what you come up with, you can talk them over with your counselor or post them here. We can kinda tell you if you go too far. The reason the consequences have to hurt is to make him stop and think before he proceeds in going against your boundaries.
I forgot to explain to you why he doesn't want intimacy with you. When an addict looks at porn it stimulates the brain completely different then real intimacy does. The addict can no longer respond to normal intimacy and renders them impotent unless they view porn. Now this can be reversed but it takes time with not acting out or viewing porn.
Rest in God for a bit hon. Let Him take over and guide you. You do not need to "think" yourself crazy.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2017 14:44:39 GMT -7
Thank you so much for all the great tips and encouragement. I am so glad my Lord guided me to this site. My husband and I talked for awhile last night and it seems to be very difficult for him to be open. I never ever wanted to have a conversation like this either but it is what it is.
I thought hard about my consequences for him yesterday. I gave him a timeline for seeking counseling only because he is at a new job and insurance doesn't kick in until March 1st. He has to purchase P blocking software asap. I am to have full access to all his devices including his checking account at any time. (We have separate accounts) if he doesn't meet my demands one of us will have to leave our home. Either way he will have to support me and my 16 year old daughter. If at any time I discover he has viewed P all bets are off. He must leave immediately. He has to also find an accountability partner.
I'm trying to do this one day at a time. Truthfully I do not understand PA at all. I will work on finding that book.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2017 14:50:39 GMT -7
Reading this over it seems harsh but I never asked for this in my marriage. I have dealt with a lot during our life together but I WILL NOT tolerate P.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2017 15:14:47 GMT -7
There are several good books and things listed in the resources section. Of course Mike, the owner of BG, has several books out dealing with porn addiction that might work for your husband. He even has a couple's book. www.blazinggrace.org/store/Edit: your consequences sound good hon. Be sure that you have admin control of the porn blocking software and that he can't guess your password. You shouldn't have to tolerate porn in your marriage...No one should. It's a sin from the pit of hell designed to rip apart marriages. Stay strong.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2017 18:02:02 GMT -7
I learned something new.. i didn't know BG offered books.. good to know.. thanks Amy
Autm... hang in their .. stay close to God... Love , Hugs, prayers to you!
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 26, 2017 19:55:13 GMT -7
Thank you so much for all the great tips and encouragement. I am so glad my Lord guided me to this site. My husband and I talked for awhile last night and it seems to be very difficult for him to be open. I never ever wanted to have a conversation like this either but it is what it is. I thought hard about my consequences for him yesterday. I gave him a timeline for seeking counseling only because he is at a new job and insurance doesn't kick in until March 1st. He has to purchase P blocking software asap. I am to have full access to all his devices including his checking account at any time. (We have separate accounts) if he doesn't meet my demands one of us will have to leave our home. Either way he will have to support me and my 16 year old daughter. If at any time I discover he has viewed P all bets are off. He must leave immediately. He has to also find an accountability partner. I'm trying to do this one day at a time. Truthfully I do not understand PA at all. I will work on finding that book. Way to go on the demands and consequences, Autm. He needs to know that you mean business. And welcome. We're glad you're here.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2017 20:09:44 GMT -7
I learned something new.. i didn't know BG offered books.. good to know.. thanks Amy Autm... hang in their .. stay close to God... Love , Hugs, prayers to you! Mike has a new book coming out in February for the wives. I will post a link to it when it is put in the store.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2017 9:12:32 GMT -7
Yesterday after dinner my husband told me he had to go search out some stuff on the internet. My blood turned to ice and my heart dropped into my stomach. I kep telling myself 'I can't make him stop.' I went into my room. About an hour later he came in and said he'd been on Blazing Grace to read some of the articles and discovered, on his own, Covenant Eyes. He bought it and installed it on his computer and phone. He tried to put it on his tablet but couldn't for some reason. He handed me the tablet and said I could do whatever I wanted with it. He had also sent an email through Covenant Eyes asking me to be his accountability partner. I responded to the email by accepting and I chose the sensitivity level and how often I wanted a report.
We prayed together last night and he thanked God for my strength in all of this. I told him later I didn't feel very strong.
This morning I got my report saying he had been good and I should give him a high five. I have to tell you... it was such a relief to know for sure instead of just taking his word for it.
I know we have a long road to walk with this, but it's a start. I thanked him for being proactive in checking into P blocking software. What's so amazing is he is a world class procrastinator. His next step is to find a PA group.
Asking prayers for strength and daily forgiveness on my part.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2017 11:01:59 GMT -7
That's so wonderful. I will pray for you and your husband.
Dear God There are so many things to be addicted to in this world...so many enticing things that our husbands cling to, even if that things is destroying them. I Pray against porn addiction and claim freedom ! I pray over each of our lives, over husbands, over our family and our friends! May your power Lord rescue those who need an intervention, those too weak to resist the enemy. May your power be sufficient and may we find hope amidst a dark world. Please Lord, we cry out to you, break the chains of Porn addiction, sex addiction, lying, cheating, dishonoring or decieving! Holy Spirit rain down. Cleanse us and let your grace Restore us in Jesus name AMEN!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2017 14:28:52 GMT -7
That is good news autm! Your husband is willing to fight! Yes it is a long road and there will be many battles but as long as your husband doesn't give up, God will teach and lead him to victory in this area.
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