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Dec 30, 2016 10:51:54 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2016 10:51:54 GMT -7
What a mess this all is. Will try to share my story the best I can and thank you to any who takes the time to read it.
I've been married for almost 13 yrs with a year of dating prior. My husband was not saved until March of this year when he disclosed that his cheating started over a decade ago. May of 2015 I found that he had an affair with my sister that lasted 2 yrs, he lied at the time and said it was the only affair.
There are suspicions about more than what I have proof of, but he denies.
The affair with my sister has utterly destroyed my family for me. So holidays are a devastating time.
My husband just started with a csat after being referred there by a counselor he saw twice. In 4 appointments they completed the evaluation, but 3 of the appointments the csat was either an hr late or he noshowed 1 appt. The last he was late and called me very rudely stating that he was calling due to me obviously not believing a word my husband says. I did not ask for verification. At this point, I'm not comfortable at all with this counselor.
My biggest concern is the lack of empathy and work to save our marraige on my husband's part. He says he would rather not leave and that he wants to be together, but only if we are going to be happy. Really hard to be happy when he shuts down. Huge conflict avoidance.
Will probably be looking into an attorney soon, but if anyone can say a prayer...please do.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2016 12:22:42 GMT -7
You are in my prayers ... I will be back when I get home. Hoping some of the other wonderful ladies here stop in and have some words for you.
This is a tough battle that you are in ... but God is tougher!
Prayers coming your way
G
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Dec 30, 2016 15:33:34 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2016 15:33:34 GMT -7
Thank you so much for the prayers!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2016 16:09:26 GMT -7
Hi silent. Welcome to BG. I am sorry you are going through this. Talk about multiple hurts with your story. You hubby and your sister. My heart hurts just trying to imagine being betrayed by 2 people in that way. I am praying for you. And I am sending you hugs.
What is a csat? I am not familiar with it. The counselor sounds like an unprofessional idiot. What is he doing calling you about you not believing your husband? If anything it should be handled in his office with your husband doing the talking and the counselor taking a backseat. I think you should have your husband find a different counselor. Preferably one that knows what they are doing...
If your husband wants to save your marriage, then he has to work on it. You need to tell him this. Also men do best when they have specific things to work on so give him a list of what you want to see in him and how he needs to treat you. But it may not work. Many sex addicts have little respect for women because they see them as objects only.
Please look into individual counseling for yourself. Between your husband and your sister, the hurt and anger you are probably experiencing can be overwhelming and counseling really helps.
My heart and prayers go out to you.
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Dec 30, 2016 19:45:39 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2016 19:45:39 GMT -7
Thank you for the welcome and hugs! A csat is a certified sex addiction therapist. This one runs an organization that works with addicts and spouses in our area. He has an appointment in the morning and then we are supposed to meet with him together to discuss the evaluation. I agree and have told my husband as much in regards to a new counselor. Also asked him to get back in touch with the couselor who refeared and set up a joint session so I can ask her to refer me to someone she works with. The first counselor seemed sane from what I was told. Husband is very unmotivated...
I do need counseling, anger has been fleeting, but I do feel overwhelmingly crushed by the hurt on a regular basis.
Will try the list for him and pray it works! I'm grateful for any ideas as communication on any level other than superficial is nonexistent.
My husband also seems totally backwards. I can't tell if he's really that dense or just playing at it. Also, is there a term for this: he will do something like wash my car or read a chapter of a book to me, I'll say thank you and let him know I appreciate it and he will never do it again. I don't understand at all.
Thank you both for your time and ears and advice!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2016 21:13:07 GMT -7
Are you serious? That counselor is certified in sex addiction?!? Did you ask to his credentials? I wouldn't be surprised if it was from an internet school.... Sorry but it really ticks me off when I run across someone who is supposed to be a professional and is acting like an uneducated fool. I have spent my entire life in and out of counseling and have had several different counselors. Some need to go back to school and pay attention this time around...He sounds like one of those. Ok time to get off my soapbox. lol
Have you tried being straight to the point with him about your wanting him to continue to do those things you like...Car washing and reading to you? Most men see things as black and white and just don't get hints. I think it's because of how their brain is wired. Let me do some research and see if I can find you a good article or video on this. I will probably get to it tomorrow.
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Dec 30, 2016 21:22:22 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2016 21:22:22 GMT -7
Completely agree. I have no use for that counselor. Would love to see videos and will keep an eye out. I am pretty straightforward with everything...just my MO. At one point I told hime to quit hinting at what he wants, because I'm not a mind reader.
Told him a couple specific chores I needed him to do i.e. the mowing and garbage run when I broke my wrist this summer. It's hit or miss if they get done or not.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2016 21:46:18 GMT -7
I ran across this guy and have listened to him in the past. He is a minister and a comedian. Thought you could learn something and get a chuckle at the same time. This video is long...2 hours...But he talks about how men and women think differently.
Two hours later...Couldn't sleep so I watched the whole thing. Laughed my butt off! But I learned some things. He talks about how a healthy man's brain works. When you add the sin of sexual immorality into the mix, the response from the man changes. So keep that in mind while watching this.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2016 23:00:43 GMT -7
First thing, I think the counselor needs to be kicked to the curb! He is not only unprofessional but immature. To call you and say that he is calling because you do not believe a word that your husband says ... HELLO, your husband had an affair with your sister, I think you are justified in not believing a word he says and if the counselor were really a counselor he would get that. He is not worth the paper that his degree is printed on.
I meet with high school students and on occasion, have been running late, sick, or not in the office and had to call and re-schedule and I have had kids ask me to call their mom or dad, and even probation officer because they won't believe them if I don't. And when I call, it is always done with respect, professionalism, and sometimes, even a little humor. Never am I rude nor do I make the recipient of my call feel bad. I am sure that there is reason for the doubt.
You mention your husband being dense ... mine went totally brain dead. Some of the things that he will ask me just blows my mind. Here is an example and I am not making this up, IF he takes out the trash, he will come back in and ask "do you want me to put a new bag in the trash can"? Recently we had an ice/snow storm and he was going to run an errand and he asks me "should I call my mom and see if she needs anything?" I cannot believe some of the ignorant things he will ask me. I need to check his shoes and see if he went to velcro as he cannot be smart enough to tie shoelaces. He was not always this way.
I really started to get a better understanding of my husband's poor behavior towards me when I went to counseling. My counselor is a GEM. There is one thing that I am just not sure of and that is that she does not believe that he will ever get over this addiction without being in therapy, and she says that he has been doing it for so long that it is probably too late for him to ever get over it. She also is not pleased that I am still in the marriage. She pushes really hard for me to leave. I understand a lot of what she says but I guess it is just hard to see it when you are living it. She worked with sex addicts in a prison system for years and now does counseling for women. I do love her very much.
They are just messed up and God love them, they don't even know it.
Keeping you close in prayer.
Grace
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Dec 31, 2016 15:02:39 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2016 15:02:39 GMT -7
Thank you so much for the laughs! That man is hysterical!
Super crazy today, but appreciate the insight!
I am calling a couselor for me on Monday. I'm appalled at the lack of professionalism with my husband's counselor. Although, he did say my husband was not an addict according to the evaluation he did. I'm thinking my husband lied on the tests. Excessive porn use leading to playing out the fantasies in real life and continued albeit slowed porn use sounds pretty compulsive to me. But what do I know?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2016 15:23:25 GMT -7
Hon you know more then that idiot that calls himself a sexual addiction counselor. Your husband lied that's a given when the addict doesn't want to change...They even lie to themselves. Heck I had myself so snowed that I believed the junk in my head...That is until God started working on me.
I am glad you are going to get into counseling. Be sure to interview your counselor on their approach to helping those in your situation. Go in with some ideas on what you want to accomplish. Tell the counselor what you expect from these sessions. Remember that counselor is your employee and they need to work with you to accomplish your goals. If you don't think they are a good fit, then find another one.
I am glad you got a chuckle out of that video. He is funny. I find that when I am really depressed or stressed listening to clean comedy and laughing is good medicine.
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