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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2016 17:39:44 GMT -7
Hey, friends, how is everyone doing? I have thought of everyone so many times and prayed that the silence around here was due to everyone being in a great place ... judging by my own emotions right now, that may not be the story.
I was so stinking busy during the holidays that it was easy to act as if all were well. I found that the busier I kept the less I would think about the pain. Now that the holidays are over and there is time to sit and think, I am back to living this life that I do not like.
It was a sad Christmas in that I was reminded many times of what was and now, what it is. Big difference. We have been married for 34 years and have always exchanged gifts ... this year we did not. Not receiving a gift is not what made me sad, it was why I didn't receive a gift. It was his idea not to exchange gifts this year, no reason.
He tells me over and over "Give me a break, I am trying". I want to smack him upside the head every time that he says that to me. Why should you have to put effort into being nice? I do not put effort into being nice to him. Should it be such a chore to treat me decent? Blah! Blah! Blah!
I am just bummed. I come home from work, change my clothes, do a few chores and sit in my sewing room until bedtime while he lays on the couch watching TV. And he thinks that this is a good life. We don't speak unless it is something stupid that comes out of his mouth. We just skirt the issues and act like everything is okay, while inside, I am boiling.
That is all ... just feeling bummed and was going to be really jealous if everyone else is off on a Caribbean Cruise that they received from their husband for Christmas :-)
Love you all!
Grace
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2016 20:14:31 GMT -7
Hi Gracey,
Im new here.. i understand feeling bummed.. i feel that way almost every second of everyday..
Wow! 34 years married... I'm married 27 and i dont even know if we will make it to 34 years... i used to be so proud of the number of years we were married..27 is one of the longest in our families... now im not sure how i feel about it..
Im sorry your christmas was not the best..not to long ago my husband told me it wasent his job to buy we gifts....
i thought my christmas was almost perfect.. its our first Christmas with our 3 month old grandson... i mean what in the world could ruin that!!!.. but around 4pm or 5pm christmas eve while i was out running last min errands and gifts for my H... he was looking at porn... or some form of sexual stuff on you tube...
On christmas eve!!!. with our family home!!!!...
It made me very very sad! But like a good wife i put on the mask of happiness and charm so everyone could be comfortable and happy but inside.. a piece of me hurt very much....
I love him very much still... i wish he could see my pain.. the things that go on in my head.. i dont think im ever gonna understand all of this...
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2016 20:54:42 GMT -7
Hi, Godshealingpower! So happy that you are feeling comfortable enough to write. We had our 34th anniversary in August and it was a sad day for me. No words were exchanged nor was it acknowledged. It is not a number that I am proud of as I do not feel that it he has been in the marriage for nearly that long. I am sorry to say that it has been a marriage of convenience.
I have always loved Christmas even though my husband has never done anything to bring joy to the holiday. This year was a dreaded one. I kept telling myself that I was planning a "Birthday Party". A special Birthday party for Jesus! I tried so hard not to let him spoil it, but it in fact was a sad time. I, just like you, acted like all was well and acted as if I was as happy as a bird with a french fry while inside my heart was hurting so badly.
I know how that must have hurt for your husband to have told you that it wasn't his job to buy you gifts. My husband used to be semi thoughtful. As Mother's Day was approaching two years ago, he said to me "I don't have to get you a card do I? You are not my Mother." Oh, how that stung. He always had in the past and a rose plant to put in the yard. I will never forget the hatefulness that he said it with.
I honestly do not know for a fact that my husband is still looking at smut, as he has his phone so protected now that it would take a technology wizard to see anything but I can not believe that he has stopped. Maybe it is best that I do not know what he is doing.
I don't know that we will ever understand this ... my therapist told me that in order to understand it completely I would have to be like him. I sure don't want that.
I also don't think that they ever see the pain that they are causing until they make the choice to face this giant and turn away from it. I believe that it is just like a drug addict or an alcoholic; they cannot see the pain that they are causing until they sober up and then many times, they drop to their knees in tears when they realize what they have done to their loved ones. Those are just my thoughts.
Oh, Sister, I know exactly what you are talking about when you comment on the things going on in your head. Sometimes I wish I could just take my brain out and soak it in Ivory Soap :-)
But, hey, you have the joy of this precious grandson. Don't let anything cloud that! Hang on to what is good and what brings you joy and take a rest from the ugly.
Write as often as you need to ... we are all in this storm together.
Hugs and Prayers.
Gracey
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Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2017 13:36:45 GMT -7
I,too, was super busy during the holidays and didn't think about it much, but I've found myself getting sad again the past couple of days. Last night my husband mentioned that he "might have a problem" with porn. We didn't get to talk about it because our kids were up. At the time, I was so happy that he finally admitted it. But now, I'm so overwhelmingly sad. I can't believe not only that this has gone on our entire marriage, but I also fear how often and how raunchy the porn got. It's so hard to feel whole when the other marriage partner is regularly partaking in something so vile. I like what you said about not being able to understand it. I guess it's a good thing that I don't.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2017 14:49:56 GMT -7
Mo it's great that your hubby has made the step of admitting he has a problem. As far as the details of his addiction go, you do not need to know the nitty gritty. So seriously think about whether or not you can handle knowing. If you cant, it's OK to tell him you can't. The thing is if it was taboo stuff he was into, he won't admit to it, at least not in the beginning.
Just encourage him to seek help...Male accountability partners, counseling, groups.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2017 15:09:58 GMT -7
You're right, the details aren't for me to know and I should focus on being happy he's not ok with his behavior either. 2017 is going to be the start of some good things for us, ladies! I developed a plan for making sure I'm meeting with God 5 out of 7 days a week (allowing a little grace for crazy days). How are you all taking care of yourselves?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2017 15:29:02 GMT -7
Hi - I am new here. I am sorry Christmas has been sad and hard for so many. My story I thought would be a bit different. Once confronted with what I had found, he was so repentive and immediately said - I have a problem. We started going to a church program for it and things were amazing that first month (Nov.). He was sooo nice (because he was upset about the pain he had caused and worried that our marriage would end). Now I see the sarcastic, mean, withdrawn, easily aggitated person back in full swing. he has accountability partners and has said he has not slipped. I just want him to he nice. There is so much stress on me right now- I am not sure how much I can take. My 18 year old daughter is on a bad path that scares me. She in getting involved with the wrong people. I have Health issues that are in the process of trying to be diagnosed. I pray alot.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2017 20:30:19 GMT -7
Judi, hi hon. Welcome to BG. It is very common for addicts to act as your husband is acting. It's also very common for addicts to stumble especially in the beginning. It took me a year of working on my own addiction to break it's hold on me. Is he getting counseling? Are you getting counseling?
I have been struggling with my health for over year so I know how aggravating that can be. It's also stressful. Add to that your husband's addiction and your adult child making bad choices...You must be at your wits end. Do your knees have permanent floor marks on them? I am convinced that all mothers of teenagers have to have those marks. I am only who I am today because of my prayer warrior mom and aunties and a loving, stubborn God that never gave up on me. I almost ended up in jail. So don't give up on praying for your daughter.
Tell me more about your health issues. I am great at researching and natural remedies so I might be able to help you guide your doctors on where to look.
Praying and sending hugs your way.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2017 8:28:41 GMT -7
Gracey, I found us the perfect song.  |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2017 9:15:07 GMT -7
Oh my gosh, Amy, I LOVE it! I laughed so hard. This is so hilarious. I will have to share this with my friends at work tomorrow. And just for the record, I am sitting here at the computer eating Twizzlers and the ice cream would not even give me reason to run :-)
You are the best!
Grace
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2017 9:34:30 GMT -7
Hi, Judi, welcome to Blazing Grace. Truly, I am sorry for what you are going through. It would hurt less to have your heart taken out and run through a meat grinder ( I may be a little on the dramatic side this morning).
I discovered my husband's addiction in February. I knew for the four years following up to the discovery that something was terribly wrong ... thought I was a crazy lady. During those four years my husband was the biggest jerk that ever lived. I could do nothing to please him. I remember one night, I went out the "wrong" door and set him off. He was so absent in our marriage, our family, and our home.
When I confronted him after discovery, he turned in to this really nice, sweet man again. But is was so fake. It was very obvious that he was just playing house.
Judi, I do not say this to hurt you, and our husbands are two totally different men, so what is true with mine could be the opposite for yours, but, after I confronted my husband, I truly believed for about 3 weeks that he really wanted to change, but soon realized that the change in him was not because he wanted to change of give up his addiction, but that he didn't want to get caught again. To this day he will spend more time and effort into not getting caught than it would take to do the work to overcome the addiction. He is yet to be honest about anything. The more I disclosed to him that I knew, the deeper underground he went.
I am so sorry that you have everything coming at you, a child, your health and your husband's addiction. That is a lot my friend. I know ZILCH about porn but I know a lot about kids ... If there is anything I can help you with there, I will be happy to.
One thing that I want to throw at you, teenagers are so tough, in the best of situations, they are tough! I look back to when I was a teenager compared to when I raised my kids and they were teenagers and compare that to today. There is a lot of bad stuff in the world and a lot of bad influences that I never had and that my kids never had. My son was a walk in the park compared to my daughter but looking back, I believe that it only because he was better at hiding what he was doing :-) There were times, Judi, that so badly I just wanted to throw my hands in the air and say "fine, do what you want, I give up", but somehow I always found the strength to stand my ground.
I am going to ask this, and if it is too personal, you can ignore me ... Is there anyway that your daughter knows what her dad is doing?
Come here as often as you need to Judi. I just read last night that writing down your thoughts and feelings releases the anger, hurt, disappointments, etc, thus making your heart lighter. Personally, I would much rather have a lighter body, but we can start with the heart :-)
I will keep you in my prayers along with your daughter. Keep in your heart that we serve a mighty God that can restore anything!
Hugs and Prayers
Grace
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2017 9:51:06 GMT -7
Hey, Mo, good to see you around. I believe that it is great that your husband is telling you that he has a problem. Mine still is in denial. I will say this, and as always, you take what works for you ... I know some of the "details", only because I planted a VAR and heard for myself what he was watching. Two sides to that coin, had I not done that, I still would be thinking I was crazy and he would still be treating me horribly but, I heard stuff that I could have gone the remainder of my life not hearing. Truthfully, it still bothers me. I did not know that porn was so vile. Honestly, when I heard someone say "porn addiction" I believed that meant Playboy magazines. I had no clue. It has been very difficult for me to remove this stuff from my head and my heart.
Maybe, just maybe, the "details" will hamper the healing. I do not know that, as I am not an expert. I wonder sometimes if I would be in a better place if I did not have the images in my head that I do. But, I am also sure that my husband had an affair more than once, in addition to the porn. I would like honesty there. If for nothing else, to know that I have not been crazy all these years. He probably realizes that he is in a no win situation ... If I can't cope with what I think I know, how in the world would I ever cope with what is true?
Mo, I find that the best way to take care of myself is to let God take care of me ... it is when I start taking matters into my own hands and thinking that I am God that everything gets all messed up. When I slow down, be still, and spend time with him and him alone, things are somewhat smooth.
I tell myself often that "God knows" and I believe it! God knows what my husband is doing, God knows my hurts, he knows my strengths and my weaknesses, he knows my heart just as he knows my husbands. And while he may not like what my husband is doing, he loves him just like he loves me. My husband will have to be accountable to God for what he is doing; just like I will have to be accountable for my actions to God. So, as hard as it may be, I try to love my husband, show kindness, and have compassion. Now, that does not mean that I let him walk all over me and treat me terrible, it means that I choose my words carefully, I don't knock him upside the head with a ball bat :-) and I try every single day to be who Jesus want me to be ... in spite of the hurt and anger that I feel. Am I always successful? Heck no! I fail more than I succeed. I know that we become what we practice the most. I so not want to become angry and hateful, I want to be love and kindness, so that is what I have to practice.
Love and Hugs to you, Mo.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2017 10:47:14 GMT -7
Mo, I really don't know how to respond to your question. Part of me wants to laugh and tell you that you are funny and another part just wants to sigh and say I have no clue. Part of my upbringing was to survive and take care of everyone. So ignoring me is second nature. It is very difficult to take care of me.
I am beginning to believe that God is allowing me to go through these health issues to teach me to ask for help. I have never been good at that. It's better to be self-reliant then allow others the chance to hurt me.
I am still such a mess but God loves messy challenges.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2017 12:23:32 GMT -7
Gracey, thank you for your words of wisdom. It's hard not knowing what's going on, but I also think it's wise to stay away from the details. I'm so sorry your husband was having affairs. I can only imagine how painful that discovery was. I wonder sometimes if the paranoia is the hardest part of this. You never really know what could be going on. I don't want to assume the worst, but sometimes I do. Then I have to ask if it's intuition or Satan trying to wreck my marriage. Sometimes I'm tempted to look up the websites I know he's been to myself. But then I remember I didn't choose for porn to be a part of my life, he did. I can still choose to keep my mind free from it. My husband has even said he's disgusted wit porn and he doesn't like it. I guess I'll never understand how you can be so captured by something you also hate- and that's what it is, captivity.
Amy, I wanted to ask that question as a challenge for us. We have to remember to take care of ourselves, because no one else will. And if our needs aren't met, everything will fall apart. I challenge you to make some real steps to self care this year, because you're worth it! It's never selfish to ask for something you need.
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