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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2016 14:14:48 GMT -7
Hi all I am new to this forum. I was a member elsewhere but it has since shut down. I have been putting up with my husbands addiction for 5 years now. He has been to SA meetings a few times then quit been to several counselor then quits. He has i believe quit looking at it for 7 months only to discover 3 weekends ago he looked again while I was gone. This time I put blocks in his phone and installed spyware on his phone. My issue is and I've read this in some other posts . I am sooo gosh darn angry at him! I feel like I really just hate him and everything about him and I feel like I just want to hit him until I feel better! I'm so sick of this ongoing problem. So after this episode of me catching him again.. I told him to leave and I was done with this marriage. He had some panic attack and made me take him to the hospital ( says he was having a heart attack) so I did and then the dr told him to seek psychiatric help. Which he did and is currently still seeing the dr. They diagnosed him with major depressive disorder. But I am just still so angry and really don't know how I can continue this life with him. I find myself snooping in his phone, tracking what he looks at, looking at his emails, Facebook etc.. I really don't like the person I have become! I used to have fun and be so caring and did everything for him. Now I just feel angry, bitter and don't want to do a darn thing for him at all! How do I get past this? Everytime I start to trust him and let my guard down it seems his eyes start wandering again and I'm back to square one! I hate this life! How do I get past it? Thanks for listening and any advice..
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2016 16:02:22 GMT -7
Hi elk. Welcome to BG. I am so sorry you have experienced what this sin addiction does to others. Let me tell you that you have a right to feel anger. Anger is our defense mechanism to keep our hurt at bay and to keep those that hurt us at a distance. Check out my Taking the Bait thread in this forum. It deals with anger and there are some good articles and videos there.
You have mentioned that he has been in counseling but have you? Counseling is needed on both sides of this sin addiction because of the devastation it can bring to the spouse. My 3 major recommendations are prayer, Bible study and counseling for spouses. We have to hang on tightly to the only one we can trust in our lives and that is God. Plus we need to figure out what we are feeling and having a sounding board such as a counselor really helps to focus us.
I see that your husband has been diagnosed with a mental illness. I am very familiar with this because I not only grew up with a mentally ill parent but was also diagnosed. I want to be sure that you handle this diagnosis properly in regards to the porn addiction. Whatever you hear from the professionals or your husband, do not lay the blame for the addition on the mental illness. I grew up hearing that every wrong my father committed was due to the mental illness. I came to realize that wasn't true. I battled with my own porn addiction along with being diagnosed. Not once did I allow that falsehood to rest on my addiction. I made the choice to look not my illness and I made sure to lay the blame at my feet. Taking ownership is the first step to overcoming this sin addiction. Letting others or something else take the blame is an automatic setup for failure.
I can understand how being a spouse of an addict changes you. After I been sober 7 years I met and married my husband. I found out about his addiction right before I found out I was pregnant. Even though I understood it from an addict's perspective, I felt like I was hit over and over by a Mack truck. I was not prepared for the gas lighting and the outright lying or the blame shifting. I became a crying, emotional, angry wreck.
The first thing you need to realize is that you can not change or fix your husband. Only he can do that and then only with God guiding him. Second, get yourself into counseling. Third start thinking about setting up some boundaries and consequences if those boundaries are crossed...Which will happen. Fourth love yourself...Be gentle with yourself. You are going to do things and think things that a normal sane person wouldn't and that is perfectly normal. Hon I hacked my ex's Facebook, emails, and YouTube accounts. Not one of my prouder moments.
Hang in there sweetie. I am praying for you.
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