Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2016 5:55:48 GMT -7
Dec 13, 2016 22:31:19 GMT -7 @ther3se said:
I want to apologize in advance for being whiny or anything else. My pregnant brain will only allow me so much insight and clarity.We've been trying to do better. He's been off the porn since the end of October and we've had several discussions, many in-depth, about it. He's been trying to be a better husband - more attentive, makes my coffee in the morning frequently (a sign of love, I always told him), and even lets me sleep in considering my sleep has been so disjointed and crappy. I've been willing to put on a face like it's all getting better - and sometimes, I feel like it is. But all too often, I find myself full of dread, and I know that it's really not. Something inside me is broken, dead, gone - rotten, spoiled, lost. I don't know the best analogy for it - I just know that now I look at Jane Austen romances and scoff. I look at the few romantic movies, etc that I used to enjoy (usually British period pieces), and they make me sick. I can't stand them anymore. I was always very aware that romances were considered the female version of pornography, and for that reason I was very careful about what I watched/read and made sure it was appropriate and, hopefully, edifying. But now I can't even do that. I just want to throw something at the TV, burn the books. I feel empty - so, so devastatingly empty. I don't want to - I see the efforts he's putting in, I see the eggshells he walks on, and I feel for him - and I want for them to make a difference, any kind of difference. I want the compliments to mean something. I want the coffee-making to be an act of love again. But, to be honest - it just feels like nothing. I don't feel any different for anything he's doing - I don't even want a date night, not really - because that means I'll have to spend an entire evening with him, pretending, without even the kids to buffer. The kids are the only thing keeping me attached, and barely so. I don't know what to do - I don't want it to be like this, but I can't find a way to make it better, either.
Hey ther3se. I am sorry you are struggling. Since this is a long post I decided to respond to each section. Whatever is not right in you I want you to think of it in terms of gardening. Plants go through cycles of growth and they all involve death and regrowth. Fruits actually have to spoil and rot in order to produce a new crop. Honey I too used to read romances and watch them on TV. I had to give them up because they weren't true and kept me looking for perfection according to the world. You said you wanted to burn the books...do it! The act of burning something like that can be and is cathartic.
Not only does your husband have to change but so do you. And keeping those "perfect" fictional stories in your life doesn't give your marriage a fair chance to heal. You have to put forth the effort of being open to your husband as he changes his behavior. You have to decide to give him the chance to woo you again. I know how difficult that can be but if you are wanting your marriage to work then you need to do these things.
Not only does your husband have to change but so do you. And keeping those "perfect" fictional stories in your life doesn't give your marriage a fair chance to heal. You have to put forth the effort of being open to your husband as he changes his behavior. You have to decide to give him the chance to woo you again. I know how difficult that can be but if you are wanting your marriage to work then you need to do these things.
I went to confession, but I felt nothing coming out. No real reassurance – other than what comes with knowing I had done what was necessary. I didn’t feel that normal elation I used to – where my heart soars, if only briefly, so happy to be free and full of grace. My heart still felt like lead, or stuck in quicksand. It felt rather dead. I didn’t feel God’s presence – I felt lonely.
And when I took communion, on both Thursday and Sunday, I didn’t feel Him. I begged that he knew I loved him, but I didn’t feel anything. Just the satisfaction that comes from a job well done – I’d made it through a week without immortally endangering my soul. Go me!
I’ve never felt an absence like this before. I’ve always felt God’s presence – if only faintly – even when I was in the throes of deadly sin habits. I was always sure he was there. Always. Now – I’m afraid he’s given up. That I’ve called on him one too many times, that I’ve spurned him too often. I know that’s not how priests tell me he is – he always welcomes back his sheep, right? That’s what they say. But I feel abandoned. In the midst of this battle my husband is fighting – and I just feel lost and abandoned. No matter what I pray, it all feels futile and worthless. I've never felt a total void of God before - not when friends died, not when I was suicidal. But now I do - and it's so very disconcerting.
I grew up Catholic and have recently returned to the Catholic Church after years of being in Protestant churches. I gave up on all the sacraments except communion long before I stopped being Catholic. Coming back to the church I realized that I truly didn't understand what the sacraments were for. My question to you is do you understand them? I would also suggest doing some research on them. Of course with you being a mother and having one on the way your time is probably limited. So if you have to choose, always choose prayer and Bible reading over researching.
You have been truly blessed to have always felt God's presence. I have gone through many periods of drought and the feeling of abandonment. What you are experiencing is something we all go through when things get bleak and darkness sets in. I want you to know from my own experience that God is always closest during these times especially when we can't feel Him. This is where our faith comes in. We just need to believe that His words are true and hang on to them. When we come out on the other side and look back we will always see our Lord's hand in the mess of our lives. These times of drought help us strengthen and grow in our relationship to our Father.
You have been truly blessed to have always felt God's presence. I have gone through many periods of drought and the feeling of abandonment. What you are experiencing is something we all go through when things get bleak and darkness sets in. I want you to know from my own experience that God is always closest during these times especially when we can't feel Him. This is where our faith comes in. We just need to believe that His words are true and hang on to them. When we come out on the other side and look back we will always see our Lord's hand in the mess of our lives. These times of drought help us strengthen and grow in our relationship to our Father.
And I do resent my husband even more so now when he has stressful days. I find myself thinking "so what? Why should I even care? Why do you think I should give a rat's tushie about your stress?" But I know I have to care, because stress is a trigger, and so I try to act like I do. But in my heart, I'm just waiting for it to be over. I just want him to shut up and be a man about it and just freaking deal with it - which is a tall order, considering all he's doing within his jobs (holding down a PT job while he launches one company and keeps the other afloat). He has a right to be stressed, to have bad days - And he has so much going on, it's not like he's whining. But on the other hand, it's hard for me to truly care. It just is. I hate that. I really, really do. It feels like I have to take care of him, and I don't want to. I don't have anything left with which to care.
Question for you... does your husband have a male accountability partner? His leaning on you when he is stressed and wanting to act out is not healthy. He needs a male accountability partner to talk with and just give you the broad picture. You need to take care of your children and you first. When you are stronger or your tank is full, you may be able to handle more but for right now your hubby needs a different accountability partner.
I don’t even know if I feel love anymore. It’s weird. I don’t know what I feel – most of the time, I feel like I can tolerate him. Sometimes, I feel like I like him. But do I love him? I don’t know. I choose to love him, stay with him, every day. But choosing isn’t exactly the same. He said to me tonight, “I’m glad you stuck it out.” But I’m still sticking it out. And I replied “me, too.” But I didn’t mean it. I’m trying to do the whole “fake it ‘til you make it” thing, and I’m afraid I’ll just be faking it forever now. Because I don’t feel anything. Honestly, I wish I had left him years ago. Maybe when we were, say, seventeen. So that I had enough time to build a different life, instead of finding a way to fit my life into his for the sake of staying together. I used to think it was worth it – and if not then, then that it would be worth it. He’s a great man, capable of great things, and I know this. But I don't care anymore. I just feel so empty and so slighted. Like all my dreams have been shattered on a very sharp rock, and there are only shards to pick up, not enough to even put back together. And even if there were enough to piece together to make a whole picture again - would I want it anymore? Or have the energy to pick it up? Or even care? Thing is, probably not. I'd just let them sit there until they turned back into sand as I withered away some more.
Why do you want what was in the past and didn't work the first time? The great thing about broken vessels, they can be peiced back together or made into something new and wonderful. Our Lord is a master at working with broken vessels we just need to stay out of His way and let Him work.
All the boardgames, and planned dates and walks in the park won’t reset what’s been done. And I used to have the strength and the love to cross the bridge anyway and meet him with his needs, his wants, put his happiness first. But I’m so dead now. I’m not even broken – I feel like my insides are a rotting carcass left on the shore of the lake to feed the flies. I’m just dead. I don’t know how to fix it. I thought going to God would help – I even spoke to the priest, and I felt nothing. Taking communion, and felt nothing. Prayed and nothing. I’m running on fumes, fear and blind faith.
I feel like I'm so far past everything he could possibly be doing anyway – to the point I’m considering just getting rid of my boardgames and letting it all fade away. Just letting that part of me go. It doesn’t matter. Nothing really matters. I’m shackled to this man, and things will continue like it always has: he’ll make me coffee every few days for a few months and then he’ll forget until he’s in the doghouse again, and the cycle will perpetrate. Even if he was trying now, doing all the right things, above and beyond what he’s doing now, my heart just dreads the idea. It would be such a wasted effort. I don’t think I could ever bring myself to care again – I’m so… dead inside. The kids matter, and that’s about it. Anything I do is now for them. Nothing is done for myself. And of course, I’ll still do things for him – but I can’t do anything for myself, not really. There's nothing to do. Nothing brings me joy. Even my last escape - TV - isn't one anymore, as I have no interest in it. And this is why having a husband who’s never really bothered to get to know you kind of sucks – they have no idea how to take care of you when you can't care for yourself. And even if they do know, and they’re like mine, they just don’t care enough to figure it out.
This is kind of embarrassing, but another side effect of this whole thing I noticed today is that I’m now hyper aware of all that I do. I ate a burger with my sister, nieces and nephews today, and I was so scared of eating it wrong. What if I looked gross while eating it? What would my husband think? What if me eating this thing just totally grossed him out? Caused him to go elsewhere? It was irrational. He wasn’t even there. Even so, I kept dabbing my mouth and wiping my fingers with the napkin after every tiny bite, all the while wondering if I should even be eating it. I’m already overweight, and it never comes off easily after the baby. Even though I was starving and McD’s was the best thing available at the time. And it was a treat – I never eat that way, I’m typically very conservative in what I consume, despite indulging in take out probably too often. But those thoughts almost paralyzed me. What if something I do triggers him? And I realized I have these thoughts all the time, quite literally, about everything that I do, wear, say.
And I realized how uneasy I am around him now. It used to be such a comfortable relationship – I used to feel totally secure, like I could do and be anything around him, and it wouldn’t matter. It certainly didn’t matter to me what he did. I loved him through all the gas and bloating and burping and lazing in holey sweatpants with three-day unwashed hair. Now, though – I don’t feel I can be that comfortable person anymore. I’m more on guard, super aware of my actions. I’m embarrassed by my own bodily functions – almost hysterically so, and they send my anxiety spiking. I feel guilty sitting on the couch when he’s around, even if I’ve been on my feet all day and I’m, oh yeah, 7.5 months pregnant and mandated to take it easy because I have a history of premature labor. I feel the bile rising in my throat anytime I buy something for myself (even something as simple and necessary as socks), anytime I do something that might add to his stress in any way. In a way, I feel like my status as his wife is tenuous at best. I always imagined that being a wife and mother, I’d feel honored and respected and an overwhelming sense of safety – these are bonds that aren't supposed to be broken, ever. So far, though, I’m three for three with pregnancies that have been rife with emotional stress and insecurity. I feel disposable, or like I could easily be. All the little gestures in the world don’t seem to be helping.
This tells me you still care. Your believing that you don't care is causing you to be hyper aware and care about everything to the extreme. You are not only hyper aware but depressed hon. I can very much relate with you on this because I have bipolar... and stress and dealing with an addict really brings it out. You need to come to the decision that your health and well-being are worth the effort to beat this depression. Your children need their mother so take care of yourself for them. Also take small steps like pushing yourself to bathe and put on decent clothes for the day. Just that small step will help you feel a little bit better.... I know from experience I have been there.
I’ve not heard from Catholic Charities and I keep forgetting to call them back. Either I’m exhausted from toddlers or they’re screaming at me and conditions are less than ideal to be making an important call. That being said. I don’t know how much counseling will help. I don’t know what will help. Even God hasn’t helped. Prayer. Nothing. My joy is gone – the small, tiny amount of hope and joy I allowed myself to feel for this coming baby has been ripped away and replaced with a semblance of chains. The baby is just another shackle – another reminder of being stuck. And, even though I really want to feel differently, I truly don’t know how. My husband will eventually give up his efforts and do God knows what – and then where will I be? The future, that was once set and bright, at least for our relationship, is just a big, scary muddle right now. And I never feel like I’m doing enough to change that – but I really just don’t know what to do anymore. What do I do?
And we have his family coming for Christmas that makes me want to set the house on fire. I wish someone had confirmed that yes, it was fine to stay at the pregnant woman's new home that's not clean and not put together. But no, everyone just assumed it would be fine. And in a way, it has to be, because his grandmother is ailing and it might be her last Christmas. How can I deny the woman spending it with her (only) great-grandchildren? But here's the catch: my husband is perfect in the eyes of his mother, and I'm the Catholic wench who wrenched him away and saddled him with three children. These things aren't spoken, of course, but every moment implied. So not only do I have to deal with him over Christmas, and Christmas itself (which brings along its own monumental baggage), but also his mother and her veiled disdain for me. I'm just not sure if I can handle it at all. The very thought makes me want to book a hotel room stay for me, for my own sanity. But of course, that would be rude and selfish. She's really not a bad woman, she just has a hard time excepting things that aren't in her worldview, and it's very difficult for me to deal with that right now. Especially when I feel the way I do about her son.
Your mom-in-law may be your greatest ally in this Christmas get together. Have you thought about opening up to her about your health and the need to take it easy because of your pregnancy and asking if she could help you with getting ready for the get together? It could make her feel wanted and needed and solidify your relationship with her. I hate humbling myself to ask for help but my health isn't very good at the moment and I did ask. My sister is coming to stay for awhile tomorrow to help me with cleaning and taking care of my mom and brother. Lord does it bother me not to be able to take care of everything.
Anyway, these thoughts and feelings keep creeping back and I figure I have a better chance figuring them out by exposing them than by internalizing it all. So thank you for listening/reading. I appreciate it.
I will keep you in my prayers hon. Hang on sweetie. You are loved and wanted and needed.