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Post by Deleted on May 31, 2005 8:53:06 GMT -7
Hi everyone. Obviously I'm new to the site. My husband is a sex addict and I have known for about 6 weeks now. We recently seperated and he has started seeing a Christian therapist. I'm an emotional wreck right now. I am so deeply hurt and disappointed by what he has done. I am praying daily that God will purify his heart and that he will be able to overcome this addiction. I truly want us to come through this with a stronger marriage and a closer relationship to God. I am scared, however, that he is not going to have the strength or determination to go through with all of the therapy he needs to do. I'm not convinced that he has "gotten real" with himself about the issue. This website has been a comfort to me however, and I come here often to read. I ask that anyone reading this will pray for my husband and myself. I know God performs miracles and as long as we keep focused on Him, anything is possible. His grace is such a blessing!
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Post by mike on Jun 1, 2005 8:12:03 GMT -7
Hi Sunflower -
Welcome to the boards. We'll pray for you and your husband.
At our last Strength in Numbers meetings here locally we talked about what it takes to get a guy to go all out to in dealing with lust. My short answer is "when a guy's had enough pain." When the pain of lust outweighs the "benefits" is often what it takes; unfortunately for too many it means they have to get caught or go through a separation to understand how serious the problem is.
Does your husband have either a group or someone he's acountable to on a regular basis ? Dealing with the heart issues is important, as your husband is doing in therapy, and it's also important that he avoids isolation like it was the black plague.
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Post by mike on Jun 1, 2005 10:21:37 GMT -7
How did you find out about your husband's sex addiction ?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2005 6:27:35 GMT -7
I just had a "feeling" things weren't right. He was spending all his waking hours on the computer. I would go to bed at 10:30 and he would stay online until 1:00 in the morning. He would spend his days off on the computer, but couldn't really tell me what he was doing. I did some snooping and discovered his "secret life". It took me a month to finally confront him. I was hurt, disgusted, angry, sad, disappointed...and didn't know what to do about it. I've left him for now. This was the 2nd time I've caught him engaged in inappropriate activity online. He has entered couseling and says that he wants to get help and make this work. How can I trust him though? He's done such a good job at lying to me. I told him that if I saw him getting help and turning towards God, I wouldn't divorce him. Time will tell. I've talked to him a few times since I left, but he doesn't seem to want to talk to me. I know he's feeling very sorry for himself right now. I feel like I'm practicing "tough love", but I'm not sure he's willing to change. All I can do is pray for God's guidance and give this to Him.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2005 13:50:41 GMT -7
Hi Sunflower,
I just wanted to say "hi" and welcome you to the forum. I can identify with a lot of what you wrote. I was married to a man with a sexual addiction for 22 years. I remember the feeling that something in the marraige just wasn't right; the hurt and anger; the doubts that your husband may not have gotten "real" with himself yet or that he doesn't have the strength or determination to go through the healing journey....the good news is that there is hope for you and for him. I pray for God to keep giving you His wisdom as well as the support you need as a wife and a woman.
I saw God work so mightily to bring healing to both my ex-husband and me. I became a stronger, more loving woman in the midst of the pain. Even though my marraige failed, I know that God is faithful and I have hope for you and your husband.
How has God been speaking to you from His word? Do you have a special passage or verse that you cling to? I'd love to hear it if you do.
Linda
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Post by mike on Jun 7, 2005 2:43:05 GMT -7
>He has entered couseling and says that he wants to get help and make this work. How can I trust him though?
I would say the following are signs of hope:
When he's meeting consistently (at least once a week) with at least one other guy; doing whatever it takes to stay out of isolation. You can always ask him for phone numbers for proof.
When he becomes less withdrawn and self focused.
When he drops the mask and freely admits his weakness when you ask him questions about his sexual sin.
When he becomes more others focused.
When he is less defensive.
When those "feelings of things not being right" you had are gone. Wives know their husbands better than anyone else, and, you can sense when he's not straight, in spite of what he says.
When he's willing to cut off the internet, or cable tv, or whatever is taking him down.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 6, 2005 0:11:23 GMT -7
Welcome.I'm new here two.My husband has been looking at porn for the whole 14 years of our marriage.He is in denile he thinks he dosen't have a problem.I know what your going through.I will pray for you.I can't tell anyone in my family.They woulden't beleave me.They adore my husband.Have Faith and it will all work out.Trust me........Take care........Roxanne.  |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2005 23:39:41 GMT -7
Hi Sunflower,
I was just reading through these posts and I quickly warped back through my three years of recovery to the day I confessed to my wife. I never want to experience the feelings that both of us had that day. We were separated for 9 months and were 3 days from a divorce. It wasn't until the reality of divorce set in that I determined to get real with my recovery. I don't say this to discourage you, but to encourage you. We were remarried a year and a half ago and have been growing and working on being healthy ever since.
You asked how you could trust him, and the difficult answer to that is that you can't. He spent this time breaking your trust and it takes time to build it back. That's not to say that you won't be able to trust him again, just that you can't right now.
I agree 100% with what Mike said about not isolating. Isolation and not discussing this addiction with others was my biggest barrier. As uncomfortable as it is, he needs to find some safe people to begin talking about this with and sharing his battles. Has he visited this site?
I wish you both the best.
Matt
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