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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2016 18:48:55 GMT -7
I am new to this group, but not to being the partner of an addict; I have spent my entire adult life with them. My ex husband, (whom I was with for 17 years - 11 married and 6 dating since I was 18) is an alcoholic. Since we separated 5 years ago, I have been with 2 active sex addicts and 1 in recovery (the middle one, from whom I learned what sex addiction is).
I just married my current husband in October despite knowing that he is addicted to chatting with ladies on the Internet. I did (however foolishly) think he was starting to look at his behavior honestly just prior to our wedding. I was wrong. I have caught him in 5 incidents of acting out in the past 6 months. The last one (a week ago) involved seeing a whole bunch of porn in his Internet history. He is in deep denial about this, has repeatedly lied to me about this, made promises he has yet to keep, and insisted that it is a coicidence that the first time I looked at his internet history and found 15 pages of porn history was the first time he has looked at it in years.
I am no stranger to anon groups, though. My first qualifier (the one in recovery) led me to attend an S-Anon meeting 2 1/2 years ago. In general, it is a very good group for which I am doing the step work for myself (currently on step 7). Funny thing is, I thought that type of work would keep me from choosing another sex addict for a partner. Again, I was wrong. It's also secular (if that's the right word) on purpose, and I need my sisters and brothers in Christ right now.
I definitely feel less crazy than I did in 2014 when I was experiencing what some called the washing machine spin cycle of emotions. I know my tendencies to get lost in my partner's problems too, so I am trying to guard against that. Nonetheless, I am still very lonely in my relationship with my husband, which I feel is very sad since we are newlyweds. I have also had it up to my eyebrows with the gaslighting and blame shifting. I'm really looking for Christian support and prayer. Lord, lift me up and help my husband look at this honestly. Convict his heart and humble him. Convince him to admit that what he has done/is doing is adultery and something for which he needs a support system. Then help me respect him again and help us love each other. Please also help me feel that this is not my fault or something I deserve because I knew about it and married him.anyway. In Jesus' name.
PS, Lord help me with my typing too.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2016 19:44:53 GMT -7
Hi Kelly. Welcome to BG. Wow what a story. I can't imagine how painful married life has been for you. As a recovering addict I can tell you there is hope for your husband. I have joined a SA group of men who are all in months or years of recovery and are sincerely remorseful and committed to staying faithful to their wives. Every one of these men had to hit bottom and had to be given consequences for their actions to get them to want to recover. Some men walk away from everything rather than quit. When I saw the pain my wife has endured and still stood by me it made me want to quit. I pray that God will grant you wisdom on how to set boundaries and consequences without lecturing, shaming and rage. Those responses as warranted as they are only make the addiction worse. There are several great ladies here with lots of wisdom, love and insights to help you. May the Lord bless you and heal your marriage.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2016 20:30:09 GMT -7
Thank you. That's encouraging. Good to hear about boundaries without shame, too.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2016 21:06:32 GMT -7
Kelly, hugs and prayers coming at ya.
My first thought is of you. Are you in counseling? If not, find a way to start seeing a counselor. It really helps. You sound so much like me. I have been in and out of anon groups since I can remember. They are good to a point but to truly get to the bottom of who you are and to understand yourself, one on one counseling is better. It is tough work but so worth it.
Not sure where you are located but in a lot of places in the US there is a Christian centered group for addicts and spouses called Celebrate Recovery. I have been to a few of those. They are good.
If you haven't set up boundaries, then you need to think about doing so. Your boundaries have to come with consequences so think on that as well. The consequences have to be firm and followed through. If he knows you won't follow through, then he won't take you seriously.
Hon the main thing you need to do right now is hang on to God and follow where He leads.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2016 21:34:00 GMT -7
Hey, Kelly, welcome to our Blazing Grace Family. You are in a good place. I am so sorry for all that you have been through ... you are one tough lady.
I will keep you in my prayers and I will always be here to listen aka read.
And, hey, if the Lord helps you with his typing, perhaps he will help me with my spelling; oh my gosh, some of the letters that I am adding to words is beyond ridiculous.
Keeping you in prayers, Kelly.
Grace
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2016 6:11:23 GMT -7
Thank you so much, ladies. I guess i am tough, but I really dont even want to be. God is going to have to do this one for me. I wish I clearly knew His will. I prayed so hard about whether i should have gone through with this marriage, and I thought I got God's thumbs up. Guess it's a moot point now, since I did marry him. My husband is smart about spiritual things. He grew up in this amazing ministry I wouldn't trade for the world. We are both in Bible College, too. That's why it's so perplexing to watch him nod in agreement when we hear that pornography is sinful, sexual sin is wrong, we are supposed to love each other exclusively, and he is supposed to love me like Christ loves the church, while his life doesn't reflect those things. I wonder if he even knows what he is doung is wrong or if he has fooled himself into thinking that the rules don't apply to him. I constantly hear him say "At least I never cheated on you!" At this point, his pride is more important to him than I am. I have set up some boundaries, which are so hard to hold on to because his personality is so forceful. I have to think on the consequences, though. I appreciate everyone's kind words and prayer.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2016 8:18:36 GMT -7
Kelly, do not doubt that you heard from God about marrying your husband. You were supposed to marry him. Now why the Lord led you to this relationship is what can be the mystery. And will be a mystery until you go through the darkness and come out on the other side.
I married my ex without knowing he was an addict but I asked the Lord if I should marry him. I heard audibly (which was a first for me) "yes he is the one." Then I found out he was an addict, got pregnant, miscarried, found out he was into underage porn, confronted him, he became violent with me with his daughter watching, I got her out of there and my discovery enabled her mother to keep him away from her. The reason God told me to marry my ex was to keep his daughter safe and lead me to this site. Even my miscarriage was a blessing... which is the most difficult I have ever had to say. My ex would have had access to our child because of state laws. I would not have been able to use my discovery to keep him from having access.
I guess what I am trying to show you here is that there is always a blessing and God always has a reason and He is always working in our lives.
Hang in there hon.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2016 10:42:33 GMT -7
Thank you. I appreciate every prayer and word of encouragement.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2016 22:15:39 GMT -7
Amy, that is a beautiful testament of the love of Jesus. The story you tell is a perfect example of how God sometimes uses the ugly to get us to the beautiful. It made me cry ... Jesus loves the little children so much, look how he protected two in your life. Amy, you are a trooper. It also made me think of how God does not call the equipped but equips the called ... he equipped you, sister!
Kelly, God will use your story for his glory, we just have to believe. You are made of really good stuff, you will be a victor and not a victim in this, I believe!
Kelly, I have had some just downright crappy times in my life and have found myself questioning God, doubting God and even wondering if he really loved me like he loves everyone else. I have even thought that I wanted to walk away from God and try a life without him. That didn't last very long. When I read your story, you, too, have a list of hurts and unfairness a mile long. I can say that when I look back at the times when I hurt the most and couldn't see the sun for the tears, God was right there. I have never ever been alone, never been in battle by myself and never been abandoned. God has a better track record of showing up than anyone I have ever known ... and sometimes, he not only showed up, but he showed off!
One thing that I keep hanging on to is the feeling of loneliness that I felt when I discovered the porn addiction. I had absolutely no one that I could go to and where did God direct me? Blazing Grace! That was all God because when I stumbled upon this site I was at a really low place.
I always wanted to add that my husband has/had a very forceful personality. At times, I would even call him intimidating. I really see a change in that. I believe that is because I have started to stand up for me and what I believe in. Just in the past week, I have seen a change, for the better in the way he treats me. I am not going to give him a treat just yet :-), but it is a treatment that I have not seen in a very long time. Tonight he commented on how exhausted I looked. I told him that I must really look bad because my boss came in to my office today to ask me if I was okay because he thought I looked really worn out. My husband's comment was "I feel so bad because this is all because of me". I assured him that it had nothing to do with him ... it was the time of year and my summer tan had faded! I believe that Jesus is working on his heart ... better his heart than kicking his butt!
Hang in there, Kelly. You have a wonderful support system here. Rely on anyone and everyone on the dark and cloudy days. God brought all of us together to shelter each other from the storm.
Love and hugs.
Gracey
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2016 6:24:01 GMT -7
Thank you, Gracey. Your comments about your husband remind me so much of mine. He vacillates between telling me he's sorry he hurt me (but for some watered down reason of how he really hurt me) and being a completely insensitive jerk. God is with me, though, and I know there's a method to this madness. I will go for my own appointment for help with this next week. I pray that my husband gets over his pride enough to go for his own appointment. Currently, he is convinced that he can do it on his own because he bought a book he's not reading...sigh. I wonder what the next thing I'll catch him doing will be.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2016 15:54:20 GMT -7
I will absolutely keep you updated. In between venting, I'm waiting on God to show me what my next move is. My husband has been sweet for the past week and a half, but that's how it goes. It's only a matter of time before he acts out again. Alarm bells are already going off. I just don't know how to confront him right now. I'm tired of fighting. What he does affects me, but it's not my responsibility to fix.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2016 20:08:10 GMT -7
Hi, Kelly, I have been thinking of you. Our husbands do act alike ... God love them! My husband has been the sweetest man in the world these past two weeks. I just take it at face value. Truthfully, this is the first time in 4.5 years that my husband has even made an attempt at being nice, but I think that he finally believes me when I say "I am done".
My husband refuses to seek help for his addiction and/or read anything related to addiction. He claims that he "got over it" all on his own. I do not believe that for a second, I just think that he "got over" getting caught.
For today, I am too tired to think about it. I am trusting God to be in charge, I cannot cry another tear, fight another fight, or yell another mean thing. I am just tired!
For now, I am good. I am busy planning a birthday celebration for our savior and that is more important that wondering what he is up to. I do fear that I will slip back into my darkness once the holidays are over but I will just have to pray about it and lean on my BG Family ... we will have to carry each other through the darkness of the winter.
Hang in there, Kelly, better days are coming.
Hugs and Prayers
Grace
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2016 20:04:45 GMT -7
Thank you, Grace. You are in my prayers too.
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