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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2016 20:30:38 GMT -7
My husband has been addicted to porn and masturbation since he was 8 years old. I didn't know any of this when we got married. About 3 years into our marriage I noticed we were only having sex once or twice a month. I started trying to seduce him, but my advances only seemed to make him angry, and sometimes he would make fun of me. He finally confessed his porn use and told me he had found an accountability partner. He was very humble and terrified I was going to leave him. To say I was heartbroken would be a huge understatement. I was a virgin when we got married and so naive I didn't even realize watching porn led to masturbation. It took me a full year to get over it. I thought about it every day.
Apparently he was clean for one year before falling back into it. At 8 years of marriage, I discovered this summer that he had joined a social networking fetish site. I confronted him and even though he was very angry, he confessed. He admitted he had sought ads women had placed and had chatted with them. He swore there were no Web cams or meet ups. He said he just wanted something to masturbate to and he had deleted his account after about a week out of disgust. This was the only time I've ever seen my husband cry. He asked me to get up early in the mornings with him so we could have sex before the stress of his day provided temptation. I eagerly agreed (I've always wanted more sex) and I quickly got pregnant with our 3rd child. This went on a few months.
Three weeks ago we stopped having sex. I looked at his phone this weekend and found porn sites. I confronted him and he blew up on me like he was a different person. For the first time in our marriage he screamed at me. He told me it was my fault for being insecure. He accused me of not loving him for snooping on his phone. He threw a full beer bottle at the wall. He later apologized for being angry, but we haven't talked about it otherwise and he still seems really angry.
Is this what the rest of my life has to be? He treats me like garbage when he's looking at that stuff. During the few times he's been clean, he's such a kind and attentive husband. I've given this man everything. I've completely lost my identity in trying to be a "good wife." I don't even know how to make myself happy. I want to just forget it and live my life, but I'm so afraid he won't get better if I ignore it. I have no idea what to do.
I can't go to counseling because he's in mental health and I'd essentially be seeing a coworker of his. I've reached out to a few women at my church but no one seems to have this problem or have time for me. I can't believe this is my life, I never even wanted to get married but I fell in love with him. I'm afraid to sleep if he's still awake, and worried he'll physically cheat on me if he stays at work late. I have no idea what to do.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2016 21:16:34 GMT -7
Hi Mo. I am sorry hon that you are experiencing this. What you have experienced is normal. The gas lighting, the blaming, the anger. Many addicts can't handle placing the blame where it belongs... at their doorstep.
I am going to say this and you probably won't like it but I am saying it anyway because YOU are worth it. Go see a counselor. I don't care if your husband works with them, you need to go for you. You need to take care of yourself hon. Counselors are professionals and know how to keep things confidential....besides that may be the wake-up call your husband needs to change his behavior.
I am praying for you and your husband.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2016 21:50:21 GMT -7
Hi, Morich, I am so sorry that you have this horrible addiction in your marriage. But I am happy for you that you found this website for support. I pray that you find it your comfortable place just as I did. When I first came here, I spent hours and hours reading through all the old posts. I do not think I missed a one. The thing that amazed me the most was that I was not alone. I could have been the writer of many of the posts that I read as they were my words and my feelings, exactly. I found some comfort in knowing that I was not the only one that had the same thoughts or feelings ... there were many others.
You say you are naive ... oh my gosh, I am certain that if I were to look that word up in the dictionary it would have my picture by it. So much I have learned that I never had a clue. So many things that I could have gone the rest of my life never knowing. AND I am 54 years old, and I am just now learning some of this stuff. I honestly thought that masturbating was something that only young boys did when they were going through puberty. Never ever knew that it went with pornography like milk goes with cookies.
My husband turned into someone that I did not know and someone that I do not like very much. Some of the hurtful things that come out of his mouth leave me shaking my head in disbelief. I think, but I could have it all wrong, the anger is a trademark. With my husband, I believe that his anger came from his secret being found out and he was not as free to do the P/M as often. He had to begin to be more cautious. I feel that once I discovered, he became a nervous wreck, leading to anger. I could have that wrong, though.
Your husband needs an attitude adjustment ... This is NOT your fault because you are insecure ... You are insecure because of the choices that he is making. How in the world can we, as women, not be insecure when our husbands are choosing porn, masturbation, dating sites, etc, over us?
You, as his wife, have every right in the world to look at his phone, just as he would have every right to look at yours. That has nothing in the world to do with love, as he says. You looked at a phone, he is looking at other women. Hmmm, I do not thing you have anything to feel bad about. Now, I do not know how this works, another area where I am naive, but my husband has put something on his phone or done something sneaky because now there is never ever anything on it. It is almost like everything disappears immediately. Your husband may get smart enough to do the same thing. I never in a million years would have believed my husband could be this smart!
NO!!! This is not how the rest of your life has to be. Don't allow it to be. Draw the line in the sand. You tell him to get his head out of the porn and back into the marriage or he can leave. You do not need him to be complete, you do not need him to be happy, you do not need him to change the oil in your car (there is always Jiffy Lube), and you do not need him to make you feel insecure, as you can do that all on your own.
You say "but I'm so afraid he won't get better if I ignore it" ... You cannot make him want to get better nor can you make him better. He has to want this. It can be done, it won't be easy and it won't be better in a day, but it can be done. Read some of the posts of the men here that work diligently everyday to overcome this addiction. They want it and they are willing to work for it. Your husband has to love the Lord and love you more than his addiction.
Sweetie, go ahead and sleep, even if he is awake. If he chooses this addiction, there is nothing you can do to stop him. He will find a way. You are not the Porn Police, you are his wife and he should be honoring you, not screaming at you and throwing beer bottles at the wall. I am afraid that after that little act I would make him drink his beer from a Sippie Cup!
And know what else, sweetie, quit worrying about him cheating on you, physically. You can not stop him. This is all on him. He owns this and until he steps up to the plate and is willing to swing and admit that he needs some help, you cannot fix him. I do not say any of this to be harsh or make your hurting heart ache any more than it already does. It is just stuff that I have learned.
Just for today ... Take care of you. You cannot fix him but you have all the power necessary to fix you.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Hugs - Grace
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2016 12:26:46 GMT -7
We need an "I love you" button... Gracey you are so on point with your post. Thank you. I agree with everything gracey said Mo.
Take care of you. Lean on God. He is our strength.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2016 18:22:48 GMT -7
I am new here too, and your story has some striking similarities to mine. I resolve not to let my husband dictate how I feel since I will decide that, but that involves an ongoing war that is exhausting to say the least. I am praying for you.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2016 5:32:16 GMT -7
Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement. I hate that we have to all be in this group, but I'm so grateful we're not alone.
Yesterday hubby told me "I've been really mean to you lately" and I told him I wanted to talk about some things. I know he's avoiding the conversation, but the silence is killing me. I want to tell him he needs to go therapy. I mean, this addiction just cannot be about sex if I'm making so many efforts on my part. It's hard because I want to be compassionate and supportive, but he also needs to see just how much this hurts me. I'm afraid he'll dismiss me as being too emotionally needy. I don't think he gets that thousands of women feel the same way I do.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2016 5:34:36 GMT -7
The thing I keep asking myself is, how can I still be happy despite porn in my marriage? It's such a betrayal of trust, but I know I can't change him and I don't think God wants me to leave him. So how can I just live and be happy? How do I let it go?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2016 6:34:34 GMT -7
For me, happiness with my situations (whatever they are) always involve my being kind enough to myself not to force myself to accept things I shouldn't. Forgiveness is not such an easy concept for people like me, who are very kind to others, but not to ourselves. It wasn't until I read that "Jesus forgives us all our sins, but he doesn't condone them" that I began to understand that I don't have to force myself to accept or be okay with bad behavior. Allowing myself to be upset or angry doesn't mean I'm unforgiving. It's one thing to know that, and quite another to feel it, especially when dealing with the selfishness of addiction. I guess that was a long, roundabout way of saying you (and I) have a right to expect our husbands to go to address this in the way you described. He needs to do ito. Don't let him make you feel guilty about it. I'm praying for you.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2016 11:26:56 GMT -7
Letting go is a process hon. I have been in the process for 35 years. It's a constant learning. It is something that can only be done with God beside you. We all approach it differently. I pray, read the Bible, see a counselor, vent on here, have heart to hearts with God, even scream and yell at God, talk with my mom and my sisters...you get the picture. LOL
There are only 3 things I would say should be universal for us. Prayer, reading the Bible and counseling. I will always push those three when talking to others because prayer is our life blood and greatest weapon, the Bible is our only truth and counseling because it really helps you to figure out who you are and teaches you how to cope and respond to others.
If you have the time, look up Patrick Doyle of Veritas Counseling on YouTube. He is brilliant and has helped many of us here.
My prayers are with you.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2016 12:14:22 GMT -7
Thank you for being honest with me, I just want so badly to stop the pain I've been in for the past 5 years. It's unrealistic to expect a quick fix. Are there any specific videos you can recommend? I'm seeing hours and hours of options. Thank you for this recommendation, I'm going to watch during naptime.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2016 13:27:56 GMT -7
Wow he has so many good ones...are there any thst speak to you just from the title? I find that is how God prods me and if I watch what grabs my attention it's like God speaking directly to me. If not, I will link a couple you may want to start with.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2016 13:31:14 GMT -7
Hmm...maybe I should start a Patrick Doyle fan thread. God has done so much good through Patrick. And in order for that to happen Patrick had to go through hell. It is amazing how out Lord works.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2016 14:15:48 GMT -7
Hurt and forgiveness go hand in hand. So if you watch the forgiveness one, you need to watch this one also.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2016 14:46:15 GMT -7
Wow! Thanks for posting that!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2016 14:53:45 GMT -7
Thank you so much! "You have to be willing to lose the relationship." Wow, that's sobering. I'm going to continue praying for my husband daily, but I can't control his behavior. If he lets our relationship spiral into distrust and lack of intimacy I can't save it. I have to meet my needs myself.
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