Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2016 20:02:04 GMT -7
I am posting here tonight with such a sadness in my heart. My heart is so heavy from all the pain and hurt that go hand in hand with being married to a porn addict. I cannot do it any longer. I do not have any fight left in me. This has become my battle and not his. He does not want to change and he does not want to give it up. All of his effort goes into hiding and covering it instead of overcoming it.
Yesterday was a day of fighting, yelling, being hurtful, crying and trying so hard to get him to realize that his behavior is very hurtful and it is very inappropriate.
He sees nothing inappropriate about riding around in the country and drinking beer with a single woman ... He said that it was NOT inappropriate. He sees nothing wrong with going to a co-workers house after work with another female co-worker and drinking beer. Again, he said that it was NOT inappropriate. When I asked him how he would feel if I did the same thing, he did not like it. I can not make him realize that his behavior is not only inappropriate but he is disrespecting me at every corner.
The porn ... I have never seen what he watched only heard it. But when I told him that watching porn with a young girls and their fathers was so wrong his response was "it doesn't mean anything". Ain't that something? It means the world to me!
He has never been honest about any of this ... the only things I know, I have found out on my own. He told me he has had this addiction for a couple of years, our marriage has been crap for 5-6 years. In asking a question yesterday that he finally was honest about, I could figure out that at least seven years ago he was doing this.
Knowing that for seven years (at least) this man let me believe that there was something wrong with me. Criticizing me, belittling me, picking fights over nothing so I would go outside or go to "MY ROOM" so he could be left alone, all the while, he knew ... he knew ... there was nothing wrong with me. It was him that was broken.
I did all the housework, yard work, cleaned the gutters, cleaned the garage, paid the bills, cooked the meals, power washed the house, you name it ... all so he could be in the house viewing porn and masturbating.
The lies ... Oh my gosh ... I told him yesterday that I cannot even carry on a conversation with him anymore. It is like talking with Sybil. His character changes minute to minute. When I point out that I caught him in a lie he just stutters and stammers.
Let me tell you where my real sadness comes in ... This morning I was driving to church (about a thirty minute drive) and I just kept thinking over and over, "God, you knew, for all these years, you knew". All these years that I thought (up until February last year when I discovered the porn) there was something wrong with me. I believed all the lies that women are so apt to believe about ourselves. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed some more for God to help me to change so my marriage would get back on track. I prayed for God to change whatever it was about me that was making my husband not like me. All these years, I thought it was me and God knew. For at least seven years, God knew. God knew while I was taking care of my brother after a horrible accident that almost claimed his life and while I was taking care of my Mother when she was dying, then my Grandmother, he was watching porn and masturbating. While I was doing what I was supposed to be doing and feeling so guilty that I was driving an already wedge between us even deeper. God knew that it had nothing to do with what I was doing but everything to do with what my husband was doing. God knew all of this and he let me believe that I was unworthy that I was bad for at least seven years. While I have been serving and worshiping God, praying, attending Bible studies, teaching Sunday School, teaching VBS, all of this, and he chose to protect my husband from his addiction and never once tapped me on the shoulder and said "hey, Grace, just an FYI, your husband is into porn". Why? I cannot wrap my head around it. So all day today, I just keep shaking my head and saying "You knew, Father, all these years, you knew".
I have always said ... for as long as I can remember, that I am God's Pet. In reality, I know that he has no pets, but when I look at all he has blessed me with, I sure have felt like it. I don't anymore. I just can't quit crying ... I feel so alone. I have had some really dark days but I always knew that God was right there, right now, I am not sure that I believe what I believe.
I told my husband yesterday that I am leaving after the 1st of the year. I just cannot stay here any longer. I feel like the bad person now because I am pretty certain that God does not like divorce.
And why, please tell me, why, after all these years of treating me like crap, is he upset because I am leaving? Why? He has had nothing to do with me and now he acts like he is on the doorstep of death. Does he think so little of me that he believes I deserve to be treated like this?
My plan initially was to do some PI work and find some proof that he was seeing someone (as per an attorney) to give me leverage in keeping the house but I do not care anymore ... he can have it all. My toothbrush and clean underwear will be enough for me to leave with. Doesn't seem fair, but then, we all know that sometimes life isn't fair.
So, for today, it hurts really bad. Tomorrow ... Tomorrow, I will go back out there and stand firm knowing that the battle is not mine but God's. I will not need to fight ... I will only need to stand still and eat Bon-Bons, as he will do the fighting for me. But right now, I am a mess!
Love to all ~~~
Grace
Yesterday was a day of fighting, yelling, being hurtful, crying and trying so hard to get him to realize that his behavior is very hurtful and it is very inappropriate.
He sees nothing inappropriate about riding around in the country and drinking beer with a single woman ... He said that it was NOT inappropriate. He sees nothing wrong with going to a co-workers house after work with another female co-worker and drinking beer. Again, he said that it was NOT inappropriate. When I asked him how he would feel if I did the same thing, he did not like it. I can not make him realize that his behavior is not only inappropriate but he is disrespecting me at every corner.
The porn ... I have never seen what he watched only heard it. But when I told him that watching porn with a young girls and their fathers was so wrong his response was "it doesn't mean anything". Ain't that something? It means the world to me!
He has never been honest about any of this ... the only things I know, I have found out on my own. He told me he has had this addiction for a couple of years, our marriage has been crap for 5-6 years. In asking a question yesterday that he finally was honest about, I could figure out that at least seven years ago he was doing this.
Knowing that for seven years (at least) this man let me believe that there was something wrong with me. Criticizing me, belittling me, picking fights over nothing so I would go outside or go to "MY ROOM" so he could be left alone, all the while, he knew ... he knew ... there was nothing wrong with me. It was him that was broken.
I did all the housework, yard work, cleaned the gutters, cleaned the garage, paid the bills, cooked the meals, power washed the house, you name it ... all so he could be in the house viewing porn and masturbating.
The lies ... Oh my gosh ... I told him yesterday that I cannot even carry on a conversation with him anymore. It is like talking with Sybil. His character changes minute to minute. When I point out that I caught him in a lie he just stutters and stammers.
Let me tell you where my real sadness comes in ... This morning I was driving to church (about a thirty minute drive) and I just kept thinking over and over, "God, you knew, for all these years, you knew". All these years that I thought (up until February last year when I discovered the porn) there was something wrong with me. I believed all the lies that women are so apt to believe about ourselves. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed some more for God to help me to change so my marriage would get back on track. I prayed for God to change whatever it was about me that was making my husband not like me. All these years, I thought it was me and God knew. For at least seven years, God knew. God knew while I was taking care of my brother after a horrible accident that almost claimed his life and while I was taking care of my Mother when she was dying, then my Grandmother, he was watching porn and masturbating. While I was doing what I was supposed to be doing and feeling so guilty that I was driving an already wedge between us even deeper. God knew that it had nothing to do with what I was doing but everything to do with what my husband was doing. God knew all of this and he let me believe that I was unworthy that I was bad for at least seven years. While I have been serving and worshiping God, praying, attending Bible studies, teaching Sunday School, teaching VBS, all of this, and he chose to protect my husband from his addiction and never once tapped me on the shoulder and said "hey, Grace, just an FYI, your husband is into porn". Why? I cannot wrap my head around it. So all day today, I just keep shaking my head and saying "You knew, Father, all these years, you knew".
I have always said ... for as long as I can remember, that I am God's Pet. In reality, I know that he has no pets, but when I look at all he has blessed me with, I sure have felt like it. I don't anymore. I just can't quit crying ... I feel so alone. I have had some really dark days but I always knew that God was right there, right now, I am not sure that I believe what I believe.
I told my husband yesterday that I am leaving after the 1st of the year. I just cannot stay here any longer. I feel like the bad person now because I am pretty certain that God does not like divorce.
And why, please tell me, why, after all these years of treating me like crap, is he upset because I am leaving? Why? He has had nothing to do with me and now he acts like he is on the doorstep of death. Does he think so little of me that he believes I deserve to be treated like this?
My plan initially was to do some PI work and find some proof that he was seeing someone (as per an attorney) to give me leverage in keeping the house but I do not care anymore ... he can have it all. My toothbrush and clean underwear will be enough for me to leave with. Doesn't seem fair, but then, we all know that sometimes life isn't fair.
So, for today, it hurts really bad. Tomorrow ... Tomorrow, I will go back out there and stand firm knowing that the battle is not mine but God's. I will not need to fight ... I will only need to stand still and eat Bon-Bons, as he will do the fighting for me. But right now, I am a mess!
Love to all ~~~
Grace