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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2016 14:46:28 GMT -7
Hi, new here. My story is pretty much the same as many others. 35 years married and just found out this summer that my husband was addicted to porn all of our marriage , came into it addicted. Really struggling with betrayal trauma and PTSD. The last two years were particularly tough as he was hardcore gas lighting me, this was the time period he had turned to high speed internet porn and I totally noticed a huge difference in him which made me think he was having an affair. Made me very crazy until I finally looked at his video log activity on FB. Then to top it all off we went to out pastor for counselling and that was a complete disaster. He couldn't get passed the fact I had all this anger against my husband ( imagine that eh?) and he kept wanting me to be a good christian wife and come alongside of him and as I overflowed with the Holy Spirit together we would heal my husband. Out of shear guilt I tried that lasted about two sessions before I completely fell apart. Mostly because after counselling it was the death by a thousand cuts thing going on at home where my husband kept revealing little bits about his addiction and swearing that was all there was, for sure and then next week we would start all over again....you know the drill right. Anyhow we asked to be released from couseling to find out the pastors true nature..yikes an aggressive bully. He told my husband he'd written his resignation twice over our problem but for us not to worry if he quit it was not our fault. Seriously?! Needless to say we put in our letter to withdraw membership which has now turned into a huge hassle where we have basically lost the friendship of the only other couple that knew anything about this... Friends of over 20 years because they side with the pastor.
Wow what a lonely path. My husband is doing so well, he's got counselling and went for group counselling too. We've been reading lots of very good books together and he's not a reader. We've put covenant eyes on his devices and I think because his exposure to high speed porn was relatively short it's been a bit of an easier "recovery" at this stage, I.e. Less withdrawal symptoms. However there sure is nothing for spouses, my walk with Christ is what I cling to but there's only my counsellor that I talk to. I slap on my mask every day and head off to work and am just torn up inside! There is a wives group starting in Jan for counselling but wow I've never been so isolated in my whole life! And I'm a total introvert so that's really saying a lot!! Just need someone to talk to that's been through this. Oh and I'm trying to keep everything together as I plan my daughter wedding in Dec. our kids (both grown) don't know anything about our troubles. Nothing like a little added stress eh?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2016 19:36:09 GMT -7
Hi Sandi. Welcome to BG. My wife has also found it hard to get support for her recovery from my addiction. My therapist recommended a book called Mending a Shattered Heart by Patricia Carnes. She says its very helpful. Would your husband come here for support and accountability?
It is good you are here. I'm sure the ladies here will have lots of good support.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2016 21:16:08 GMT -7
Thank you for your welcome, I'm new to the whole forum format so this may be a duplicate, forgive me. I have read a number of books but not that one I may add it to my list, thank you for that suggestion! My husband may be interested in this site for support I will ask him, thank you. I look forward to the support of others in a similar situation and if I can offer any I also hope to do so.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2016 7:38:41 GMT -7
Hi Sandi, welcome to BG. I am sorry you have had such a bad experience with your former pastor. I must say that many spiritual leaders cannot handle the sin of sexual immorality and the devastation it wrecks in the lives of all involved. It takes someone skilled in counseling to handle this sin. Also let me say this...You can't heal your husband, only God and your husband can do that. You can only heal yourself with our Lord's help. Are you looking for a new church? I know how difficult that is but you need the Christian fellowship.
I am so glad you are getting counseling. That is a major help. I encourage you to go to the wives group. You will find much support there. And you will be able to offer support to others which helps us just as much as receiving support. I feel you about being isolated and introverted. I have to push myself to do things that requires me to interact with others. I absolutely hate large gatherings and parties...ugh. My mask is permanently on. The only ones that know the real me are God, my mom, sisters and people here.
Are you sure your kids don't know about the porn? Children are astute and tend find things out especially if they grow up in it. I knew about my dad's porn use growing up and he initiated my brother into it. The only one not aware of what was going on was my mom. She also didn't know about the sexual abuse. It's like we as wives wear blinders until the truth runs over us like a Mack truck.
I am praying for you hon.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2016 10:18:23 GMT -7
Hi Amy
We are looking for another church but may be "disciplined" by our current one even though we are not attending and will not go back or meet with the elders. My counsellor advised against it right now due to my poor emotional and physical health and the church would not give us an extension so we withdrew our membership without going through what they consider proper procedure even though we explained we would if they would wait....they wouldn't. They now view us as in rebellion with me as the cause and may in fact let the entire membership know about my H addiction. This has pretty wide reaching consequences as we are in a medium sized city where lots of people know other people including our families and even my H employer/employees. We chalk it up to them having no experience with this issue and being process focused rather than focused on grace and mercy. We do believe in discipleship and process but were only asking for an extension. That all said we believe in Gods complete sovereignty and know that he is with us as we walk this path. He has shown us aspects of the pastors character that we would not have known without going through this and we now understand we should not be in this church. God is good! Losing our best friends however is devastating, I feel like they think we are disgusting to them now, this umbrella of shame is made of lead.
I cried when I read your note about my kids knowing. I know what you are saying about them being astute. Certainly more so than I was, it's hard not to beat myself up when there were so many warning signs and out and out blatant signs my H had a problem. I was seriously stupid. Once he liked a porn star on facebook and my oldest daughter texted me the next am to say dad liked something he shouldn't have. We had a big blow up but of course he said it was a one time thing etc. etc. so now when you say this I wonder if my daughter knows. I pressed my H HARD about if he did anything to our kids and he says no. I believe him as his addiction was magazines and videos except for the last two years where it was facebook internet porn. I discussed this with my doctor and she asked a lot of questions about their relationship with him. It's a very good relationship, no issues with being around him without me, no hesitation in seeing him, anger etc.
Thank you for your prayers.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2016 11:43:59 GMT -7
I am sorry I made you cry. I just wanted to you be completely aware of everything and everyone this addiction touches in the family unit. From the sounds of what you said your daughter knows already. She may not know all the details but she knows. As far as your husband being inappropriate with your kids...there are signs and it sounds like your counselor has gone over them with you. Another thing is that you would have stumbled on underage porn if he was into that. No matter how well an addict hides stuff it always comes to light. My ex viewed underage porn. I found it, confronted him, he left bruises on me and I got his daughter safely away from him. Got divorced and made sure his daughter's mother got full custody of her. My dad also had the stuff hidden around the house.
You don't need the stuff your former pastor is trying to dish out. I don't know what denomination you belong to but there are many more out there. Try a nondenominational church. I know that having this sin brought out infront of everyone can be embarrassing but look at what it says about the leaders of that church. Judging is something we are called to do but it needs to be tempered with grace, love and forgiveness. The fact that they are unable to do that speaks volumes. Something to maybe think about and talk to your husband about is getting out infront of this. Maybe make one more appearance at that church and tell the congregation what sin you are dealing with and ask for prayer from them. That way you control what they see. Instead of shame, they will see an imperfect couple dealing with a hard sin and needing support and prayer to overcome. If it were me, I would just shake the dust from my feet and move on but it sounds like you have deep ties.
Remember you are not alone in this. We are here for you and God is always with you.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2016 12:51:44 GMT -7
You are right, she knows. I guess we are just being squeezed in a thousand directions right now. I just spoke to my H and his boss is giving him the gears to work 60 hours a week instead of 50. We have a clear understanding that unless it's going to cost him his job 50 is the max. Our one daughter is getting married here in a month so we are trying to put everything together for that and hold everything together on all fronts, get ready for Christmas and deal with the church fall out. I work too so it's a stretch esp. With not being well. Getting out in front of this just isn't possible in that there's just no extra resources in our life to spare at this moment. My H gets so filled with shame he is overwhelmed to the point where he can't sleep and has had chest pain in the past months. He works at a job that requires his full attention as it can be hazardous. We were in a. On denominational church and are actively searching now. Not too many to pick from in our city.
On a more praiseworthy one however I have found some very helpful bible studies and the last two days have been glorious. You know those days when God links what you see in one place with many other circumstances and then back to His word. It's been that kind of study. Also I can't tell you how I appreciate talking to you. The isolation of the past 5 months has been really devastating. Thank you so much for replying to me....lol I'm trying not to cry so much today because I have a stupid cold (that's why I'm here in the daytime...off work) and its a real snort fest.
I am sad about what you must have went through. Your situation certainly is heartbreaking and I'm sorry that you experienced such pain. I felt so devastated having to ask my H about the kids but on the flip side there is a side within a mother that also is fierce and determined, just as you were in protecting his daughter. I believe of course that God gave that to us.
We want our marriage to continue, I need to know how to trust again. The partners support group that will start in Jan will help I pray. It's using material from Stephanie Carnes, Patrick Carnes daughter I believe. I didn't read his book but my husband used his workbook in the group that he attended and it wa extremely helpful.
I have also tossed around the idea of having my H take a polygraph. He's always said yes he has no problem doing hat as he has told me everything so I'm not sure if there's any point. It's just so difficult to try to learn how to begin again.
Thank you so much for talking to me you can't know how much I appreciate it! Forgive my self centred ness!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2016 13:38:49 GMT -7
Honey you are not self centered. That's not possible for a good mother and you are I can tell.
Let me suggest one person to look up on YouTube. His name is Patrick Doyle with Veritas Counseling. The Dove channel has him on regularly and he is spot on with addictions, abuse and how to handle them in a Christian manner. He is wonderful and has help several of us women out over the time I have been here. Since you have some extra time because of your cold, give him a listen.
God is good and always finds a way to minister to us right where we are. I am thankful you are experiencing this. Tell your husband that porn is a sin like any other sin and there isn't one of us that is without sin. He can be forgiven be just needs to ask and then love himself enough to follow God who is life instead of sin which is death. Encourage him to check out our forums. The men here are supportive. Another thing your husband should keep in mind is that 50% of the men in ministry are addicted to some type of sexual immorality and 80% of regular church going men are in the same boat.
It is good for him to experience shame because of this sin but not to let it control him.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2016 22:24:43 GMT -7
Hi, Sandi, welcome to Blazing Grace. It is a comfortable place to be when you are hurting. I am so sorry for the pain that you are going through, not only with discovering your husband's addiction but with your church as well.
Sandi, something came to my mind when reading about the way you are being treated by your church ... I have a best friend in the world that is a youth pastor in another state. We have been friends for many years. Text, email, and call once in a while. There is nothing I can not talk about with him. In February when I discovered my husband's addiction, I emailed him. He responded but very short and to the point. I found it odd but dismissed it. The next email he never responded. That was February. No communication until April when I texted him to jokingly tell him that it was someone special's birthday (mine) His reply was simply "LOL". No communication until September when one day out of no where it registered with me that he was addicted to porn as well. I sent an email telling him what I believed. Still have heard nothing back.
Is it possible that you have the same situation?
I will be back more after the holiday. Hang in there, Sandi. God is good and he keeps his promises!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Grace
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2016 17:54:40 GMT -7
Hi Grace
Happy thanksgiving to you too! I'm sad when I think about your friend. The stats are overwhelming and I'm so embroiled in this I look at everyone differently.....I think this situation is more that God has revealed this persons true character to us as trouble has followed him everywhere in the past. We are grateful that God has removed us but His path is certainly not always easy.
Thank you for your encouragement I'm grateful!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2016 18:06:20 GMT -7
Hi Amy
I wanted to thank you for recommending that I listen to Patrick Doyle he's very good. I listen ended to his talk on toxic shame and then picked up the book by John Bradshaw healing the shame that binds you. It was recommended by my husbands counsellor and Patrick mentions it too I think. It's hard right now to know the balance of healthy shame and toxic shame. My H and I try to balance that out as I don't want him overwhelmed and he is completely devastated by what this has done to us and at the thought of losing his marriage and his family. He says it's his number one motivator outside of God that keeps him totally focused on not going back. So as you say some shame is healthy shame.
Thanks again
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Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2016 9:39:45 GMT -7
Hi Sandi, just checking in on you. How are you doing hon? How are things with your husband?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 6, 2016 7:31:10 GMT -7
Hi Amy
Thank you for the check in. Things ramp up in terms of stress as we approach our daughters wedding whic I think makes things between us more difficult too. For me anyhow. I know he's really solid in his resolve so not too worried about P. But his lack of ability to deal with conflict has been a huge issue this week. His family thinks they can make these smart comments and get away with them. Well it's anew world now. I called his sister and we just talked it out after she made one on the weekend. I wasn't angry when I spoke to her just worked it through and it was fine, but I want him to step up and that really annoys me. His family has a secret life with my H where they call him only at work well we made a decision there's no more secret lives in our marriage no more calling family at work. Yesterday he called his brother back from work and I really didn't deal with that well. Still lots of rage and distrust....anyhow I'm stressed and fed up. I don't want a 58 year old child....
Thank you so much for your concern
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Post by Deleted on Dec 6, 2016 9:18:17 GMT -7
I am sorry you are under so much stress. Try spending more time with our Lord. Even if it is just tuning the radio into a Christian station. It helps.
It will take time for your husband to change. It is not an instant thing. Keep encouraging him and when he steps up, be sure to tell him how much you respect him for doing so.
Something else to maybe consider, if you aren't already doing so, is praying together as a couple and reading the Bible together. Encourage him to take the lead in this. Men today have no idea how to lead because we as a society have dropped the ball in teaching them and have stifled them because of the "feminist" movement. Oy...that is a topic in and of itself.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 6, 2016 21:59:16 GMT -7
Hi Amy
You are right. It seems so obvious to draw near to God in these times yet so difficult when there is this core of anger and pain that sits there and I don't even realize it's still there until something triggers it again. I'm really tired of it. My H is enmeshed with his family in odd ways and it's taken a big toll on our marriage. I think now with this revelation it's really brought to light what a mess that relationship is and its amplified its dysfunction. We all have dysfunction in our family but this ones seriously messed up and I'm fed up with it. Just so much heart ache caused by their issues.
Anyhow I'm going to try to come closer to God like you suggest and push through this. I need my family to have a good day for the wedding and this time we are together, thank you for your encouragement. I hope things are going ok for you!
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