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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2016 10:36:45 GMT -7
Darn, I am at work and knee high in alligators but there is so much I want to say to you ... You say no one cares because you are not worth that much, even to God because he has better things to do. That BOLOGNA! I care and what I wouldn't give to be right there beside you and hold your hand and wipe your tears. I do care ... I sit here at my desk in tears at your message, tears because of your pain and tears because I know the pain so well.
You are priceless to God! He is weeping with you. He is not too busy for you ... if one of your children needs a glass of milk or a diaper changed or falls down and just needs to be picked up and held close, are you ever too busy? No! That is our heavenly Father as well. Scripture tells us that he loves us more than we could ever imagine loving our children. Now, I love my children a lot so when I feel a love greater than that, well, we are loved to the moon and back!
Now you listen up, sweet pea, it is not YOUR job to fix your husband. You need to focus on you. You get you well! Really, so he may leave if you do not cater to his every whim. Well, let him leave. God will make a way for you. There is nothing you can do or not do that will make him stop the porn ... that has to be his choice. He has to want to make himself better for him.
Sit down this afternoon with your Bible, a coloring book, read to your children, do a puzzle, anything that will allow you to just sit and be still. This is all about you ... take care of you.
God is right there, I promise, he will not leave you alone just as you would not leave one of your precious babies in a dark room, scared and crying out for you ... you would go sprinting to get to them. He will do the same for you.
Just one more thing ... dying would be so easy, wouldn't it? I have had the same thought, shamefully admitted. Know what? I do not want to miss out on what God has in store for me. I believe with all my heart that there is something beautiful right around the corner. I just have to make it a little longer, just as you do ... just a little bit longer.
I am also so sorry that your mom ever told you that she hated you ... she is broken. You will rise above that. Your Heavenly Father loves you enough for those that don't.
I will check in on you later!
Love and Hugs to you.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2016 18:15:12 GMT -7
ther3se, I am checking in on you. Are you hanging in there? I have been worried about you today. I pray for the words to come that will ease your pain, but as always, I am coming up blank.
I am not an expert, but from where I am sitting, you have no shame in being selfish. You are not being selfish at all. It is normal to want to be noticed, to be loved and cared about, especially by your husband. Nothing self centered there. My whole life I have felt as though I was second pick. I have used that term so many times I should have it copyrighted. It all started in grade school when the kids would pick kids to be on their Dodge Ball team. I always was the last to be picked. High school dances, I was always asked after all the "pretty" girls were chosen. This is awful, but I say that my mom never picked me until she had a stroke and there was no one else to take care of her (but I am over that one. She was broken and her love for me was the best that she could give). We healed and mended. Friends would always ask me to do things when someone else backed out. My husband only had something to do with me if no one else was around. Now, could some of that be in my head? Probably. At class reunions I am always remembered as the "social butterfly" so maybe what I feel is not really how is was. Anyway, I always have felt second pick. I have realized that it is okay. I am first pick to me! I would choose to be with me over others. I look at many of the blessings that God has given me and I believe that I was his first pick many times.
I am going to tell you something that when my therapist first said it to me I wanted to smack her, and then when she kept repeating it, I wanted to smack her even more, but it is so true. We have to love ourselves in order for some of the old pains to go away. When we love us and see us as beautiful women of God we can let go of some of the past hurts that are holding us back. You need to love you. You have had some nasty stuff happen ... a lot of painful stuff, but it is because life is not fair and sometimes people make bad choices that hurt innocent people. It did not happen because you are bad or because you deserve any of it. It did not happen because you are second best or because you do not deserve love. It is not about you, it is about choices made by others. It is hard to love ourselves, I work on it everyday. But it can be done.
My husband and are are "roommates". It has been like that for four years. I didn't know the porn addiction for that long but I knew something. He has his room and I have mine. You do need space and this space may help you heal. Your husband needs to be all about your healing now. Gosh, think about it ... if you are riding on the back of my bicycle with me and I promise to ride carefully so that you do not get hurt and I become reckless and smash us into a tree and hurt you are you going to get on that bike with me again? Probably not. If you really are my friend and I care about you, will I run off and find a new friend to ride with or will I help you heal? Maybe get you some Band-Aids, an Ice- Pack. Heck, I should probably even buy you some ice cream :-) Your husband needs to do whatever it takes to help you through this, just as mine should have.
Sweetheart, you do not HAVE to have sex with him. This is your body you own it. It will take more than you having sex or not having sex to break his porn addiction. I will NOT do that with my husband. I refuse to ever be compared to one of the women that he masturbates to. I know that I am not perfect and I am okay with that. My belly fat does not bother me nor do my stretch marks. The thought makes me uncomfortable. He chose porn as his companion, leaving me alone. The way I see it, he can let his "companion" cook his meals and do his laundry.
That is all that I have ... now I hope that you are taking note that I am all over the place as you claim to be yourself (I never think you are).
Love and Hugs
Grace
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2016 21:59:22 GMT -7
I wish there were some words that I could say that would make you feel better. But I know all to well that words, no matter where they come from, will not fix the overwhelming pain that consumes you. I have wished, prayed, and begged God to fix this problem in my husband. I have felt alone in this battle for so long that I didn't think God cared, or would do anything to change the situation. I wanted to fix the problem on my own. I thought that I should be enough to satisfy him, and that I must be doing something wrong, or not doing something right for his eyes to constantly wander. But that is what Satan wants you to think. Satan relishes in your mistrust, and thrives on your self doubt. I have had many years of experience in self doubt, but now I am fighting this doubt several times every single day. Fact is, God knew you before you were born, and He knows that you are worthy of love. He loved you then, and still loves you now, unconditionally. There is nothing you could ever do that would change how he feels about you.
For 15 years, I have felt that I could not live without my husband. I know that God intended for us to be together, but I never looked beyond to realized that God needed me to be a minister to him. I have read in the bible, and always believed that the man is to be the "head of the household", and that "the wife must submit to him", but that is not always the case. In my case, God has called me to lead my family, at least for now. I don't want to be leader, never have. In fact, I think that is why I didn't confront this issue a long time ago. Looking back, I think that I was to ashamed to stand up for what I believe in. I was always waiting for him to take a step and man up, but after 15 years, I feel like his feet are stuck in cement, and I need to call in a wrecking crew to help pull him out. Now I realize that the wrecking crew is God and his holy spirit. He grew up hearing and seeing lies about love and sexuality, and nothing I could say would ever change that. He seemed to believe that he had a right to do whatever makes him feel good because he works hard, or whatever excuse made the most sense at the time.
The last fight I had with my H was probably the worst one we have ever had. I could not believe that he would hurt me again and again, after all of the times we have talked about it. This time, I insisted to know why. Why would he do this after all of the pain this has caused me. I insisted that either he had a problem, or he didn't love me. He got really mad and said that both of my conclusions were wrong. After pressing him more, he finally answered "Because I wanted to". At that moment, I wanted nothing more that to disappear or cease to exist. A few days later, I asked him to read Every Man's Battle, and he agreed that he would. I have read this book myself, and I found it was a good resource for me to better understand why this temptation was so powerful. It does not make excuses for the behavior, but I felt encouraged that many men have faced this battle and won.
I never had to deal with this issue and pregnancy hormones at the same time, so I cannot imagine your struggle there. It's most likely that your feelings towards your children are not your own. This sounds like the devils handy-work, meddling in your hurt and broken heart. He will try to fool you and trick you into any negative thoughts or feeling that he can. Your children are God's children, no matter how much DNA your husband contributed.
Please continue to reach out to us, and let us know how we can pray for you.
Pslams 46:10 Be still and know that I am God.
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