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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2016 21:52:51 GMT -7
Hi Ther3se. I would normally wait to let one of the wives respond but you sound so down and broken I wanted to at least let you know I am praying for you right now. I have no instant solutions. As an addict in recovery I can tell you not to trust your husband in any way until he is willing to do anything to get free of porn. Put boundaries and consequences in place and get some support from your church and priest. The other wives here are awesome ladies with equally painful and heart breaking stories. They will have some good advice and encouragement. I can say I am in a SAA group of men all with long periods of sobriety and have been encouraged to know there is hope. Each man is in recovery because after they hit bottom they realized they loved their wives. If your husband is willing have him go to a SAA group and check it out. It really does work for men that really want to get well. May the Lord bless you and your family.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2016 7:10:40 GMT -7
Hi ther3se, big hugs coming your way hon along with prayers.
First and foremost you need to focus on you and your children. Leave your husband to his own devices for now at least until you are in a better place emotionally. Do some research on free mental health in your area and go. It is of utmost importance for you and you children. I know it is difficult to put yourself first when you have a family and have abuse in your past. I don't know where you live but in the US 2 places that offer mental health care for free or on a sliding scale and are in many areas are Lutheran Social Services (full care provided) and Catholic Charities (counseling). You need to make the effort and commitment needed to do this for not only yourself but your children. They need their Mommy.
With the admission of your abusive past and the fact that your father and brothers are addicts it doesn't surprise me that you have mental health issues and that your husband has an addictive personality. I have the same background and my ex ended up being addicted to porn and physically abusive. I also have bipolar with PTSD. Counseling has really opened my eyes to certain things about myself, my behavior, and my choices. That knowledge has led me to change my behaviors and make better choices which has made me healthier and stronger. I must add that prayer has been my strongest crutch and weapon. God is always there and will take what you can't handle and will go to battle with you. He just needs you to show up for the fight and trust Him.
Forget about your husband and concentrate on getting you healthier. Let God take on your husband until you are stronger.
I am glad you found us and reached out to us hon. It tells me that you aren't ready to give up just yet and that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You can do this sweetie with God on your team you will succeed.
Prayers and hugs Amy
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2016 8:23:54 GMT -7
Welcome to the "Family", ther3se. It is my prayer that you find hope and comfort here. Never worry that you are doing anything "correctly". There is no right or wrong way to be part of forum and share what is on your heart ~ come here as often as you need to and share what you are comfortable with. Who better to share your darkest secrets with than strangers? We are not going to sit by each other in church, shop at the same store or sit at the same lunch table at work.
I understand everything that you write about ... I have experienced it all. The anger, anxiety attacks, trust issues, feeling dead inside, feeling like trash (as you say, set beside the curb days early in the rain. Now that is some ucky trash!), guilt, emptiness, and wondering "why". Been through it all and still going through it.
I have no words of wisdom that will make it all better in a day but I sure wish that I did. I remember crying out to my girlfriend(s) and pleading with them to say or do something to make the hurt go away. I would cry out to Jesus until I was hoarse, begging him to make the hurt stop. I realized one day that Jesus could not take the pain away until I gave it to him ... I had to let go. Now, do not think for one second that I woke up one day and said "Hey, Jesus, I am giving this pain to you" and all was well. It was not like that at all. It was a slow fade. It was taking minute by minute. It was stopping in the midst of pain so great that I didn't think I could put one foot in front of the other and just saying "Jesus, for five minutes, I am going to be still and praise you". Soon, five minutes turned to ten and then fifteen and so on. I still have very bad times. Times with much anger and sadness. I just now know that during those times, even when I do not believe it Jesus is holding my hand and he loves me. He will never let go. He is the one man that I can trust!
One thing that I can see now, looking back, I discovered the porn and all the stuff and instantly my brain went into overdrive trying to figure it all out. Where was I going to live, how would I tell the kids, what would people think, how would we divide assets, and on and on and on the list would go. You do not have to sort through anything right now. For right now, for TODAY, you just have to tell your heart to beat, you have to breathe, you have to take care of that precious baby that God has trusted you to be mama to and those two precious children that love their Mother so much, and YOU. Take care of YOU. Just for today ... Tomorrow you can get all the other stuff sorted out. And I will make you a promise that won't break ... when tomorrow comes, it will be all worked out. God will already be there and have it under control for you. He loves you and he will not let you endure this a second longer than you can take it.
I will write more later when I get home . Until then, know that you are loved, this too shall pass, and you have found an awesome group that will have enough faith to carry you through when you are running low.
Love and Hugs. Grace
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2016 21:56:18 GMT -7
I pray that you will come back, often! Don't you even worry about writing the same thing over again. Have you read any of my posts? I am sure that I sound like a broken record at times. Sometimes writing it down helps us to see it more clearly - you write all you want.
The way that I see this, and I do not always see things as they really are, but, a good man would want you to put your health and well being and the health of the baby first. He would understand that this time is all about you ... He should be looking at what he can give you. You have your hands full at the moment; he is a big boy, he can take care of himself. Do I sound harsh? I do not intend to.
In 1990 my husband had an affair. I blamed myself. I had been diagnosed with cancer and was very sick. I believed that if I would have not been so sick and paid more attention to him he would not have cheated on me. At the time we had a 5 year old and a newborn baby. He should have been paying attention to me and our children.
In 2003 my husband had another affair. Again I blamed myself. I was so involved in my kids and their needs. I questioned myself over and over and wondered if maybe I had not been so involved in their lives he would not have had an affair. I woke up one day and realized that was nonsense. I am the MOM. It was my job to be there for them. If he would have done his job and been Dad and husband he would not have had the time or the energy for an affair. While I was doing what I was supposed to be doing he was doing what he should not have been doing.
I did not and I do not blame myself for the porn addiction. I blame him. In the beginning I was sorry for him and was willing to move mountains to help him overcome it but after too many lies, I gave up. He has to want to help himself. There comes a time when you realize that you cannot set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
I do not like to give advice, as every situation is different. What is good for one is not good for another. Obviously, it is much more difficult for you to leave the situation than it would be for others. But I would like to tell you that this is not what you deserve. This is not what God intended marriage to be. Your husband needs to seek help. My husband told me that he was not addicted, he would never do it again, it wasn't a problem, yada, yada, yada. I believed it all. I truly did. Everything that I read told me the complete opposite but for whatever reason, I believed that he was different and that he would make things different. The only thing he made different was he got better at hiding it.
We are all here for you ... take what you can use and leave the rest.
Hugs and Prayers Grace
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2016 8:56:52 GMT -7
Thank you all for reading and your kind words. They are a balm to my heart. The more I write, the more I just keep writing what I've already written - so there's really nothing new to contribute. I just want to say thank you, and I will be back to vent, heal, and hopefully find some kind of closure in all of this. You are right though - my first obligation is to our new baby and existing children. I just feel like I should be doing MORE (the story of my life), as I've been pregnant so often in our marriage, and tried to always put the health of the baby first. I know my husband is stressed out and looking for more than I can currently give him - and I'm not sure how that's going to play out. He has really been trying lately, but that's his pattern. Mess up, try really hard, try less hard, gives up, goes back to porn, and around we go again. I'm not sure how to even approach breaking this pattern without outstanding effort on my part - effort I cannot muster right now.Prayers always help, thank you. Thank you all. I'm so very, very grateful. Honey, the part I bolded from your post is what I want you to look at. Have you re-read it? Now let me shine truth on that statement. No matter how much effort you put into breaking his patterns, you can't do it. He is the one that has to break his patterns. He is the one that needs to put in the effort. He is the one that needs to want change and work for it. What can you do? You can get yourself healthy physically and mentally. You can put down boundaries with corresponding consequences to make him realize you will not put up with his behavior and he has a choice to make. You can support and encourage him to make right choices. The rest is up to him and God. Also I agree with gracey. Post and write as much as you want. It helps tremendously to write down what you are thinking and feeling. It doesn't matter if it is repetitive. We all sound like broken records in this journey. Plus you get support, prayer and maybe a fresh perspective from others that care and have been where you are. Hugs and prayers
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2016 11:51:52 GMT -7
Welcome to the forum ther3se! I am so glad you came to this site for support.
You are defiantly not alone. I have been struggling with severe depression and suicidal thoughts for over 4 years. I used to daydreaming about death, but I vowed never to take action on it for one very important reason: The one's that I love would never understand, and they would blame themselves for the rest of their life. I love them to much to ever hurt them like that. I have seen the damage that is left behind after someone takes their own life, and the guilt that their family will forever carry.
My H and I have been married almost 16 years. I spent the first 15 years of marriage trying to do whatever I could to keep him happy. This eventually just made me more miserable knowing that no matter what I do, I could not fulfill his sexual desires, because his desires were born out of lies.
I grew up in a Christian home, and I have been a Christian since I was a young child, but I never really knew what God's love felt like. My father was addicted to porn, and he often neglected me and my siblings because of his addiction. All of my life, I have never felt really loved by any man, so this made it hard for me to trust in God and accept his love. I still struggle with this, but it is getting easier. I have to find strength and comfort in our Heavenly Father. While He doesn't always give us what we want, he will provide us with what we need to get through.
Anytime I have to confront my H, I always pray about it first. And while we are talking, I silently pray over & over: God, please help me to say the right words at the right time.
At this time, I cannot rely on my H to fulfill my needs. He has hurt and deceived me to many times. Over the last year, I have realized that I have to change. Change my attitude, change my heart, and not allow his sin to cause me to sin. I also have to be an advocate for my 2 teenage boys, and do everything I can to stop the generations of sin and addiction.
I have been praying for you, and I will continue to pray for you and your family.
God bless!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2016 21:28:20 GMT -7
Findingmywayback, I totally relate to your comment about finding it hard to trust in God and accept his love. I struggle with the same thing. I equate man to hurt. But I do know that our Father is not just one of the guys! His love for us never fails; it has never failed even when we felt like it has. His love for us is not like earthly man's love for us, his love is eternal, everlasting, and unconditional. Oh my gosh, just let it sink in, he does not just love us when we are at the top of our game. He loves us in our raggedy old sweats, no make-up, grumpy, when we are lost and when we are in the dark. Believe me when I say, there are days that I find myself pretty unlovable; but he still does!
We will never be rejected by our Father. He understands that rejection has left many of us broken. When we have cried in the dark of night and felt all alone, he has wept with us. He weeps at our brokenness, loneliness, and broken hearts.
We will find peace when we allow ourselves to rest in his love, rest in his acceptance, believe only his words and reject the lies that are making us feel less than.
We are loved by a man that we can trust it all to!
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