Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2016 21:46:50 GMT -7
I have really been struggling with life in general since about the first week in October. My son (and his dog) moved out. I always thought that it would be such a happy day when the boy and his dog moved. It was totally the opposite. The walls came crashing down around me. I experienced a loneliness like I had never known. Instead of being the strong and courageous woman that God created me to be, I caved in and went into a very dark place for longer than I care to admit. I quit praying, running, talking to my friends, reading my Bible. I would get up and go to work and close my office door as much as possible and count the minutes until the day ended so I could come home and go back into my bed and pull the blinds and shut off all lights so that I was in the dark.
I did not enter this dark place because my son moved out ... I went into the dark because without him and the dog, I felt as though I had no one. No one cared when I came home at the end of the day, no one cared if I fixed a good supper and there was no one to visit with. From my view in the dark, I was breathing air that someone else needed. I had some very horrible thoughts that I am too ashamed to share.
I am good now ... I am back in the SON and I will find my way. I have been busy painting, organizing, stripping wallpaper, pouring myself into my Bible, I am back!
Somewhere in the midst of my dark time, my husband handed me his phone to see something on FB. Now, please, bear with me here as I am beyond technically challenged, the phone is on the Facebook app, I want to look at some baby pictures that I know someone has posted. In the search bar, I only type in the first two letters of said person's name and oh my gosh, the most disgusting garbage appears. I leave Facebook, shut his phone off and go outside. I am sick! Later that evening I calmly try to talk to him about it. As in how hurtful it is that the day before, the anniversary of my Mother's death, he cannot call me or text me but he can look at garbage on his phone. Sick garbage. He goes nuts. Yelling, screaming, blaming me for it being on his phone. Said that I put it there. He actually tried to tell me that it came up because of the two letters that I typed in. There was no making him understand that when I tried it on my phone, it did not pull up garbage but only my friends with those first two letters. Am I making any sense?
So, I gave up. Done! To me that was an all time low to blame the porn (actually, I think it should be labeled something even worse) on me. This one act sent me over the edge.
Boy did he use this against me. He told everyone that I was unstable because our son had moved out. Everyone thought that I was having a hard time with the "empty nest", when in reality, I was feeling how empty this house is because of his addiction to porn (and possibly OW). There is no laughter or love. It is now just a house. No conversation, no meal time laughter, nothing. Just quiet. Well, I finally broke the silence with my sanding, hammering and painting
I am so empty, not because I am an "empty nester" but because my husband has chosen porn for companionship, not considering that he is leaving me alone.
Here we are at what should be the best days and they are the worst days. I raised great kids, attended all of their school functions, stayed up half the night making sure ball uniforms were clean the next day or baking cupcakes, drove them all over the darn country, etc, and now, it is "our" time but he has found his enjoyment comes from porn and God only knows what else. Makes me sad and it makes me angry!
It is so funny now when I look back, when my mom was very sick before her death, I stayed with her a lot. I always felt so guilty leaving my husband home alone. I felt bad for him to be home by himself . I always was so torn. Looking back, I thank God that I chose to be with my Mom until the end because he was probably loving the time alone to do his stuff. He does not ever worry that he is leaving me alone ... even when he is home, I am alone.
My husband chose a porn addiction over a relationship with his children and myself, I temporarily chose to be in a very dark state of mind because of it. To enter a dark world was my choice. I have since made the choice to exit the dark and enter the sunshine again. I look at the time that I have wasted of MY life due to his addiction ... that is my fault, not his. I choose what to do with my days just as he chooses to view porn and masturbate.
I am choosing life! Life in the sunshine knowing that I am loved by my savior. Believing every day that God will one day make this right. I am choosing to let God begin the healing of my heart. I am choosing love!
That is all I have for now (thankfully, huh!)
Love and Mercy to all.
Grace
I did not enter this dark place because my son moved out ... I went into the dark because without him and the dog, I felt as though I had no one. No one cared when I came home at the end of the day, no one cared if I fixed a good supper and there was no one to visit with. From my view in the dark, I was breathing air that someone else needed. I had some very horrible thoughts that I am too ashamed to share.
I am good now ... I am back in the SON and I will find my way. I have been busy painting, organizing, stripping wallpaper, pouring myself into my Bible, I am back!
Somewhere in the midst of my dark time, my husband handed me his phone to see something on FB. Now, please, bear with me here as I am beyond technically challenged, the phone is on the Facebook app, I want to look at some baby pictures that I know someone has posted. In the search bar, I only type in the first two letters of said person's name and oh my gosh, the most disgusting garbage appears. I leave Facebook, shut his phone off and go outside. I am sick! Later that evening I calmly try to talk to him about it. As in how hurtful it is that the day before, the anniversary of my Mother's death, he cannot call me or text me but he can look at garbage on his phone. Sick garbage. He goes nuts. Yelling, screaming, blaming me for it being on his phone. Said that I put it there. He actually tried to tell me that it came up because of the two letters that I typed in. There was no making him understand that when I tried it on my phone, it did not pull up garbage but only my friends with those first two letters. Am I making any sense?
So, I gave up. Done! To me that was an all time low to blame the porn (actually, I think it should be labeled something even worse) on me. This one act sent me over the edge.
Boy did he use this against me. He told everyone that I was unstable because our son had moved out. Everyone thought that I was having a hard time with the "empty nest", when in reality, I was feeling how empty this house is because of his addiction to porn (and possibly OW). There is no laughter or love. It is now just a house. No conversation, no meal time laughter, nothing. Just quiet. Well, I finally broke the silence with my sanding, hammering and painting
I am so empty, not because I am an "empty nester" but because my husband has chosen porn for companionship, not considering that he is leaving me alone.
Here we are at what should be the best days and they are the worst days. I raised great kids, attended all of their school functions, stayed up half the night making sure ball uniforms were clean the next day or baking cupcakes, drove them all over the darn country, etc, and now, it is "our" time but he has found his enjoyment comes from porn and God only knows what else. Makes me sad and it makes me angry!
It is so funny now when I look back, when my mom was very sick before her death, I stayed with her a lot. I always felt so guilty leaving my husband home alone. I felt bad for him to be home by himself . I always was so torn. Looking back, I thank God that I chose to be with my Mom until the end because he was probably loving the time alone to do his stuff. He does not ever worry that he is leaving me alone ... even when he is home, I am alone.
My husband chose a porn addiction over a relationship with his children and myself, I temporarily chose to be in a very dark state of mind because of it. To enter a dark world was my choice. I have since made the choice to exit the dark and enter the sunshine again. I look at the time that I have wasted of MY life due to his addiction ... that is my fault, not his. I choose what to do with my days just as he chooses to view porn and masturbate.
I am choosing life! Life in the sunshine knowing that I am loved by my savior. Believing every day that God will one day make this right. I am choosing to let God begin the healing of my heart. I am choosing love!
That is all I have for now (thankfully, huh!)
Love and Mercy to all.
Grace