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Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2016 14:40:08 GMT -7
As the wife of an addict, I deal with a lot of anger. And when he has a slip or relapse, I get rageful. I throw every past mistake (even ones having nothing to do with porn) in his face. I could beat him to a pulp. I don't. I don't get physically violent, but I am so enraged.
I caught my husband looking at porn-type Twitter accounts the other night. He confessed that he'd been doing it for the past month or so. I have reason to believe him, but trust is an issue between us, obviously, so I'm not sure how long it's been going on for sure. But he's agreeing to go to SA, has joined the Nofap web movement and is willing to have passwords in place for the computer, etc. He doesn't even have an iPhone. We have boundaries that were lax, but are being reinstated.
Any tips on dealing with the rage? I'm furious. Honestly I can barely look at him. I'm so disgusted.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2016 9:58:49 GMT -7
Anger is normal. It's how we deal with it that makes a difference. I have found through the years dealing with my own anger issues that when you get to the bottom of your anger and actually deal with the root hurt that the way we deal with our anger changes or it even disappears.
Have you thought about individual counseling for yourself? Counseling has helped me so much. A good counselor will help you get to the root causes and deal with those causes. You can always try journaling. Exercise and what I call "rage cleaning" work well. Your main go to though needs to be prayer. Take your anger to Christ. He understands it and will help you. I can't count the times that I have screamed and yelled at Him. I was so angry even at Him. He took it and loved me into a better frame of mind.
Your husband needs daily accountability that isn't his wife. He needs male accountability so I am glad he is going to go to SA. Make that one if your boundaries if you haven't already. Be aware that SA isn't Christian based and he may come home with views that aren't biblical because the men in SA come from all different religious backgrounds. Be patient and question any unbilical views he mentions but do it respectfully and don't push the issue.
Also look into an accountability software that can be used on your electronics. There are some good ones out there like Covenant Eyes or XXXChurch has a good one that is free although it doesn't work on some systems. Use passwords and pins that he cannot guess.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2016 21:13:38 GMT -7
Oh, sister, I understand the anger. I have gotten so angry before that I scared even myself. About a year and a half ago, before I knew it was a porn addiction, I got so angry with my husband. Angrier than I had ever been in my life. I honestly wanted to start punching him in the face and not quit until the next week. The very next day, I called a therapists and told her that I needed an appointment immediately. I am still going.
I cannot tell you that I do not still get angry with him, because I do. But now, I walk away and go to a quiet place and pray. I often times remind myself that God knows what my husband is doing, and although he thinks he is hiding it from me, he cannot hide it from God. I find peace in handing it to God.
Now, please, do not read the above and think that I am handling this any better than you, because I am not. I couldn't take the anger every single day anymore. Now I am just angry every other day :-)
I keep a prayer journal ... that helps a lot. I do keep it in a safe place and my best friend has instructions to burn it if anything were to happen to me so my children would never find it. In this journal I tell God how I am feeling and why ... sometimes just writing it down takes it off my heart.
Oh, and there is Twizzlers! I eat a lot of Twizzlers! The pull apart kind. It is amazing how comforting it is to twist and tear on Twizzlers while picturing someone's head in your hands ( I am just kidding - well, really I am not, but I do not want to get into trouble).
I wish I had some answers for you but I do not. I am dealing with the anger. Horrible anger. There are times where he can just walk in the house and I am so angry. I want to shake the living daylights out of him. My heart is so broken and he could care less. It is his world and I am just taking up space. That truly is his attitude.
I do want to tell you, I just went through a horrible darkness. The thoughts in my head were not my own. I could not find the energy to walk let alone talk. I had never been in such a horrible place. And I am here to tell you,it kicked my butt! I thought I was doing better and WHAM! I do not want that for you, or any other wife. Come here as often as you need to, talk about whatever is on your heart, and never be afraid to share.
I have not been around as much as I used to, but I will be back more often now. I am here for you, sister!
Prayers and Hugs Grace
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2016 7:14:24 GMT -7
LOL Gracey at the Twizzlers! Another good one would be gummy bears...biting the heads off would be very satisfying. I love gummy bears!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2016 12:58:43 GMT -7
I don't have any great answers as I too am going to counselling and Celebrate Recovery to try to see if there is help to deal with my anger. Boy talk about rage.....I dont, have not ever, as a rule really sworn. I was not raised as a Christian but was born again as a younger adult. Somehow though there is this lunatic that lives in me that I've never met before. Sometimes I think after two years of hardcore gas lighting and then finding out my H was a porn addict our whole 35 year marriage I just snapped. Rage......swearing, yelling, throwing things (no knives....sometimes fruit.....) oh brother guilt shame completely unbelievable who am I? Sinful behaviour in dealing with my anger..... However as I've worked through to the core of what each episode was triggered by with either my H ....who I thank God for is forgiving and patient....it's actually getting better. God is the key of course but when you go off line so to speak you can't see that in the moment. We were really encouraged and try to use some of the work by Marnie Breeker where she talks about dealing with betrayal trauma and PTSD. It totally described our situation. I've also been thinking about how God would become so angry with his children when they broke their covenant with him....over and over they betrayed him and lusted after another and I read how God was angered. Of course he never left them, always remembered his promises to them and provided grace and mercy but his anger was a natural reaction to a betrayal just like ours is. So I'm not so hard on myself for my anger, I just need to ask God to help me deal with it approprialy like Amy and Grace have said. I'm so grateful you shared about your rage, so,sorry you experience it...it's awful. I have not been able to share with anyone either so your post gave me that opportunity it's good to talk it out too. I hope it's helpful for you? I pray you will work through this and that your H will overcome the enemies grip!
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