hello.. new here

Hey, Lori, checking in on you to let you know that you have been on my heart. Sincerely, I am sorry for what you are going through.

As you may have read in some of my postings, I am in a "snit", as my Gramma used to say. I think I have just reached the point where I have truly had enough. I feel like I am at a wall and I do not have the energy to climb over it.

Like you, I feel like God is not answering my pleas for help. I have cried out to him over and over to help me find a way to move out and I feel like he is not listening or answering. I am feeling very alone and isolated. In my heart I do know, Lori, that God is listening and God is making a way. He will make this right. I believe that for me and I believe it for you; it does get very hard to hang on to when all around us we are hearing the lies the enemy is telling us.

It is very hurtful to be laughed at and made fun of. My husband is very good at doing that to me. My husband is an award winning head shaker and eye roller, too. His way of communicating is to roll his eyes or shake his head when I say something. I told him over the weekend that if you ignore someone long enough, they will finally go away. His response was "cute, did you see that on a bumper sticker?" There is no getting through his concrete heart. It is like he is so consumed with himself that he cannot see anyone or anything else.

I am just going to toss this out there, it may not be the same situation with your husband but it is something for you to think about. I have always believed that my husband was Mr. Popular. Everyone liked him and thought he was hot stuff. Since February, when I discovered, I have really began to listen with my eyes and I am seeing that is not the truth as I believed it to be. I have had several people tell me that they did not know how I put up with his arrogant attitude. One of my best friends in the world, after discovering that we were going through something, told me that she never did care for him and thought he treated me horrible. My own brother recently told me that he never did care for him, he just put up with him for me. I have watched and listened and I notice that most of the people that are around him are "my people". I believe that he treats others poorly, too, I just never noticed it. Is it possible that the people that you think are crazy about him are really crazy about you, and just putting up with him?

I feel as though my life has changed drastically because of his addiction and I carry the shame while he goes on his merry way, as if all is well in his world.

Lori, I know the hurt that you are feeling, I know everything that you wrote about, I have felt it and I have lived it. We were married 34 years this summer. I was so sad that day ... definitely not a day of celebration ... more like a day of mourning. Like you, I cannot stand the sight of my husband and the thought of him touching me is sickening to me.

It feels to me when I am in my "snit" that God likes him better (now, that sounds childish, doesn't it?) There has been no consequences for him but tons for me. I question why God is letting him continue down this path and not stopping him ... It is in these very low times that I have to stop the enemy in his tracks and turn a deaf ear to his lies. God is still God! He is still on the throne hearing and answering prayer. He is going to act on my behalf and your behalf , not one minute too soon nor one minute too late. He is not trying to hurt me and he is not trying to hurt you. He loves us so much and he cares about us. Even though we are down and hurting, he is not far off. In his time he will take quick action and do what must be done ~ on time! We have to do what may be the hardest thing we have ever had to do and that is , quietly wait on the Lord to bring us out to a safe place. Until then, he is right there with us in the darkest hour. I say this to you, knowing how difficult it is to believe when everything around us is zapping the joy right out of our bodies. But, I do believe it!

Please, come here as often as you need to, say what you need to say, and find some peace in knowing that we all are feeling the same ~ that in itself makes us not alone! While it may hurt like crazy right now and we see no joy, we all have each other to lean on, to talk to, to encourage and to support. That in itself is a blessing.

"All of us together can build a shelter to weather the storm"

Prayers and Hugs!

Grace

Thank you for the support. I have not been able to see my chosen counselor for a few months due to finances.. which is what led me to find something else and I found this site and then the forums.

We are non denominational church and it is small (100 members or so). I have acquaintenances.. but I know that making real friends who I could share this pain with is impossible.. it would make its way back to my FIL/Pastor that I'm "talking" and that would be a horrific situation for me since they do not seem to view his issues as serious as I do, nor does his brother. His family members who know about it come across to me as if they they I need to be the one to fix this.. and I can't. He has to work on himself.

I have tried to make friends and get "out there" but it's very difficult when discussing things and EVERYTHING seems to revolve around sex addiction and now it effects my every day life.

I'd like to feel normal, whole and complete again.

I wish I knew what was the right thing to do.. everyone seems to act like things have settled down and all is right/ok.. no one acknowledges the very real and serious issue this is nor do they comprehend the pain, hurt and abuse from it.. It's mentally and emotionally draining to suffer trauma after trauma for so many years every time some"new" transgression was discovered. Not one person, except the counselor, has acknowledged the damage done to me, or the very real effects from it.. most everyone else sees only one "victim" in this and that is him.

I feel no love for him whatsoever. I don't even like him anymore. It makes feel like a terrible person to admit that as I know it's now how God feels about my husband, but I can't change my view of him and I have to admit that to myself and stop letting it hurt me. I'm not very kind to him because of it and that is not right either. I don't like the person I am when I'm around him. I don't like the person I've become since being married to him.

It's so sad.. God invented marriage and man has destroyed it with his weakness, pride and arrogance. I know that it is better for me to seek my value and affirmation from God.. but is it so wrong to want to experience love here on earth as well??? I have a lot of emotional baggage now.. plus 6 kids, one of which is special needs.. is there even a remote possibility that I can have a relationship, or even a second marriage, that is truly a blessing? and not a cross to bear?

I have to find a way to lay down this cross and move on.. I really want, and need, for God to provide that way because right now I feel very trapped and alone.

Hi, Lori, knowing the "right" thing to do is so hard in all of this ... I go back and forth daily with this. I find my best days are when I wake up in the morning and loudly announce that I do not have to worry about any of it today ... just for today I am going to focus on the tasks at hand. I am going to go to work and be the best I can be, I am going to walk with my friends, fix supper, do some laundry, read my Bible, and be calm; just for today. Tomorrow I will worry about the decisions that I need to make.

You have a lot to focus on with six children. I have two and they are grown, well, my son is a work in progress :-) They tell me that with sons it could take until they are in their 30's.

Lori, nothing that you say is wrong and nothing that you are feeling is exclusive to you. I feel the exact same way. I do not like my husband! I am very ashamed of the way that I treat him. I am so ashamed of the fact that at this point there is nothing that he can do that would please me. Honestly, IF he would take out the trash, he would not do it to suite me.

I do not like the hardness that I am seeing in my heart. I have to really focus to keep from snapping someone's head off and that is as far from my character as doing open heart surgery would be.

Lori, please, trust me when I say, your feelings are mirror images of mine. You and I cannot be the only two wives that feel this way. There are many ... we just do not know them.

I cry when I think of all my shattered dreams, I never imagined that I would grow old alone. I dreamed of the day that the kids would be grown and we would have their student loans paid off and retire. We would sit on the deck, drinking coffee and just be happy, together. Those dreams are shattered. But, they are only shattered in my heart. I am truly minimizing God when I throw in the towel. I am not remembering that God is in the business of miracles. He heals, he mends, he restores. He can take garbage and make a beautiful work of art.

God has a plan, Lori, unfortunately, he does not give us clues or text us his ideas, but as his daughters, we know that it is far beyond anything that we can imagine. He will take all of this garbage in our lives, he will take our broken hearts, and he will bring healing and restoration. There will come a day, Lori, and we will stand with our arms lifted to the heavens saying, "Thank you, Jesus! This was all you". I believe this for me, for you, and for all the men and women that are living shattered lives right now. He loves us too much to leave us broken.

I have to get busy ... But I will check in again and I am going to hold you so close to me in prayer that you may have a hard time breathing today :-)

Love and Hugs

G

Lori, I am so sorry that you are hurting so badly. I do not have any answers as my marriage has gone to hell in a hand basket, but I do believe that he is probably not pretending that everything is okay ... in his mind everything is okay. He is not acknowledging that his behavior is breaking your heart. He is not taking ownership. His dad and other family members think he is still cool so why shouldn't you? He has not attempted to make things right with the Lord or he would be on his knees.

I know this is little comfort but know that while others are falling for his little charade and he is cool to the rest of the world, God knows. He cannot run and he cannot hide from God. God knows his heart and he will have to answer to God.

I will keep you in my prayers ... I am guilty of not checking in on my friends as often as I should. I do think of you often.

Hang in there ... God knows and he will not let you endure one minute more of this than you can handle.

Grace

Have you seen this article loriamc?

www.blazinggrace.org/wife-must-confront-husband/