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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2016 11:24:19 GMT -7
I try so hard to be positive and show only the face of Jesus, but I am struggling so bad. I was humming along so well and thought I really had my act together and WHAM, out of no where, I have hit a brick wall that has knocked me on my butt. I cannot eat, I cannot sleep, I cannot pray, I am so lost in this shattered world that I cannot find my way.
I cannot begin to understand how my husband can continue down this destructive path that is hurting me so badly. It is as if he his heart has been replaced with a cinder block. I have tried so hard to help him, to be supportive, to be understanding, to show compassion but nothing is working. He lies and lies and lies. It hurts me so badly when I realize that he must think I am so stupid that I cannot see through the "stories" that he is telling.
I am so angry with myself ... I couldn't dislike myself any more now if I were the one with the history of cheating and the sex addiction. The things that are coming out of mouth at him, my anger, the hate that I am feeling is making me hate myself. I have a kind heart and a gentle spirit but it goes out the window anytime that he is near me.
Yesterday was a very bad day ... just continuous picking at me. Anytime that I would make reference to something hurtful that he had said to me, he would look me right in the eye and deny that he ever said it. I swear, I feel as if I am going crazy. I second guess everything that I think he said.
I told him that I knew that he was still viewing porn and masturbating and he looked right at me and said "now, why in the hell would I do that"? Really, you tell me why you would do that.
So, he swears that he has not a problem that I am crazy but turns right around and says "nobody is helping me, I do not have any help. You have people to help you". Okay, why would he need help if he doesn't have a problem?
I pleaded with him to sit down and talk ... to listen with his heart and try to understand what his behaviors were doing. He refused on the basis that my solution was to leave and he is not "going to allow that".
Just one more thing that I need to get off my chest ... I am positive that he is seeing someone. I have believed that for well over a year. My therapist claims that there is no way that he is seeing another woman. That he is content with the P/M and does not need a woman in his life. Does anyone have any input on this. I really feel that there is a woman.
I am really struggling ... I do not see how I can win this battle. I do know that I have to find a way to stop the hurtful things that are coming from my mouth at him. Yesterday, I told him that if I were in his shoes and I was in any way responsible for hurting someone, repeatedly, as he had hurt me, I would not be able to live with myself. I told him if I were him, I would drive my car off a cliff. That is not right, and we all know that God is not pleased with me for letting the anger spew from my mouth is such a hurtful way.
So sorry that Miss Pollyanna here is such Debbie Downer. I am trying so hard to stand again but I am asking myself why? Why get back up just to get knocked down again? I do know better, though, and I do know that this too shall pass.
Love and Hugs to all that are hurting.
Grace
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2016 13:22:34 GMT -7
Grace, I thought I was the only one going through the having a hard time praying. I also haven't been sleeping well...although I never have an issue with not eating...I usually binge eat.
You are under so much stress right now that it is understandable that you are having a difficult time praying, sleeping, and eating. God see's this and Christ understands. Just lift up your emotions to God and be still. Let Him minister to your heart.
Now on to your husband. Do you have any proof of him seeing another woman? The reason I ask about proof is because of how he is twisting things and lying to make you doubt yourself. Get proof for yourself. When we as wives have an innate sense that something is not right...that sense is usually right on the money but we doubt ourselves because we don't want it to be true and being lied too assists in the doubt. I don't think proof will help you with confronting your husband however it will help you to know that you are not mental.
I hate seeing you struggling so. I wish I could do more to help. Hang on Hon. I am praying for you.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2016 18:22:08 GMT -7
Hey, Amy, no, it is not just you that is struggling with their prayer life. I have talked to several people that are going through this. Perhaps, it is just in the air. I am blessed, as you are too, in that we know that we have to keep at it. With me the not sleeping is a result of the not praying. I also know that in the pit of loneliness that I am in I am not really alone ... Jesus is right there just waiting for me to take his hand. I am allowing myself to be there.
Be still ... yes, Amy, that is exactly what I need to do. I know that when I am still and just focus on who I am and who I belong to, I do not have this despair, anxiety and anger. Seems so easy, doesn't it? Just be still and know that I am God. I realize that I am letting the enemy sneak in and tell me that I am defeated.
As far as proof I do not have much ... the major thing for me is how he is always going to his office on a Saturday morning to "catch up" on paperwork and be gone for 3-4 hours and then he will out of the blue on a Sunday afternoon say that he is going to the office to catch up on paperwork. It always appears as though he forgot that he told me that on Saturday. He will go to wash his pickup on Saturday morning and then tell me Saturday evening that he is going to wash his pick up. There have been so many things, but those are the major ones. And they don't just happen once in a while, it is every weekend. Oh, went to get sandwich bags one evening, gone 1.5 hours when it should have taken 15 minutes max. I tell him that there are bags in the drawer and he argues. I go to look and there are three boxes. Oh, and harvest has brought a whole new twist. It has rained here for three days and he left this morning at 6:00 to go to the fields. No way. He then sends a text to say that it was too wet and he won't be starting until noon. Where was he for 6 hours? When I asked, he said that he went to his office to do paperwork. Maybe I should be asking why her parents named her "Office" or maybe her name is "Paperwork". Poor girl!
I am not so upset about what he is doing, because I really do not care at this point. I do care that he has so little respect for me that he can repeatedly insinuate that I am stupid and cannot add 1 + 1. It is so degrading in that I am smart enough to keep the house, the yard, pay the bills, do laundry, shop for groceries and cook but not smart enough to figure out that his stories do not add up.
Maybe I am just tired. Maybe some good sleep and some mashed potatoes and gravy would make it all better. But really, what would make it all better would be if I would go to my knees and ask the Lord to take it all, I cannot carry it anymore, and after asking, leave it with him and not allow myself to take it back.
One thing that I keep going back to ... I help families all day long, five days a week, six or seven days if needed, I can move mountains for my clients, but I cannot help my husband. There is nothing that I can do for him. I have to accept that it is what it is and that is so hard for me as I never take no for an answer. Put a barricade in my way and I will jump over it or crawl under it but this barricade called sex addiction is too big for me. I cannot move it from my marriage or from my husband's heart. The only choice he is leaving me is to walk around it and keep walking as it is destroying me, too.
Thank you, Amy, for being there for me. You do not realize what a comfort you are to a hurting heart. I will keep you in my prayers (honest, I am going to my knees as soon as I sign my name, even if it is only to kneel and be still).
Thanks, again, Amy!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2016 5:33:39 GMT -7
Hi Amy and Grace,
I am so sorry Grace for all that you are going through and I can relate to what both of you are dealing with: prayerlessness, poor sleep and binging on food. I don't want to minimize any of your pain but have some thoughts about this season we live in. My main gift is intercession and would say I am a prayer warrior. I hardly pray these days and the heavens feel like brass. I have talked about this with my pastor and other leaders and many of us feel we are in a season that feels like a drought when it comes to Gods presence and yet there is still a hunger for God. I believe that hunger is God given and when we can't feel His presence we resort to idols. We all have idols some more obvious than others. Look at Israel in the Old Testament constantly returning to idolatry after God had brought them back. For addicts our idols are very obvious and very dangerous as worshiping them leads to terrible consequences . I think God is withdrawing his presence in these times as it mentions in 2 Thessalonians so that what lives in all our hearts is revealed which can be pretty scary especially in addicts like your husband. I am amazed that God still loves me as I see what lives in my heart but I have no doubt that He does. I don' know if this helps you at all Grace but God sees everything your husband is doing and seems to be turning him over to his sin. He disciplines every son because he loves them . I pray your husband will come to that place where he is devastated by his sin and yet amazed at how much God loves him in Christ. He is the only person that can satisfy that hunger.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2016 5:51:46 GMT -7
Brave you raise a very good observation. We all go through seasons of drought and plenty in our spiritual walk. What is interesting to me is that we seem to be experiencing a drought at the same time. I know that the world is quickly winding down and am wondering if this has something to do with it. Studying prophecy and seeing things aligning to bring those prophecies to pass is really making me aware of how little time we have left to do God's will here on earth.
You are right that God loves Gracey's husband and I pray that he hits rock bottom and comes to understand that love. Discipline brings with it consequences and when we are deep into our sins those consequences are usually steep.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2016 20:05:40 GMT -7
Thanks, Amy and Brave. I have really hit a wall. Brave, you hit the nail on the head when you talked of the drought when it comes to the presence of God. That is exactly how I feel. I wish for him to pull my hair or pinch my skin to remind me that he is still with me. I just cannot feel him near. I am searching and searching, when he is probably standing back grinning, arms crossed, saying "you silly girl, quit looking. I am right here."
I also came to realize today that I am not hearing him because I am shouting, I am screaming, I am full of words of anger and unkindness. If I would just be still ... Just be still, Grace.
I read this today and thought it worthy of sharing:
Because we look for the bonfire,
We miss the candle.
Because we listen for the shout,
We miss the whisper.
But it is in the burnished candles
that God comes, and through whispered
promises he speaks:
"When you doubt, look around; I am
closer than you think."
I am just in a turbulent storm of doubt right now, for today, the enemy is too big, the hurt is too great, the future too uncertain, and the answers are too few.
But I know, deep down inside, I know, that this too shall pass and that God will not leave me.
Hugs and prayers.
G
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2016 20:04:34 GMT -7
Gracey, you are not alone in this. Brave, Amy, you and I are all experiencing this struggle as I have found it hard to pray of late. We all know God is with us, but the cares of this world are so, SO heavy. We lay our burdens down only to find a fresh onslaught of evil around every corner. It is relentless and brutal.
When my ex dropped our daughter off tonight, she cried and didn't want him to go. This hasn't happened in a long time, and it ripped my heart wide open again. I wept openly in front of him, and he just stood there, emotionless and detached as ever. I had been doing so well for so long, but the consequences of his actions will continually hurt us indefinitely unless he has a true heart change toward God. This is the HARDEST aspect of dealing with this, the inability to control what others do to hurt us. When these desperate moments happen, I pray, but lately I don't feel the close presence of God like I have before. It is a tangible difference, and I believe it is as Amy said. Things are winding down, and Jesus is coming soon.
How could God be pleased with this world as it is now? This place is so evil, so filled with corruption, hatred, violence, perversion and faithlessness. I know He loves us, and he will never leave us or forsake us, but satan is ramping up his attacks too because he knows the time is short. We are at war, with our flesh, with satan, with the world...but we must remember it is a SPIRITUAL war that can only be fought with prayer. If we stop praying, we are defeated. Period.
Even if we don't feel like it, even when we think it is hopeless, especially when we are angry, hurt, weak, disgusted, ambivalent, indignant and exhausted, WE MUST PRAY. It is our only lifeline to God, and His Word is a lifeline to us. If either of those ties are severed, we can never be victorious over our present circumstances. For we who are at the mercy of our spouses and their choices, remember that we can make the choice to pray, to trust God, and rest on His promises. God WILL give us the faith to get through any circumstance, but it may not turn out the way we want. Whatever the case, we have to accept and do the best we can.
I felt defeated when I started this post, but reading the struggles you all have shared lets me know that I am not alone. WE are not alone. God is with us.
Love you all,
Broken
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2016 7:15:54 GMT -7
Gracey, you are not alone in this. Brave, Amy, you and I are all experiencing this struggle as I have found it hard to pray of late. We all know God is with us, but the cares of this world are so, SO heavy. We lay our burdens down only to find a fresh onslaught of evil around every corner. It is relentless and brutal. When my ex dropped our daughter off tonight, she cried and didn't want him to go. This hasn't happened in a long time, and it ripped my heart wide open again. I wept openly in front of him, and he just stood there, emotionless and detached as ever. I had been doing so well for so long, but the consequences of his actions will continually hurt us indefinitely unless he has a true heart change toward God. This is the HARDEST aspect of dealing with this, the inability to control what others do to hurt us. When these desperate moments happen, I pray, but lately I don't feel the close presence of God like I have before. It is a tangible difference, and I believe it is as Amy said. Things are winding down, and Jesus is coming soon. How could God be pleased with this world as it is now? This place is so evil, so filled with corruption, hatred, violence, perversion and faithlessness. I know He loves us, and he will never leave us or forsake us, but satan is ramping up his attacks too because he knows the time is short. We are at war, with our flesh, with satan, with the world...but we must remember it is a SPIRITUAL war that can only be fought with prayer. If we stop praying, we are defeated. Period. Even if we don't feel like it, even when we think it is hopeless, especially when we are angry, hurt, weak, disgusted, ambivalent, indignant and exhausted, WE MUST PRAY. It is our only lifeline to God, and His Word is a lifeline to us. If either of those ties are severed, we can never be victorious over our present circumstances. For we who are at the mercy of our spouses and their choices, remember that we can make the choice to pray, to trust God, and rest on His promises. God WILL give us the faith to get through any circumstance, but it may not turn out the way we want. Whatever the case, we have to accept and do the best we can. I felt defeated when I started this post, but reading the struggles you all have shared lets me know that I am not alone. WE are not alone. God is with us. Love you all, Broken Broken! Hugs! You have been gone too long Hon! I am sorry you and your daughter are hurting. It really is sad that this sin affects everyone involved with the sinner on such a personal level. One good thing about being in this ministry is that I have grown to hate this sin so much that I will never go back to it. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2016 11:59:06 GMT -7
i've been in the absence-of-God wilderness for the past year! Since I reconciled with my husband after the latest of years of false recpveries. And everyone tells me that in the darkest season is when they come closest to God..well I'm still waiting! My belief is as strong but my personal relationship with God seems severed , prayer seems impossible, and i feel like the antichrist most of the time while my repentant (if this time is real) husband gets rewarded with a wonderful developing ministry and all these holy spirit experiences. I take some comfort in knowing i'm not alone in my faith experience being hit so hard by this trauma. although of course sorry that we are all feeling this way.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2016 12:49:33 GMT -7
Well ellekay one of the idols we can turn to is a counterfeit spirit. I know and see people so desperate for God they try to make things happen and have experiences that are at best the flesh possibly another spirit. I am not saying that's the case with your hubby but the Bible says in 1 John to test the spirits. The antichrist will deceive many with signs and wonders.
I am sorry that you too are in a dry season but maybe it is God's way of showing us that our faith is real, not just feelings when things are going well. I see little signs every day of God's favour, love and amazing grace despite a lack of a sense of His presence. My pastor is a Godly man with 45 years in ministry that says he is experiencing it too. We are in good company!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2016 2:01:01 GMT -7
i think my husband has definitely been there in the past with fake experiences or at least used spiritual experiences to deceptively convince me of his purity , which makes me very wary about anything charismatic that he mentions, to the point of being very cynical, however, he does appear to have had a very big change in him so maybe he really is experiencing God in a very real way these days, but i think its defiitely an area where he needs to be on guard ..not everything is caused by spiritual attack or blessings.....some stuff just is .....
i remind myself it takes more faith to keep believing in the absense of any feelings or experiences, faith is easy when everything seems God filled, it takes more to keep hanging in there when you cant feel God at all.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2016 11:18:07 GMT -7
Broken, you need to "visit" more often. You always say the right words to stir my heart. Miss you, Sister. Will visit more later as there are so many things that I want to talk about but I am in the middle of a big project at work and time has been scarce. In looking for a file on my computer I came across the following that has always been one of my favorite go to reads when I find myself in darkness. Mother (now Saint) Theresa has always been my favorite woman on earth. I have always admired her kindness, strength , and love, not only for Jesus but for others. It has always been a comfort to me to know that she, time and time again, found herself in the dark and empty for words when it came to prayer. In some twisted way, it has always made me feel a little better about myself ... like maybe I am "normal". Hoping this brings comfort to others.
Love and Hugs to all
Grace
Mother Theresa often found herself in darkness. Take the Feb. 28, 1957 letter she wrote the then-archbishop of Kolkata, Jesuit Archbishop Ferdinand Perier.
"There is so much contradiction in my soul. Such deep longing for God, so deep that it is painful, a suffering continual, and yet not wanted by God, repulsed, empty, no faith, no love no zeal," she wrote. "Souls hold no attraction. Heaven means nothing, to me it looks like an empty place. The thought of it means nothing to me and yet this torturing longing for God."
"Pray for me please that I keep smiling at him in spite of everything."
In another letter, she acknowledged that her smile was "a big cloak which covers a multitude of pains."
the smile was a genuine and heroic attempt to hide her private sufferings, even from God, and prevent others from suffering more.
"You can be joyful even if you're suffering because you are accepting, and you are working and acting with love that gives meaning to the suffering," she said in the courtyard of one of the Missionaries of Charity houses on the periphery of Rome.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2016 6:24:28 GMT -7
I need coffee...
I love Mother Theresa. You can't help but love and respect this precious woman of God. Her heart shone with God's love for others. I fall far short of her example. I was grumbling in my heart this morning because I just got the kitchen cleaned up and my mom and brother decide to make breakfast...there went my clean kitchen. Leave it to our Lord to set me straight on where my heart should be...thankful for my family and the food we have to eat.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2016 18:53:55 GMT -7
Yes Gracey and Amy...Mother Theresa, what a wonderful example of faith in the face of calamity. I daily thank God for food, shelter, a car, a job, my child, health, clothing, running water, cool air, a soft bed, family, friends, church, every little bit of providence he brings. It is all held in place by his mighty, loving hand. It truly is the little things that add up to much. We can't lose sight of this.
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