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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2016 8:22:09 GMT -7
So today I had a conversation with my husband regarding some of his behaviors. He states that I act like the FBI with everyone in the house even the children. He states that I'm always assuming the worse of him and the kids. He lies so much how can I not assume he is doing it now? He always claims that everything is in the past. Then he quotes the Bible to me and says that with love and kindness God draws us, not by accusing and assuming. Am I being overly judgmental? I'm so confused. Is this a time I need to extend more grace and just give it to God? Or is he just trying to blame shift and make me out to be the bad guy. He says I walk around like I am so holy and can't do any wrong. I'm not perfect, never have been. I just want my family to live a holy life and to live for Christ. I don't want to justify my actions if I am the one wrong here. My husband says that he is not always doing something wrong. 11 years of lies and I don't see any change other than he no longer has a smart phone and we don't have Internet at home.
Then he went on to tell me that I need to realize that everyone was not raised with the same standards I was. He said "I'm sorry you haven't experienced much,but that's life and how it is". Should I be more understanding regarding his lies, selfishness and porn use? He was raised by a single mother who had children with several different man. They lived with several of their moms boyfriends as children. He was exposed to porn at a young age. He had no guidance growing up and both his parents were bad examples when they were around. 11 years into marriage and having know. Christ for 12 is it too much for me to expect him to know better? Am I asking too much wanting him to lead our family so that I don't have to do it all? Am I being selfish and simply seeking my own happiness when I say I'm miserable in my marriage and feel like I made the worse mistake of my life?
I live my life in fear. When we are out I'm stressed due to all the half dressed women we see. I just know he's looking. I fear that when he spends an hour in the bathroom he his self-gratifying. I fear that he will never desire me again and I will forever live in a marriage with no intimacy. I fear I will never have that last child I desire because my husband doesn't want to touch me. He's not ambitious, and his procrastination is horrible. I fear that all my dreams are gone. Then I fear I'm being selfish because I keep talking about me, my feelings, my fears, dreams and needs. I fear how my heart will break when I catch him with P again or worse. I feel like I'm in a nightmare that will never end. Just trying to communicate with him makes me feel as if I'm going crazy. Every argument ends with me being the bad guy and "playing victim". Is he playing games or is that how he truly feels. I have no idea. I'm lost and confused. I would give up but I can't because my children need me. I don't know if I am the one who needs to change.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2016 10:45:07 GMT -7
Jay, you have so much going on. I am inclined to believe that you are right on all sides. He is blame shifting and you need to show more grace. The reason you need to show more grace is not for what you think...you need to show grace to yourself hon. What you are feeling and thinking is normal for wives in this situation. You also need to let God work in your family's lives. You canot control everything in their lives. They have to have the freedom to make mistakes so that Christ can step in and teach them. As far as your children go, I do not know their ages but there comes a time when you have to give them more freedom so they can learn to be adults. Your husband needs to regain your trust by showing you he has changed. Actions and deeds speak volumes. Throwing bible verses at you isn't working and maybe you should inform him of this.
Are you in counseling? Counseling would help greatly. The therapist would help you work out what you are feeling and thinking.
I am praying for you.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2016 15:27:27 GMT -7
Jay, you have so much going on. I am inclined to believe that you are right on all sides. He is blame shifting and you need to show more grace. The reason you need to show more grace is not for what you think...you need to show grace to yourself hon. What you are feeling and thinking is normal for wives in this situation. You also need to let God work in your family's lives. You canot control everything in their lives. They have to have the freedom to make mistakes so that Christ can step in and teach them. As far as your children go, I do not know their ages but there comes a time when you have to give them more freedom so they can learn to be adults. Your husband needs to regain your trust by showing you he has changed. Actions and deeds speak volumes. Throwing bible verses at you isn't working and maybe you should inform him of this. Are you in counseling? Counseling would help greatly. The therapist would help you work out what you are feeling and thinking. I am praying for you. Thank you for replying. I was just thinking about this today. I do try to control everything. I'm just fearful of what may happen if I don't. I fear my children will run wild and away from God. I have a son who is special needs and I run myself crazy trying to fix him. The truth is I can't. I try to control everything in hopes that my life won't fall apart. My husband has a new phone now and I blocked the internet. We don't have home internet. I'm just trying to control things to keep him away from pornography. It makes no sense because if he doesn't have a heart to change all of that is pointless. We were in counseling but had to stop. We did not have anyone to keep the children. I would really like to go back. I'm praying that somehow I can start again. I'm not sure if it's God and I'm just afraid to let go or if it's me. Part of me just feels that my husband will never change. I fear my only options are to stay and live in misery or leave. I'm so afraid to just let go of all my worries and to stop trying to fix it all. My way is not working, I guess I have no choice. I'm not sure I even know how to lay it all down at the cross. I'm not sure what that looks like for me. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2016 20:27:13 GMT -7
Hi, Jaynar. I read your message and cried. So many of the words that you write are straight from my heart. It truly is a nightmare and it does feel that it will never end but it will. I have the same fears that you expressed in your message and I too feel as though I made the biggest mistake of my life.
WE did not make the mistake ... our husbands made the mistake. We fell in love with someone that we believed was going to love, honor and cherish us. We had no way of knowing the we would one day take a back seat to pornography. It is their God given duty to protect us from the attacks of the enemy ... personally, I would call pornography a huge attack by the enemy.
Every single time I try to have communication with my husband I walk away feeling like I need to admit myself to a psych ward. I am being very serious. He can take every thing that I say and twist and turn it to make me the one with the problem. Trust me, you are not crazy. Seriously, what are the odds that we are both crazy? Pretty slim ! I have decided that the next time I feel an inclination to communicate with my husband, I will go outside and find a pretty rock and talk to it ... it will have better listening skills and be much more compassionate than he is, and I will not walk away thinking I need to be heavily medicated because I am crazy.
You ask if you need to extend favor ... Favor is kindness that we don't deserve. There is nothing we have done, nor can ever do to earn this favor. It is a gift. I feel that by washing my husband's clothes, fixing his supper, mowing the yard, cleaning the house, paying the bills, and keeping food in the cupboards is about all the Grace that he will see from me until he makes the choice to be truthful and show some remorse for the choices that he is making.
My husband has made many comments to me such as "it is just porn", "you need to just get over it", "you are the one with the problem", and my favorite, "everyone does it, but you". Well, I am not going to accept it, I am not going to get over it, and maybe everyone does do it, but that does not make it right. I will stand my ground on this until the end.
Oh my goodness, to read that you would give up if it weren't for your children ... so many times I have told my girlfriends that I want to just give up, but I do not know how. I have never given up on anything in my life. But there are days where I wonder if this is just my lot in life, did I just make a bad draw, am I a bad seed and this is what I deserve, is this how it will always be ... but I know the answer to that ... there is no truth to any of those thoughts. Those thoughts are straight from the enemy to throw me off course. No, God is in control and this is not what he created me for, just as this is not what he created you for.
As far as you playing FBI with the kids, is that really a fault, or is he making you feel that it is? I raised two great kids, they got into their share of mischief (some I am just now hearing about and could have gone to my grave without knowing), there were boundaries and there were rules. They had to be accountable. They were allowed to make a lot of choices on their own but knew that there were always consequences. That being said, I wanted to know where they were and who they were with and when they would be home. Did I play FBI? I think I was just Mom.
I am going to say something Jaynar that you may not like, but it is so the truth, we can raise our kids as Christians, we can read all the Bible stories to them and take them to church but whether or not they continue on that road as they become young adults is their decision, and more often than not, a lot of these young people feel a need to run a little wild, and stray from the Lord. That is okay, they will find their way back and the Lord will take them back with open arms. Don't beat yourself up over something that you may have no control over one day. Love them, pray for them, hold them close, and bake them chocolate chip cookies and find peace in knowing that you were the best mom in the world!
I truly feel your pain in not believing that your husband will ever change. Mine is putting more effort into lying and covering up than he is into seeking help and overcoming. I get so overwhelmed at times that I cannot breathe and it is in those times that I just go to me knees and give it to God. He knows what my husband is doing and he does not like it. I make sure that I keep my words and my actions pleasing to the Lord (I fail often) as I will be judged too.
Stay or leave? Give it to God ... he will take care of it. It is hard, I know that first hand. But I also know that it is harder to handle alone. I tell myself that if I just give it to him and it gets all messed up than I won't have myself to blame :-)
Hang in there Jaynar ... God never promised that there wouldn't be hard times but he did promise that we would never go them alone. Hold onto that promise. Love yourself and know that God loves you and this life of misery is not one that he chose for you. He will not let it last forever. Joy comes in the morning!
Love and Hugs - Grace
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Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2016 6:54:32 GMT -7
Thank you Grace. I'm so glad that I am not alone. I always feel that I'm just being a mom. I love my kids and want what's best for them. He makes me feel guilty for that. He excuses sin, theirs and his own.
I need to do something. Yesterday I felt so bad I stuffed myself with junk food all day. Food and shopping are usually my go to stress relief. Neither one is helping. I can't stand the weight I have put on. Yet, every time he upsets me I find myself grabbing the next pop or box of donuts. I can't believe this is me. I use to be so motivated and just a different person than what I have become.
Wow,it is as if you can read my mind. I of tern feel like I'm a bad seed and this is just my lot in life. I'm praying that God will give me strength and heal my heart.
For the last few days I have not done anything around the house. I really had a bad attitude feeling that if he doesn't care about or family neither will I. I need to pull myself out of this. Thanks for hearing me.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2016 7:05:22 GMT -7
Thank you Grace. I'm so glad that I am not alone. I always feel that I'm just being a mom. I love my kids and want what's best for them. He makes me feel guilty for that. He excuses sin, theirs and his own.
I need to do something. Yesterday I felt so bad I stuffed myself with junk food all day. Food and shopping are usually my go to stress relief. Neither one is helping. I can't stand the weight I have put on. Yet, every time he upsets me I find myself grabbing the next pop or box of donuts. I can't believe this is me. I use to be so motivated and just a different person than what I have become.
Wow,it is as if you can read my mind. I of tern feel like I'm a bad seed and this is just my lot in life. I'm praying that God will give me strength and heal my heart.
For the last few days I have not done anything around the house. I really had a bad attitude feeling that if he doesn't care about or family neither will I. I need to pull myself out of this. Thanks for hearing me.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2016 19:38:28 GMT -7
Hey, jay, you are welcome ... I wish I could sit on a park bench and visit with you for hours (with donuts and soda)so that you could leave knowing that you are not alone. I remember in the beginning that was the hardest for me. There was no one that I could talk to and I really did believe that I was the only wife in the world going through this. I couldn't wrap my head around the concept that there are many wives going through this, and they too, probably feel that they are alone.
I could be wrong, but in my mind, at work when someone would say "hey, Grace, you look like hell, what's up?", I would be able to tell them that my husband had a girlfriend but to tell someone that my husband has left our marriage for porn ... well, I just can't bring myself to say that. I recall one time being at my doctor's office for a check up and he commented on my weight loss and that I looked extremely worn out. I could not come up with an excuse fast enough so I told him that I had been really stressed because of the death of my Mother. I was shocked when he remembered that my mom had died years previously. Busted!
To quote you "I can't believe this is me". Oh my gosh, I have looked in the mirror and said that so many times. Or always I say "I can't believe this is my life".
Don't beat yourself up over putting on weight ... when you find you again, and you will, you will also find the motivation to get it off. For today it does not have to be something that you stress over. It is hard, to say the least, to feel good about ourselves when our husbands have nothing to do with us. My husband would rather touch a rattle snake than me. For now, that works best for me as I am so repulsed by him that I would rather be touched by a rattle snake! I went the opposite way with food ... I just stopped eating. To this day, I force myself to eat, unless it is ice cream. Not eating is just as bad as eating everything.
jaynar, God will give you strength, and wisdom, and peace and grace, and mercy ... Every morning when you wake up there is a brand new supply and he is just waiting for you to ask for it. I find myself getting into trouble because I do not ask. I think my way is better and faster. Generally, I find myself at the boiling over point before I remember to call on God for help.
I also have been right there with you and given up around the house and the yard. That lasted about as long as it took me to realize that he didn't care. I gave up a lot of things that I loved in the beginning thinking that I was hurting him, when the only person hurting was me. Now, I am trying so hard to climb over him, like he is a retaining wall, and get back to what I love and what brings me joy.
This journey has brought out a side of me that I would have never believed existed. My faith has wavered, I have questioned and doubted God like never before, I have no faith in marriage at all, and I have used words that word surely cause my Mother to have a stroke if she were still alive. Oh but what a wonderful Father we have, that after the doubtstorms, after the questioning, after the lack of faith, and even after the language that would cause a sailor to blush, we are forgiven and he welcomes us right back into his loving arms. He is always right there to wipe the tears away and give us whatever we need to get up tomorrow and start all over ... and get up tomorrow and start over we do, and maybe with enough tomorrows of getting up and believing, the pain will become a little more less and a little more less until one day we start to notice that there is more joy than pain and more laughter than tears. Until that day comes, we just have to lean into Jesus and each other. Praying for and supporting our sisters is one of God's great gifts in this journey ... Count on me for anything. You are not alone!
I do hear you sister, and I feel your heart, and I sincerely am sorry!
Keep Believing!
Grace
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2016 5:31:31 GMT -7
Jay, I also turn to food and shopping. When all the caca hit the fan in my life with my ex, I put on the weight. Now I have managed to take some off and maintain an extra 10 pounds. I am hoping that once my back is better I will be able to get back to exercising and lose those extra 10 pounds.
Don't be so hard on yourself Hon. You are coping withe so much right now. Just try to remind yourself that God loves you and thinks you are the most beautiful woman in the world. His heart hurts for your heart. He yearns for you in a way no one on this earth can. Go to Him Hon. Rest in His love.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2016 19:50:10 GMT -7
Jaynar, are you doing okay? You have been in my thought and prayers. I sure do wish there were something that I could do for you to lessen your pain.
I know firsthand that feeling of hopelessness, you against the world, dreading another tomorrow of the same pain, and a faith tank that is running on low, but please believe that God will take what the enemy has meant for evil in your life and he will turn it around for good ... he is working behind the scenes on your behalf. Stay close to him so that you can hear his voice ... you are not alone in this.
Praying for you, sister!
Grace
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