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Aug 14, 2016 11:41:01 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2016 11:41:01 GMT -7
I am new here and so glad to have found this group. I am a stay at home, homeschooling mom of 4. I don't get any chances to connect with any other moms or wives. My only friend on mission in Africa. I don't get to speak with her very often. Other than the kids I'm pretty much alone. I have been dealing with my husband’s porn use for 11 years now. Pretty much from the start of our marriage. It has been a little over a year since I have caught him last. Before he had not used it for about two years. He can stay away for a long time but he always find his way back to it.
Every time he is able to stay away this long is because we don't have Internet at home, and he does not have a smart phone. The moment we get Internet or when he did have a smart phone, right back to porn he went. This last time just put the nail on the coffin for me. It's over a year and I'm still in so much pain. He is not looking at porn but he is still not interested in being intimate with me. This has been the case for years. It's a miracle that we even have children.
Every thing in me wants to leave. Yet, my oldest has been home schooled for so long she would never be able to handle going to public school. Just talking about it makes her cry and upset. I don't want to change the kids life that much. I would have to get a job put them is school and the youngest in daycare.
This is the most difficult thing I have ever been through.
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Aug 14, 2016 12:36:48 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2016 12:36:48 GMT -7
Welcome to BG jaynor. I'm so sorry you have to go through this horrible experience but I can tell you there is hope. There are lots of wise wives here on this forum that can encourage you on your journey. If your hubby truly wants to be set free God makes it possible. I have all my internet filtered with Covenant Eyes and my wife gets all reports. I got rid of my iphone as it was just too much temptation when I was alone. I willingly did this things and after 3 years of struggling I feel I'm finally getting some freedom as the obsessive temptations are weakening and almost gone. May God bless you and grant you wisdom in this battle.
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Aug 14, 2016 18:59:46 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2016 18:59:46 GMT -7
Thank you for the reply. It helps to hear from others who have been through this. It really helps to hear the male voice. It's difficult to believe anything my husband has to say. It helps when I hear what he is describing is common among others with the same issue.
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Aug 14, 2016 19:20:49 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2016 19:20:49 GMT -7
Hi jaynor. Welcome to BG. It sounds like you are in a tough spot. My first suggestion would be reach out to others in your area. Are you going to Church? That would be a great way to get to know other women. I would also suggest getting your children involved with others their age. That might help your oldest with gaining confidence. You and your children sound isolated and that is not good or healthy. Have you looked into counseling for yourself? As far as your husband not being interested in you...that is normal for many addicts. My ex said he had to look at it to get it up for me. He also claimed I wanted sex too often. Many times he had issues with keeping an erection during intercourse. It hurt like no other him saying those things. Trying to blame me for his addiction/sin.
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Aug 14, 2016 20:54:08 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2016 20:54:08 GMT -7
Oh, Jaynar, I wish you lived in my neighborhood and I would take you walking in the country with this wild group of women that I walk with so you could talk this all out - that is one of the things that has kept me half-way sane.
I must say, I already have you marked as one tough lady! Homeschooling 4 children ... WOW! Had I home schooled my 2 children, they would not know how to read or write and I would be in a padded cell !
IF you were to put your children in school, would it be a large city school or a small rural school? I ask this because I worked in a small rural school as a social worker for many years and there were many children that transitioned from new schools, home schools, etc, and did it well. Actually, there were so many times that the parents made themselves sick over it to find that by the end of the day the kids had made more new friends than they could count. I have no experience at all with larger schools, though. Another thing that we often did, home schooled children could take one or two classes at our school. They took a lot of the vocational classes; Ag, Home-Ec, Industrial Arts, Band/Chorus, Spanish, etc. If this were possible at your district, perhaps your daughter could do something like this.
I tell you this about school only to lift your eyes and see this from a different view because I get so overwhelmed with details of things and one of my friends has to lift my eyes. I would be just like you when it came to the children, though. We try so hard to make their worlds perfect! Both of my children are grown, so it is easier for me, but it is still hard.
Oh my goodness gracious, I so get what you say about not believing a word that your husband has to say. I do not like that. My husband has become so bad about telling lies that he will even lie about eating the ice cream.
Like you, I would call this the hardest thing that I have ever been through in my life ... Nothing could have ever made me believe that being married to a porn addict would eat away at my soul like this has.
I wish time would permit me to write more to you tonight but I have been sick and am still not feeling so hot - If I do not get some good rest I fear that I will be a real grump tomorrow.
I do want you to know that you are not alone ... I thought I was the only woman in the world with a husband like mine until I started reading here. I truly did think that there was not another man alive that acted like he did. We are not alone when we ALL hold each other close in prayer, support each other, and lend a shoulder when needed.
Just remember, your situation may look impossible with the kids and home schooling, daycare, and you finding a job, those are some big challenges. We can't deny that the odds look like they are stacked against you ... BUT do not give in to that way of thinking. God has the final say. And he has promised that he will cross over ahead of you and defeat any challenges that stand in your way.
God knows your pain and he will make all things right again, one day! Believe!
I will check in on you soon - Until then, be well.
Grace
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Aug 15, 2016 10:53:59 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2016 10:53:59 GMT -7
Welcome! May I suggest that you suggest to your husband that he read Every Mans Battle? It is an amazing book that explains why men look at porn, but also why they shouldnt. It helped open my husbands eyes to see how it was evil. I pray that you find peace and that your husband will see the error in his ways. He has to care to change.
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Aug 16, 2016 9:16:05 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2016 9:16:05 GMT -7
Thank you all so much! Just the reply and knowing that I am heard brings me to tears. Gracey, I hope you are better soon.
We are pretty isolated. I found a homeschool co-op in my area that starts soon. I'm thinking it will be good for my children, especially my oldest daughter. She is coming into puberty, is aware of her father's issue and very sensitive. They play with our neighbor's son but that is about it. My daughters worry so much. When we are in the store they stand in front of the magazines at the check out saying they don't want daddy to look.
I left my part time teaching job right before I had my last baby. I found out my husband would make the kids go play in their room while I was gone so he can engage in sin. He worked long hours and it broke my heart to know he was not using this time to be with the children. We also left church about a year ago. There is a church I would like to visit but because I have put on so much weight I am ashamed to attend. My husband works every Sunday so it would be just the children and I.
He lies so much that he even lies about falling asleep. We can all watch him sleeping but he will deny it and say he just had his eyes closed. He lied about Buying cookies at the store. He always uses I was just joking when he has been caught in a lie. Now my 8 1/2 year old daughter is starting to lie and manipulate so that she can do things she wants to do.
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Aug 16, 2016 10:18:02 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2016 10:18:02 GMT -7
Honey, do not let your weight keep you from church. This is coming from a woman who weighed at her heaviest 400 pounds. I know that being overweight is embarrassing. Been there. One of my not so good coping skills is overeating or stress eating....I still struggle with it. People judge...it's in our nature. When people judge based on looks you can guarantee that they are self-conscious about something about their body. If you are judged because of your weight, pray for them. Most people won't judge you. It is difficult to open yourself up to new people but the reward(friendship, acceptance, love, support, understanding) is worth any pain you experience.
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Aug 16, 2016 19:34:58 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2016 19:34:58 GMT -7
Hey,jaynar, now come on, sister, listen to me, you pack up the kids, put on some lipstick, and head to church Sunday. You have nothing to feel shame for. So you have put on some weight? Putting on weight, losing weight, being short, being tall, having tattoos vs no tattoos, having short hair or having long hair do not define us ... I realize that it makes you feel bad about yourself, but give yourself a break and look at what was a contributing factor. Look at all that you have been through. Our husband's addictions robbed us of so many things, one of them being our self worth. And then, there is the fact that Jesus loves you so much, you can bet that he doesn't notice that you have gained weight. Actually, he thinks you are so beautiful; he could look at you all day long and never tire of admiring how wonderfully, and fearlessly made you are. It is my believe that Jesus is one of the really good guys that would say "huh, you gained weight? Where? I didn't even notice".
You say that you and your family left church about a year ago. Was that because of your husband's addiction? I ask this because I had and still have a very difficult time attending church. I teach on Sunday morning's but find it hard to go and sit in church afterwards. Very hard for me. There is not anyone in my church that knows about this, so that is not the reason. My husband would do his porn and then sit in church beside me. It just really bothers me that he could do that and then five minutes later be sitting beside me in church like all was well.
Like you, I have been so saddened by seeing what my husband has missed out on ... but most of all, I am saddened to the core that he doesn't even realize that he is missing out. He is so content in his little world that he does not even know what he doesn't know!
Oh my gosh, the lying ... Want to know how I can tell when my husband is lying? If his mouth is moving! That was not kind, but I mean it. I usually only say that in my head! I talked to the therapist about this and she said that he has become so accustomed to telling lies to cover his tracks that the lying just becomes a way of life. My gramma used to always tell me that "we become what we practice the most". Maybe they just lied so much that they have become that without even realizing it.
I am so very sorry that your children know about this. I will keep them in my prayers.
You hang in there - Don't just know that Jesus loves you, unconditionally, but believe it and feel it! What a gift we have been given to have this wonderful man that gave his life for us, that loves us unconditionally, we do not have to cook for him, clean for him, or iron his shirts, and his gifts to us are never ending! And, I must add, we can talk to him day or night, for minutes or hours, and he will listen to every word and never grow tired ... can't find us another one like that!
Take care of yourself ~ It will all work out ~ And when it does, you can bet that you will be standing with a grin on your face, hands raised to the heavens and you will say "How could I have ever doubted?"
Prayers and Blessings!
Grace
I just thought of something that I used to always tell my kids ... "A lion never loses sleep over the opinion of a sheep". You are a lion ... don't let a sheep thinking that you gained weight keep you away from your Father.
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Aug 18, 2016 9:14:15 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2016 9:14:15 GMT -7
My husband was actually on the worship team at two previous churches we attended.It makes me sick that he can stand before God's people in worship knowing he is living a double life. I spoke with our last pastor and he told me not to worry over the small stuff. He said that I just judge it harshly. He did try to set my husband up with an accountability partner but that person suffered from depression. Therefore that did not work out. He did complete the setting captives free online course before it shut down.
We were in counseling but we don't have anyone to keep the children for us while we attended.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2016 10:11:16 GMT -7
Would your husband be willing to come here for accountabi;ity and encouragement?
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Aug 18, 2016 10:32:09 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2016 10:32:09 GMT -7
My husband was actually on the worship team at two previous churches we attended.It makes me sick that he can stand before God's people in worship knowing he is living a double life. I spoke with our last pastor and he told me not to worry over the small stuff. He said that I just judge it harshly. He did try to set my husband up with an accountability partner but that person suffered from depression. Therefore that did not work out. He did complete the setting captives free online course before it shut down. We were in counseling but we don't have anyone to keep the children for us while we attended. What in the world? Sexual immortality is not "small stuff" to our Lord. It is mentioned too often in the bible to be considered small. All sin caused unbelievable pain and suffering to Christ. It makes my blood boil when a church leader poo poos any sin...but especially something like sexual immortality. This sin takes over your whole life and changes you so drastically...poo pooing this sin can lead the sinner further down the wrong path. I will be praying for that pastor to have his/her eyes opened.
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Aug 18, 2016 11:22:00 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2016 11:22:00 GMT -7
Would your husband be willing to come here for accountabi;ity and encouragement? That is a great idea. I'm sure he would come on if I asked. I'm not sure how open he would be in the conversations, but it's worth a shot. I never thought about that. Thank you so much for the suggestion.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2016 12:05:42 GMT -7
Well he can message me or email me with the sensitive stuff. I have over 3 years of intense experience in this battle and certainly would not judge him. I have maintained my ministry positions because I have been open and repentant about my struggle.
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