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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2016 9:59:46 GMT -7
New here, hello everyone,
At the end of May my husband of 9 years confessed a porn/masterbation addiction that was scary for him to realize. He had been viewing porn online since he was 11ish and believes he was using it, at least in the beginning as a coping mechanism for his parents ugly divorce and anxiety. He is now 32 and the last time he viewed and masterbate was in May 2016, approx 2 weeks before he told me this was going on. It broke my heart for him to tell me about this side of him that I was completely unaware of for 13 years, when we have always been so close and told each other evwrything...I thought. He has been in therapy for anxiety for a few months now, since before he even told me about this, and is working on coping with anxiety. He broke my heart with this habit he was hiding and I felt, feel so betrayed even still. I love him so much and we are stronger together but I get these waves of sadness when I think of all the times he was watching porn and masterbating when I was out with the kids at their events, or he was on business trips watching porn in his hotel room and masterbating, or even watching it on his ipod while in the restroom, with me and the kids in the house. We have always had a very active sex life and still do, but I am always thinking about how what he was doing hurt my feelings so much and how maybe he is seeing things throughout the day that he is thinking about when we have sex at night. When does it get easier to forgive and leave it behind? I love him and don't want this habit to be something I am constantly thinking about. I want to trust him, but I don't. If he is in the shower a little longer than normal, I wonder if he is masterbating, I wonder if it's me he is picturing when we sleep together. Ugh. I also wonder if I am not trusting him because God is trying to tell me to not. Advice please?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2016 20:49:39 GMT -7
Hi, new friend. Believe me when I say to you that I am sorry for you and my heart feels the pain that you are feeling. It has been only since February that I discovered my husband's porn addiction. I knew that something was terribly wrong for 4-5 years but never imagined it would be porn.
I would like to say firstly, before I say anything else, that I am not an expert on this addiction. Anything that I know I have learned through reading, therapy, and being here. I struggle daily trying to wrap my head around this. My husband has offered nothing in the way of helping me through this. He is so deep in denial that if he started digging today he wouldn't be out by Christmas. He is of the opinion that I need to "just get over it". With that being said, I will tell you some of the thoughts that I have and you take what you can use and toss what you cannot.
I think it is admirable that your husband brought this to you and that he is in therapy without you dragging him there tied behind the car. That means a lot ... hang on to that.
You ask when it gets easier to forgive and leave it behind ... Forgiving my husband was the easy part for me because I did that for ME! I was in such a dark place in the beginning but thankfully there was enough light for me to see that forgiveness was the only way I was going to step out of the darkness.
Leaving it behind is a totally different story for me ... I am unable to leave it behind but only because there has been no change in his behavior, no remorse, and he is still doing it. He just lies better.
All of the questions that you ask yourself are normal. We have been betrayed. Our hearts have been broken. Our lives have been shattered. Will we wonder these things all the days of our lives? I do not know that. To me this has been in comparison to getting on the back of a bicycle with your best friend and trusting that this friend will ride safe and keep you protected. But instead, this best friend rides as fast as they can and smashes the bicycle into a tree. There you are sprawled on the ground broken and bruised ... hmmm, let me see, are you going to get back up and get back on that bicycle with them? No! They are going to have to earn your trust back. Perhaps take a few safe driving classes, demonstrate to you that they have changed there biking habits, and show you deep remorse.
You say that you wonder if God is telling you not to trust him (your husband). Are you sure that it is God? Could it be YOU telling yourself that something is not right? Something that you are not settled about but cannot put your finger on? I do not say this to make you feel worse but I do want to say to you that when I discovered that my husband was "watching porn and masturbating" that was only a thimble full of what I was to soon find out. Please, know, I say this only to help you listen to your heart.
You ask for advice ... This is what I have for you, friend, there is ONE and only one way through this journey and that is through Jesus Christ. You need to lean into him like never before. Talk to him like never before. You can tell it all to him, you are not going to shock him. He knows it all. When you are going through the darkest of periods, find a quiet place and spend it with Jesus. The peace that he brings is unimaginable.
You will make it ... probably won't be easy, probably won't be painless, and it probably won't happen in a day or two, but you will make it. And on the days that you think that you cannot, you have a friend in Jesus who will make sure that you do.
Hang in there ... This too shall pass.
Grace
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2016 7:02:12 GMT -7
Hi welcome to BG. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this sin. It affects so many not just the person involved in it.
Gracey said it well so I will just add a little bit to what she said. Like Gracey said, prayer and leaning on our Lord is the most important thing. Something you may want to think about is counseling for yourself, setting boundaries, installing accountability software on all electronics and down the road, couples counseling...first you need individual counseling to figure out what you are feeling and thinking before you can have a successful couple's counseling session. Try Journaling. You can start one on here if you want or pick up a notebook.
Know that whatever you are thinking and feeling is normal and OK. I think I even contemplated castration at one point and I have been in this sin on both sides. First as a participant and then as a wife. Yes I had to repent for that thought. Sadness, anger, not trusting, etc are all emotions that wives have to work through.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2016 12:40:03 GMT -7
Thanks for the replies. I am lucky that my husband came to me, not knowing what his years of porn and masterbation were actually doing to him. He is a good man
and has changed, it's just that the shock of being married 9 years and together for 13, without knowing this evil thing was in our marriage has left me so disappointed and feeling cheated out of what I thought was a different marriage. Now he is attentive and knows that I have trust issues, he feels guilt for what was happenino. I just want to view him as I used to before he told me...I see this evil thing when I see his laptop, ipod, etc. Even though I know he isn't looking at porn on the laptop now, I know he DID and it taints it, you know? Bleh
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2016 6:22:00 GMT -7
i would be incredibly surprised if you husband stopped cold turkey after 13 years addiction. I dont think you should beat yourself up for not trusting. trust isnt a choice like forgiveness, trust is earned.
I believe God tried to tell me not to trust my husband but my husband used a lot of spiritual tactics to convince me he had been delivered and was clean. I was sent dreams etc. Obviously many of us have flashbacks ad bad dreams in the wake of the trauma but i would see or say things in my dreams that i would find happening almost like a repeat .
I believe now my husband has broken the sin cycle in that area and while i am possibly more traumatised and damaged mentally than at any previous point in our marriage, i dont have the same feeling of constant distrust. I believe the Holy spirit warns us when we are unsafe . Its a dangerous thing to bond souls with a man who indulges in whoredom.
i realise this sounds like I am saying your husband is probably not to be trusted..statistically he is probably not. BUT GOD. I believe there can be complete deliverance from this sin and i sincerley wish that for your marriage. I see you only made the discovery a couple of months ago so you will not be out of the initial stages of shock yet. I would say give it at least 6 months and see how you feel then.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2016 11:18:16 GMT -7
Thank you, YES, it's a confusing time for sure. My husband, like most yoUnger people, started watching porn and masterbating as a young teenager and at some point before I even knew him, it became a habit. I never caught him or suspected anything. He came to me in a panic attack and said I need to tell you some things. He told me he had been watching porn for far to long aND he was scared. He had been doing some inward analysis and didn't like what he saw, he was realizing it was compulsive and he did it even if he didn't really want to. He read Every Mans Battle and came to me again saying he had thought he was giving me 100% and was being a man of integrity but he realized he wasnt. He was seeing his behavior for what it was and was upset. He had already been in therapy for anxiety and has since found out that this habit can be a coping mechanism for anxiety that begins in childhood. His parents had a horribly messy divorce and he got a job at 14 and took care of his brothers and sisters etc. It was really ugly. He said it started around that time. In any case, I believe he has stopped as he has a hatred for it. I just need the noise iny head to stop so I can move on. Heven hasn't done porn or masterbation since early May. He is practicing new methods of coping with anxiety and has made progress. I just need to break these associations, laptop, ipod, etc so that I don't think about it so much. Work in progress.
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