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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2016 10:48:59 GMT -7
My husband has been struggling with porn and sex addiction for the past few years. I found this out last year when he dropped the bomb that he had several affairs and paid for sex from both males and females. I took the news really hard and struggled with it. I am in recovery from drugs and alcohol and I had six years recovery until my relapse in August. I will have a year August 15 and I don't want to lose that. I am also a stay at home mother and a student online. I graduate this year. I placed my happiness in my husband so it was a devastating blow when I realized I was placing everything on him instead of God. I am a Christian and I prayed and did find forgiveness for his actions. We have been working on our marriage and both got counseling. I thought everything was good and we were on our path to recovery. Boy was I wrong.
A few days ago I checked his phone and found an ad he placed on back page .com for men seeking men for sex. I am in complete shock over this. He did remove the ad and reached out to a friend and confessed but was afraid to talk to me about it. He thinks i am too fragile and I would freak out over it. I am freaking out on the inside and feel betrayed and hurt once again. As much as I want to use over it I know it is not a solution and will only make things worse. I came out and asked him if he felt that he was gay and he stated he is not. He loves me very much and wants to be with me. We also have two young daughters 5 and 7 and as a child of divorce I just to think that is not an option. I want to have a stable happy life and have my children grow up in a two parent home. I just feel like I am at a loss and not sure what I should do. My pastor asked if I have somewhere to go with the girls or if he had somewhere to go. I don't want to leave but at the same time I do. I just really feel like I can't live like like this if things do not change. I just really need support from women who have been there and prayer.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2016 20:28:20 GMT -7
Hey, mkd, you have not only been on my mind, but I have kept you in my prayers. I am so very sorry that your heart is hurting so badly right now. I know that pain and pray that pornography would come to an end so no one ever has to experience this hurt. I probably am not the best person to be giving you advice as I am so new to this but hopefully my words can bring you some comfort. Discovering my husband's porn addiction was probably the most devastating life event that I had ever experienced. I am a social worker and spend my days helping people; I couldn't help him nor could I help myself. I also was clueless as to "porn addiction". Seriously, I thought that term meant looking at Playboy. Gee, have I learned a lot! When I discovered the addiction I immediately became so overwhelmed that I couldn't choose a shirt to wear to work without it becoming a major ordeal. I thought I had to have a plan for everything in my life in an hour. It was only when I realized that all I had to focus on was today ... just today! I would get up and go to work and tell myself all day long "I am okay for now". I focused on what had to be done that moment. Still, I am waiting on God. Our ending is not looking like a happily ever after, but I do not think about it today. When the time comes, when it is time to make a move, God will lead me. It will all fall into place. You have a full plate. Two little girls, a student, and a stay at home mom add to that your husband's betrayal of your trust and your battle with drugs and alcohol ... sister, you have a lot going on. Just stay in the today. You do not need to worry about tomorrow yet, you do not even have to go there yet. God is already there and has it all planned out for you. You do not have to make a decision about divorce today or even tomorrow. All you have to know today is that you are daughter to the King, you are loved, you are strong, you are courageous and you can and you will make it through this. You focus on your studies and graduating, those two precious little girls, and Jesus! I do not wish to be unkind, but, if your husband were worried about your fragility he would have made better choices. Do not let HIS poor choices lead you down the path of destruction that you have worked so hard to remove yourself from. The enemy would like nothing more than for you to give up and quit so he can have the victory in your life. But, you can overcome him through the almighty power of God! No matter what weapon the enemy throws at you, even pornography, it cannot penetrate the defense that Christ has put around you. Guard your heart! God will take what the enemy meant for evil in your life and he will turn it around for your good . You keep standing ... You keep believing ... and you keep trusting. You got this ... it does not have you. You will not leave my prayers.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2016 6:37:05 GMT -7
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. That is just what I needed to hear. I have been praying a lot and today I feel much better. I am going to put my focus on God, my girls, and my recovery and have faith that God will work everything out. I will keep you in my prayers as well. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. That is my favorite verse and my go to in my time of weakness and struggles. I just need to lean on him and he will give me strength.My husband and I talked last night for hours and I called a marriage counselor to set up and appointment. We are just going to take it one day at a time, one minute, or one second if we need.
I told him a thought is a thought and if he finds himself struggling with that thought he needs to talk to someone and confess. I don't expect to be that person but I told him about this forum and he could find help on here too.
Thank you 🙂
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2016 8:54:02 GMT -7
That's great that you can talk. I cannot tell you how much my wife's support has meant to me. I know in my moments of sobriety I love her so much for loving me through this horrible addiction. Don't hesitate to be firm and put boundaries and consequences in place. It is a childish place in us that needs to be disciplined. It would be great if your husband could come here and tell his story. I am always amazed that the wives of addicts come here but not the addict.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2016 11:27:49 GMT -7
Hi mk, I have been praying for you and your husband. I think there is something you need to understand about this addiction/sin. When we are into the cycle of this it takes more and more for us to get the same "high". Which means that we spiral down into darker stuff and into acting out. Your husband is doing this by checking out more forbidden things ie...same sex attraction. Addicts have different forbidden things that will pull them deeper into the addiction/sin. Most addicts do not see this cycle until they have been sober for a time.
I want you to understand what is happening with your husband but this in no way should be used to condone or put up with his behavior. You need to set down boundaries and stick to them. I am glad you are going to see a marriage counselor. Be sure to tell the counselor exactly what you want to see happen with your marriage. If the counselor does not agree with you, find a new one.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2016 20:27:12 GMT -7
I'm late chiming in, but wanted to share a few thoughts with you. Amymine is right, sex addiction is progressive as the addict needs more deviant, more risky behavior to get the same high. Sounds like your husband is already on that road. I would advise you to immediately protect yourself physically. He very well may be acting out with other men and women and this puts you at great risk physically. I'm speaking from experience here. Risking your life for the sake of your marriage is not worth it. He needs intensive therapy for sex addiction, and you need support as a wife of a sex addict. Marriage counseling isn't going to cut it. Find a support group in your area or check out the helpful resources section of this forum for some online and phone resources. Your husband must come to a place where he is sick of himself, in despair, and desire to change. This most often comes from experiencing major, hard consequences from the addicts bad choices. I encourage you to pray and cling to God most definitely. But you must also take action to protect yourself, your family, and allow your husband to experience the consequences of his addiction. Praying for you.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2016 7:07:02 GMT -7
Good morning to you, MKD. I intended to check in yesterday with you but I spent the day in both the sun and the Son! Just wanted you to know that I am keeping you in my prayers and I believe that God has great plans for you. Listen to and take the advice that you receive here ... it is right on. Right now this is all about you and taking care of yourself, not because you are "fragile" but because you are strong and courageous and you matter most. You take care of you and those two little girls, Jesus has the rest. Please know that when I say you are in my prayers, that is said with sincerity. You will not leave my heart or my prayers until you are on solid ground again. When I began this journey in February, I had NO one in this world that I could talk to. It was the loneliest feeling in the world. I could ask for prayer but not specific prayer. I was and am seeing a therapist, but that helped twice a month. I needed someone for the moment to moment melt downs. I have since opened up to two of my dearest friends but it was hard at first. It breaks my heart when I think of the number of women (and men) that could be experiencing that "all alone in the world" feeling that I had for months. I will be there for anyone that needs an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a knee to be to knelt upon, a hand to hold, or even a ball bat to beat someone's butt (just kidding on that one). Remember who you are; you are the King's Daughter! You are loved and you are precious in his sight. You will come out the other side, hands raised to the Heavens, looking up and saying " Whoa, I made it".
Hang in there, Sister! Take care of you!
Blessings to you!
Gracey
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2016 9:13:51 GMT -7
Glad to see you posting Gracey. Your encouragement and prayer will be a blessing to many ladies in this forum!
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