Out Of The House On My 12th Wedding Anniversary
Jul 3, 2016 0:24:12 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2016 0:24:12 GMT -7
12 months ago, my wife and I were celebrating our wedding anniversary by skydiving over the Fiji islands. Today, I moved out of the house at her request.
A little bit of my background...
Pornography has been a part of my life for years - long before I ever met my amazing wife.
My earliest memory was when I was 8 or 9. I went with my brother to his friend's house, and he and his friends put on a blue movie. I think of it as a "blue movie" because that's all I remember: a blue screen, some nudity, my brother and his friends laughing and cheering, and a great sense of discomfort within me.
My next memories come from when I was about 12 or 13. A friend and I found a magazine in the dumpster behind a petrol station. We looked at the pages together, then shared it between us a few times. I couldn't really understand what seemed so exciting about those images or the act of masturbation but I distinctly remember feeling ashamed that I did it. That shame has never left me.
By the time I was 15, I had my own computer and would go to friends' houses for LAN gaming. We'd go there to play games but there was almost always a portion of the night when we started sharing our porn folders across the network. It was such a "normal" thing to do. All my friends did it and we even named the folders the same thing: "Stuff".
Around the same time, I had a good friend who had the Internet. I didn't at that stage, and we used to download music and whatnot during sleepovers. But when he fell asleep, I'd log onto his computer to look at porn. I never told him about it, and nobody ever confronted me, but I knew nothing about browser history so someone must have discovered it eventually.
By the time I met my future wife, I was aged 18 and hooked. I was ashamed of it, too. I tried to "white knuckle" it and simply resist. When that didn't work, I'd do online courses to help break the desire to look at porn or to masturbate. Sometimes I'd make a genuine breakthrough and think I was "fixed", only to fall - no, jump - straight back into the pit during a moment of weakness.
When I married, I was a virgin. I naively assumed that once I'd experienced the real thing, porn would simply be a terrible memory, but that wasn't the case at all.
I love my wife and experiencing intimacy with her is the most amazing thing in the world, but it would only take a moment of weakness in my flesh and I'd be looking online for another form of satisfaction.
Pornography and masturbation is such an empty promise. It would be fun for a bit, but immediately after an orgasm there'd be an overwhelming sense of shame. And yet, I'd be back on there looking for my next fix. It actually makes no sense in the cold hard light of day but I was believing a lie that I would just look at one more image and I'd be satisfied.
I was never ever satisfied by porn.
I never told my wife about my struggles. I was afraid I'd hurt her, and while I surely would have, I would have kept her trust and we could have fought this together. Instead, I hid it. (There were also many times when I'd hope I'd get caught, but I never had the guts to front up to anyone about this.)
Things reached a crisis point in late 2009. I was driving home from out of town when my wife called and asked me about the porn sites I'd been visiting. I still remember vehemently denying it all over the phone. There she was at home, looking through my Internet history, and I wouldn't admit it was my doing. I was so ashamed of this struggle that at the time I'd been hiding for almost 15 years that I was convinced she couldn't love someone who had done what I clearly had.
It took me a few days to finally admit everything. My wife's trust in me had vanished, and I couldn't blame her. We put an Internet blocker on my laptop (which has proven to be extremely effective - I still can't access anything on there that isn't G-rated without having her enter the admin password). I signed up for another Internet course. She told me if it happened again, our marriage was done.
I think she said that without an understanding of how overwhelming the pull was, and how unrealistic a standard that was. But I didn't understand that either, and I agreed...although I couldn't really argue.
But beyond the Internet blocker and the online course, we didn't do anything more. I never became accountable to anyone outside the marriage. I didn't get any form of counseling for me or for us. This was partly because with the laptop no longer able to access porn, the desire was severely weakened.
My wife was also pregnant at the time she found out, and everything got swept aside as the baby arrived and parenthood began. It just never got properly addressed.
I remember doing really well not long after. I was motivated by fear and without easy access, I went cold turkey for quite a while. (I have no idea whether that means weeks, months, or years...it was such a frequent thing that going one day without sometimes felt like a massive victory.)
But one day I upgraded my old school phone for a smart phone. We installed a blocker on the browser but in a moment of weakness I discovered that I could get around that by using a different browser. All of a sudden, I was looking at porn again.
I can still remember how the shame of that first time was magnified. My wife had said a repeat act would end the marriage, so I decided telling her wasn't an option. I'd just keep it a secret and never do it again.
Big mistake!
That decision, and a lack of any other follow through, led to more porn, more shame, and a bigger secret to keep.
Things got out of control until last Tuesday, when my wife caught me on a sex chat website. I did the same thing as before: I lied about what I'd done, then I downplayed it, then I finally confessed.
By then, of course, all that trust we'd spent almost 7 years rebuilding was completely undermined. There were times in that 7 year period that my wife suspected something and asked me how I was doing, and I'd deny everything.
Now my word means absolutely nothing.
I've confessed everything I can remember, but if I forget a specific interaction, (that she knows happened because she can see the Internet history), she's convinced that I'm lying. (And I don't blame her - were the roles reversed, I'd probably reach the same conclusion.)
So today is our wedding anniversary. She had planned a weekend away at a hotel for it, but she went with a friend instead, while I stayed at home with our daughters. She asked me to leave the house and a friend of hers looked after the girls while I left before my wife returned home. So we haven't even seen each other on what should have been our most special day.
I've hurt her more than probably anyone in her life ever has and I feel awful about it. I've betrayed her trust. I've endangered my marriage and my family and I'm terrified that I'm going to lose both.
At the same time, I feel a great sense of relief that my secret has finally been exposed beyond my wife after 20-odd years of hiding. Her parents know. Her two best friends know. Our small group leaders know. The godparents to our children know. The pastoral care person I meet with knows. And my best friend knows.
Now I can be truly accountable. I've discovered just how much my relationship with God has suffered and I finally feel able to reconnect. I've started reading the Road To Grace, have contacted a counselor to start working through my stuff, and I can pray for healing for my wife from the very wounds I've inflicted her with.
But I'm still terrified and I hate to see my wife in pain, and I'm staying elsewhere indefinitely.
I pray our next wedding anniversary - if we have one - is an occasion to celebrate redemption and restoration.
A little bit of my background...
Pornography has been a part of my life for years - long before I ever met my amazing wife.
My earliest memory was when I was 8 or 9. I went with my brother to his friend's house, and he and his friends put on a blue movie. I think of it as a "blue movie" because that's all I remember: a blue screen, some nudity, my brother and his friends laughing and cheering, and a great sense of discomfort within me.
My next memories come from when I was about 12 or 13. A friend and I found a magazine in the dumpster behind a petrol station. We looked at the pages together, then shared it between us a few times. I couldn't really understand what seemed so exciting about those images or the act of masturbation but I distinctly remember feeling ashamed that I did it. That shame has never left me.
By the time I was 15, I had my own computer and would go to friends' houses for LAN gaming. We'd go there to play games but there was almost always a portion of the night when we started sharing our porn folders across the network. It was such a "normal" thing to do. All my friends did it and we even named the folders the same thing: "Stuff".
Around the same time, I had a good friend who had the Internet. I didn't at that stage, and we used to download music and whatnot during sleepovers. But when he fell asleep, I'd log onto his computer to look at porn. I never told him about it, and nobody ever confronted me, but I knew nothing about browser history so someone must have discovered it eventually.
By the time I met my future wife, I was aged 18 and hooked. I was ashamed of it, too. I tried to "white knuckle" it and simply resist. When that didn't work, I'd do online courses to help break the desire to look at porn or to masturbate. Sometimes I'd make a genuine breakthrough and think I was "fixed", only to fall - no, jump - straight back into the pit during a moment of weakness.
When I married, I was a virgin. I naively assumed that once I'd experienced the real thing, porn would simply be a terrible memory, but that wasn't the case at all.
I love my wife and experiencing intimacy with her is the most amazing thing in the world, but it would only take a moment of weakness in my flesh and I'd be looking online for another form of satisfaction.
Pornography and masturbation is such an empty promise. It would be fun for a bit, but immediately after an orgasm there'd be an overwhelming sense of shame. And yet, I'd be back on there looking for my next fix. It actually makes no sense in the cold hard light of day but I was believing a lie that I would just look at one more image and I'd be satisfied.
I was never ever satisfied by porn.
I never told my wife about my struggles. I was afraid I'd hurt her, and while I surely would have, I would have kept her trust and we could have fought this together. Instead, I hid it. (There were also many times when I'd hope I'd get caught, but I never had the guts to front up to anyone about this.)
Things reached a crisis point in late 2009. I was driving home from out of town when my wife called and asked me about the porn sites I'd been visiting. I still remember vehemently denying it all over the phone. There she was at home, looking through my Internet history, and I wouldn't admit it was my doing. I was so ashamed of this struggle that at the time I'd been hiding for almost 15 years that I was convinced she couldn't love someone who had done what I clearly had.
It took me a few days to finally admit everything. My wife's trust in me had vanished, and I couldn't blame her. We put an Internet blocker on my laptop (which has proven to be extremely effective - I still can't access anything on there that isn't G-rated without having her enter the admin password). I signed up for another Internet course. She told me if it happened again, our marriage was done.
I think she said that without an understanding of how overwhelming the pull was, and how unrealistic a standard that was. But I didn't understand that either, and I agreed...although I couldn't really argue.
But beyond the Internet blocker and the online course, we didn't do anything more. I never became accountable to anyone outside the marriage. I didn't get any form of counseling for me or for us. This was partly because with the laptop no longer able to access porn, the desire was severely weakened.
My wife was also pregnant at the time she found out, and everything got swept aside as the baby arrived and parenthood began. It just never got properly addressed.
I remember doing really well not long after. I was motivated by fear and without easy access, I went cold turkey for quite a while. (I have no idea whether that means weeks, months, or years...it was such a frequent thing that going one day without sometimes felt like a massive victory.)
But one day I upgraded my old school phone for a smart phone. We installed a blocker on the browser but in a moment of weakness I discovered that I could get around that by using a different browser. All of a sudden, I was looking at porn again.
I can still remember how the shame of that first time was magnified. My wife had said a repeat act would end the marriage, so I decided telling her wasn't an option. I'd just keep it a secret and never do it again.
Big mistake!
That decision, and a lack of any other follow through, led to more porn, more shame, and a bigger secret to keep.
Things got out of control until last Tuesday, when my wife caught me on a sex chat website. I did the same thing as before: I lied about what I'd done, then I downplayed it, then I finally confessed.
By then, of course, all that trust we'd spent almost 7 years rebuilding was completely undermined. There were times in that 7 year period that my wife suspected something and asked me how I was doing, and I'd deny everything.
Now my word means absolutely nothing.
I've confessed everything I can remember, but if I forget a specific interaction, (that she knows happened because she can see the Internet history), she's convinced that I'm lying. (And I don't blame her - were the roles reversed, I'd probably reach the same conclusion.)
So today is our wedding anniversary. She had planned a weekend away at a hotel for it, but she went with a friend instead, while I stayed at home with our daughters. She asked me to leave the house and a friend of hers looked after the girls while I left before my wife returned home. So we haven't even seen each other on what should have been our most special day.
I've hurt her more than probably anyone in her life ever has and I feel awful about it. I've betrayed her trust. I've endangered my marriage and my family and I'm terrified that I'm going to lose both.
At the same time, I feel a great sense of relief that my secret has finally been exposed beyond my wife after 20-odd years of hiding. Her parents know. Her two best friends know. Our small group leaders know. The godparents to our children know. The pastoral care person I meet with knows. And my best friend knows.
Now I can be truly accountable. I've discovered just how much my relationship with God has suffered and I finally feel able to reconnect. I've started reading the Road To Grace, have contacted a counselor to start working through my stuff, and I can pray for healing for my wife from the very wounds I've inflicted her with.
But I'm still terrified and I hate to see my wife in pain, and I'm staying elsewhere indefinitely.
I pray our next wedding anniversary - if we have one - is an occasion to celebrate redemption and restoration.
