Dad died last night.

I am just numb right now trying not to go into the "what could have been" and being grateful for God leading me through the healing and forgiving process so that I could talk to dad for the last couple of years...to be able to tell him I love him and mean it.

Very tired today, the funeral was a private graveside service. The heat index was 110. So between the 3 hours in a car and the heat, my brother, my mom and myself are wiped out today. It was nice to see my auntie and cousins but there was no idle chitchat. Which was a blessing. That side of the family, outside of my auntie, didn't know about my dad's abuse. There is no reason to mar their memories of dad for something that happened long ago. I am happy to know that he truly knew Christ as Lord and Savior and had regular contact with a pastor there last few years.

I have cried a little but don't want to let it go too far because of my going into the I wishes. I have eternity to look forward to and I am sure now that dad will be there also.

Amy, a year ago my Father died of cancer. I was one of his carers for the last week's of his life. This experience both humbled and frustrated me. I had high hopes of a fairytale death bed bonding which needless to say did not happen and I have been left to come to terms with a relationship that was not what it should have been.

I have prayerfully written posthumous letters to both of my parents to say that which I did not get to say, especially about forgiveness. I try not to let the disappointment of childhood drag me down in the here and now and I seek out the memory of the love that was between us although it was never perfect, and although my faith and commitment might waver I am refreshed by new insights that bless and speak of freedom.