Post by Deleted on May 29, 2016 8:14:04 GMT -7
Sorry, this is long, but I need to talk to someone who can relate and maybe help me.
My husband had an affair 10 years ago, left me for a time and wanted a divorce to be with her. Very long story short, he came back, we went to counseling and worked it out. Marriage was really good for several years (or so I thought). During the A, he admitted to being with other women (a total of 5) before her. It was a lot to deal with and I don't think I ever really got over it, but we were happy and our relationship was strong. I know life isn't all about sunshine and roses and bad things happen to good people. I am a Christian and have relied on God to get me through. The past couple of years have not been that great. We had gotten into a rut, both very busy working, attending school, all in an effort to better ourselves and our financial situation. The first of September, he told me he wanted a divorce, that things just weren't fun anymore, he didn't feel the way he should about me. I said we could go to counseling again, do whatever it takes to work it out, get our spark back, make it better. He refused. We continued to live together and actually got along very well during the next few months. He contacted his lawyer to begin the D in January, but his lawyer was busy and never got back to him after many attempts, so we went to someone else and filed the first week of February. At this point, I had done all I knew to do and had accepted that I would be ok alone. We have no children together. He moved out the day after we signed and was back the very next day crying and saying he had made a huge mistake and would do whatever it took to get me back. I was dumbfounded and really just numb.
I told him that because I believed in marriage and commitment, I would consider repairing our relationship after some time had gone by and he worked on himself (and me, myself). He began going to counseling, says he has been reading, studying Bible and praying (this was something he does not do), reading Biblically based marriage help books, sending me cards, flowers, showing love as best he could with the separation. He had the divorce delayed for 2 months. I began to soften some and think we had hope. My counselor is a Christian and together we decided that perhaps the best move was to go ahead and let the divorce happen, start all over with one another, and recommit when and if we got to that point.
A few weeks ago, I noticed that the woman he had the affair with was following him on ebay. I asked him about it and he said he was unaware. I asked if there had been contact and he said no. He showed me his messages on ebay to prove it. I looked in the trash messages and there they were. She had initiated contact, he told her to call him and gave his number, said he was separated, it was safe, blah blah. I went ballistic and he freaked out and started crying saying he was going to tell me, had just talked about it to his counselor that day, and was going to tell me when he mustered up the courage. He said there was nothing to it, that he just wondered what she was up to, why she contacted him, that he realized he was disgusted by her and that it was actually a good thing because he really felt like she just grossed him out and he could not believe he had ever seen anything in her. I insisted on seeing phone records, email, and he showed them to me, but I was still obsessing.
Yesterday, he called and said he needed to show me something. I said just tell me, I don't really want you to come over. He said I really need to show you and don't want to talk on the phone. I relented. When he got here, he got on my computer and showed me a website talking about sex addiction. I said, "you think you are a sex addict?" He said yes. I said, "No you're not; you haven't been with anyone since the affair 10 years ago." He didn't say anything. I said "OMG, you have?" He began to tell me of three women he had been with that he says he found on hookup websites and met for sex several times. He says it all happened in the last 5 years. I remembered that I once found a picture on his phone of his privates in a kik app folder. He told me he had considered sending it to someone on there because he was feeling inadequate in the bedroom, because our sex life wasn't what it used to be, he was sorry, knew it was wrong, etc. I forgave him and got past it. I guess I just didn't want to believe.
Well, when he told me all this yesterday, I didn't even cry. I just have no feelings. That freaks me out. I don't want to be desensitized and just accept all this crap as normal. I also wonder if it just means I'm over him. I don't know what to do. I feel that as a Christian, I should consider giving him another chance, but I don't know what to do about having no feelings whatsoever. I am not attracted to him at all. If there really is an addiction, I feel like I should consider repairing things, but I also think that maybe this is just too much and I should cut my losses and move on. This makes a total of 9 people (that I know of) he's been with since we have been married (15 years). I don't believe anything he says right now. I know he is horribly ashamed, remorseful, and he cries all the time. I am worried about him too, because he mentions being better off dead. Thanks for listening (reading).
My husband had an affair 10 years ago, left me for a time and wanted a divorce to be with her. Very long story short, he came back, we went to counseling and worked it out. Marriage was really good for several years (or so I thought). During the A, he admitted to being with other women (a total of 5) before her. It was a lot to deal with and I don't think I ever really got over it, but we were happy and our relationship was strong. I know life isn't all about sunshine and roses and bad things happen to good people. I am a Christian and have relied on God to get me through. The past couple of years have not been that great. We had gotten into a rut, both very busy working, attending school, all in an effort to better ourselves and our financial situation. The first of September, he told me he wanted a divorce, that things just weren't fun anymore, he didn't feel the way he should about me. I said we could go to counseling again, do whatever it takes to work it out, get our spark back, make it better. He refused. We continued to live together and actually got along very well during the next few months. He contacted his lawyer to begin the D in January, but his lawyer was busy and never got back to him after many attempts, so we went to someone else and filed the first week of February. At this point, I had done all I knew to do and had accepted that I would be ok alone. We have no children together. He moved out the day after we signed and was back the very next day crying and saying he had made a huge mistake and would do whatever it took to get me back. I was dumbfounded and really just numb.
I told him that because I believed in marriage and commitment, I would consider repairing our relationship after some time had gone by and he worked on himself (and me, myself). He began going to counseling, says he has been reading, studying Bible and praying (this was something he does not do), reading Biblically based marriage help books, sending me cards, flowers, showing love as best he could with the separation. He had the divorce delayed for 2 months. I began to soften some and think we had hope. My counselor is a Christian and together we decided that perhaps the best move was to go ahead and let the divorce happen, start all over with one another, and recommit when and if we got to that point.
A few weeks ago, I noticed that the woman he had the affair with was following him on ebay. I asked him about it and he said he was unaware. I asked if there had been contact and he said no. He showed me his messages on ebay to prove it. I looked in the trash messages and there they were. She had initiated contact, he told her to call him and gave his number, said he was separated, it was safe, blah blah. I went ballistic and he freaked out and started crying saying he was going to tell me, had just talked about it to his counselor that day, and was going to tell me when he mustered up the courage. He said there was nothing to it, that he just wondered what she was up to, why she contacted him, that he realized he was disgusted by her and that it was actually a good thing because he really felt like she just grossed him out and he could not believe he had ever seen anything in her. I insisted on seeing phone records, email, and he showed them to me, but I was still obsessing.
Yesterday, he called and said he needed to show me something. I said just tell me, I don't really want you to come over. He said I really need to show you and don't want to talk on the phone. I relented. When he got here, he got on my computer and showed me a website talking about sex addiction. I said, "you think you are a sex addict?" He said yes. I said, "No you're not; you haven't been with anyone since the affair 10 years ago." He didn't say anything. I said "OMG, you have?" He began to tell me of three women he had been with that he says he found on hookup websites and met for sex several times. He says it all happened in the last 5 years. I remembered that I once found a picture on his phone of his privates in a kik app folder. He told me he had considered sending it to someone on there because he was feeling inadequate in the bedroom, because our sex life wasn't what it used to be, he was sorry, knew it was wrong, etc. I forgave him and got past it. I guess I just didn't want to believe.
Well, when he told me all this yesterday, I didn't even cry. I just have no feelings. That freaks me out. I don't want to be desensitized and just accept all this crap as normal. I also wonder if it just means I'm over him. I don't know what to do. I feel that as a Christian, I should consider giving him another chance, but I don't know what to do about having no feelings whatsoever. I am not attracted to him at all. If there really is an addiction, I feel like I should consider repairing things, but I also think that maybe this is just too much and I should cut my losses and move on. This makes a total of 9 people (that I know of) he's been with since we have been married (15 years). I don't believe anything he says right now. I know he is horribly ashamed, remorseful, and he cries all the time. I am worried about him too, because he mentions being better off dead. Thanks for listening (reading).