To ask or not to ask

some women need to know everything, some dont want to know. Me, I wanted to know everything. But you cant unknow what you have been told. If you can tolerate not knowing the details, it may be healthier in the long run. However, as a general rule its necessary to know:
The periods of time use began and ended. The forms of media and of acting out (eg mb, just viewing p, chatrooms, prostitutes, hook ups) If anything illegal has been involved. If anyone you know has been complicit in supply or has been used as fantasy. What are known triggers for your husband.

it would be horrendous to find out people you know have been involved but i believe we would rather cut contact than carry on dumbly with them around our husbands. Same for triggers. You wouldnt watch a certain programme if you knew it was a trigger for your husband.


Its very encouraging that he has confessed to you. Believe me that is rare and it shows a man who wants to stop, not one who wants to stop because he's been caught and he doesnt like the trouble its now caused. A man who is so broken by his sin that he confesses voluntarily is in the best place to beat this addiction for good. Of course it doesnt stop your confusion and feelings of betrayal right now, but it gives a lot of hope .

Thank you for the responses. I may write a letter to my husband with some of my questions that I'd like him to think and reflect over before we discuss his responses. I think that our overall communication needs to improve and this issue has brought that to the surface. I don't want to internalize things, as I've observed firsthand how unhealthy it is from seeing it in my parents' marriage. My husband has a difficult time identifying triggers or reasons for his porn addiction. Which makes it very confusing for me to understand. We've had a very consistent and fulfilling sex life, or so I thought. He is very outgoing and not isolated or unsocial.

I lean heavy on the side that as a wife, you need to find out what's really going on. Ask the hard questions and be prepared for answers you don't want to hear. Get the help of a therapist who specializes in sex addiction - working with the addict and helping the spouse deal with the trauma of it. Neither of you can handle the addiction and the destruction it brings on your own. Sounds like your husband has taken a few, small steps in the right direction. He has support - you need your own support as well.

I urge wives who say their husband has a porn problem to investigate and make certain what you are dealing with. Make the effort to find out if there is more to it that no one knows but your husband. Knowing reality could be the difference between life and death in an age of fatal STDs. Sex addiction is progressive. It starts with porn, and can progress to acting out physically with others via massage parties, affairs, prostitutes, etc. I'm not trying to scare you, just trying to urge you to have courage and pursue the truth. My own husband's addiction began as a child and progressed way beyond porn as an adult. It's only by the grace of God that we are both healthy today. Find out the truth. No matter how difficult it may be.