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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2016 19:46:35 GMT -7
Good evening...
Just joined the forums because I can't seem to hold it together anymore. Found out on Easter Sunday that my husband of almost 12 years is using porn. Though I don't think it's been a chronic problem for the entirety of our marriage, it has popped up a time or two. This time however feels different. The incidents are not isolated and it feels like a pattern of behavior. Addiction? I don't know.... But I do know I feel betrayed. It feels like cheating to me, but he is adamant that it's not. Tonight he told me that he would never admit that using porn with masturbation is cheating. He said, "I have not committed adultery, and you will never convince me otherwise."
I feel trapped. I don't trust him. I don't know where to turn.
When he first admitted he was using it, he was seemingly repentant. He apologized often. But as time ticks on, he gets more defensive and angry. Anytime I tell him something bothers me, you'd think I was asking him to cut off his arm.... Or that I was cutting it off myself. He is very against any suggestion I make as a preventative measure. Our relationship is getting worse... Not better. Even though he says he's not doing it anymore, I'm just not sure I believe him. I'm willing to be a part of his healing process, but I can't do it for him. What's worse is we have two young boys. I don't want this to be his legacy.
Tomorrow we are heading out of town to a Family Life marriage event and I am really beside myself. It has been planned for months. But I have received no counsel as of yet and I dont know how to handle this subject. If we should talk about it (Doesn't seem to help) or ignore the Elephant in the room all weekend.
I'm so discouraged. Any thoughts are most appreciated.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2016 5:09:44 GMT -7
Hello and I am thankful you found this forum...but my heart breaks because of your story. I undestand the trapped feeling, especially the elephant in the room.
Porn use and masturbation IS adultery, and you are completely justified in saying that to your husband. Unfortunately, over time these activities alter your husband's brain to depend on certain types of arousal, and the dopamine surges that create the 'high' become addicting.
I found out almost a year ago that my husband has been seeking daily fulfillment outside our relationship since before we were married. He also admitted that he has pretty much done it his whole life, but he just didn't bother telling me when he proposed to me AND asked to adopt my daughter. He had me and my entire family convinced he was a prince...instead he was an imposter.
I know the feelings of helplessness and betrayal, but there is hope. There are myriad resources on SA and PA, but the best resource I found as a wife was the book by Marsha Means and Barbara Steffens, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. Buy it, and read every page. It explained so much about my husband's bizarre behavior, and taught me how to cope with my, at times, irrationally emotional behavior.
We will pray for you here, and there are so many others who can offer insight and help. I am so sorry you are facing this, it seems as though this type of problem is becoming an epidemic. Educate yourself, epecially for the sake of your boys. Your husband's choices WILL affect them, and they will be exposed to ungodly and Satanic influence through him. Please stay in touch and reach out to us, don't become isolated. God bless.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2016 7:09:50 GMT -7
Hi musichealer. I am glad you found us but sad you had the need to look for us. What broken said is dead on. I want to add that you can talk about this until you are blue in the face and it will do no good. Your husband is an addict and he is defensive about it with you. No amount of talking from you will change his behaviour. He may listen to a Godly man that he respects but that is also doubtful. The only one that can change his heart is God and then only if your husband allows it. I would suggest, as broken has mentioned, to educate yourself about this addiction I would also suggest getting into individual counseling. This addiction affects everyone including your children. Once you have educated yourself, you need to look at putting boundaries in place and sticking to them. IE...porn blocking software, family time, praying and reading the bible together. The boundaries you will have to tailor to your husband and your situation.
Also remember that addicts are adept at hiding the truth and blame shifting. Listen to your gut. Do not ignore it. God gave us our guts just for these situations. He made women intuitive because men don't like to talk. Ask pointed questions. Do not allow for vague answers.
Most importantly....pray. Prayer is our greatest weapon. Use it and use it frequently. God will guide you on what your next steps should be. Also be sure to do your own heart checks. It is very easy to slip into wanting to exact justice and to lash out because you have been deeply hurt. Leave the justice to God.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2016 6:14:04 GMT -7
Thanks, all! Your words of validation mean more than you can imagine.
Away from home, things seem better. God is giving me compassion for my husband intermingled with the anger I feel. He is showing me that it is HIS loving kindness that leads to repentance... Not the all the words I might hope to speak and/or tears I may cry.
Interestingly enough, the conference started last night, and the topic was Why Marriages Fail. One of the reasons cited was "affairs" but they went on to say that pornography fell in that category. I'm not sure my husband agreed necessarily, but at least he heard it again... And from someone other than me. The speaker said that topic (porn use) would be addressed further in a different session. My prayer is that The Father will reveal HIS truth to my hubby's heart. Sadly, I believe he is showing me that my husband doesn't know how to love because he's never truly experienced it. I continue to covet your prayers!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2016 7:35:34 GMT -7
I was praying that this retreat would address porn. It is such a major problem in our society and in the church. Did you know that 1 out of 3 ministers/pastors is addicted to porn? Also at least 50% of men in the church are addicted as well. Outside the church 70% of men and 30% of women are addicted. It is truly sad that porn has insinuated itself in our culture so thoroughly. And it starts at such a young age...10-11 years old.
Learning to love is a hard thing to do. I have been there. It takes becoming completely vulnerable and letting God show you His love for you. To let yourself experience and feel that love. That is very scary. It is also the main step in healing and overcoming this addiction. I will be praying that your husband will open himself up for that experience. It really is life saving and changing.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2016 7:30:54 GMT -7
to my thinking, porn is worse than an affair because its so....dark.....its an industry that thrives on abuse, exploitation, rape, desperation, drugs....and a main involved with porn just takes takes takes with no affection or mutual enjoyment required. It distorts their minds so much and reduces empathy completely, distorts their personality... and it IS adultery, they are getting sexual fulfilment by use of womens bodies outside the marriage, what else is that? I was fortunate that my husband was willing to stop, but unfortunate in that he was such a liar. I do remember in the early years though how very difficult it was to try to purify his 'entertainment' it seemed like all i was doing was spoiling his fun (he once said i was trying to castrate him because everythig he wanted to do always seemed to be skirting too close to porn for my liking) It took a long time for him to understand what purity required and after that, well, he just acted recovery out well but thats another story.
I dont think you can get anywhere by keeping quiet on this because their consciences are completely seared in this area.
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