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Moving On
Apr 7, 2016 9:19:12 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2016 9:19:12 GMT -7
After nearly a year of prayer, study, Godly cousel and reflection, I have decided to end my marriage. My husband has shown absolutely NO effort toward seeking counseling, group therapy, accountability or even acknowledging that he is a sex addict. His abandonment and unstable behavior has wreaked havoc on me and my daughter's heart and emotions. It is my duty to protect her from further harm, and I pray that God will shield her little heart and emotions from lasting damage.
I am overjoyed to report that last Tuesday, my daighter asked Jesus into her heart as Savior, and she will be baptized the first Sunday in May. I was privileged to be there as she prayed the most precious prayer I have ever heard. So although at times I may not feel His presence, God is TRULY with us! Thank you all for loving and supporting us, and please don't stop praying. I know God is in the miracle business, and it is my sincere prayer that my husband will find freedom from his bonds.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2016 9:59:36 GMT -7
Hon I am sorry you had to make such a difficult decision. I know how hard this is. Don't let the what if's and second guesses get to you. I had a real hard time with that. I will continue to pray for you, your daughter and your husband. God can and does work miracles in people's hearts. I still pray for my ex....whether it's: Lord help me to forgive him or Lord bring him closer to you and out from under the bondage of this sin. Try to find the blessings in your life and hang on to those because it will be rough for awhile. I hope you decide to stick around here but understand if you feel the need to move on.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2016 18:34:55 GMT -7
I could never abandon my family at blazing grace. The love, prayers and support that you have shown me have been one of the greatest blessings of my life. There is no way I could have coped with those first devastating weeks without the education and emotional support you all showed me.
I want you to know that my daughter accepted Christ a week and a half ago. We pulled over on the side of the road, and she asked Jesus into her heart forever! I was privileged to hear her pray a precious prayer all on her own. This is proof that even when we can't feel him, God is with us and working in our lives. She will be baptized the first week in May, so I am blessed beyond measure, and I thank God for his faithfulness.
I will continue to believe in miracles, and pray for my husband's true, Godly and sorrow full repentance. I asked God to give me the opportunity to minister to others who are going through the same fiery trial, as I have met more women that need help with the same problem. Praise God that He is using me to minister to them! I will be on The Forum often, and welcome any prayers or recommendations that the members have to offer. I love you all!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2016 7:18:37 GMT -7
I am dancing for joy first because of God's faithfulness in bringing your daughter to Him and second that you are sticking around. We need Godly women such as yourself to minister to others going through this trial. I will continue to pray for you all. Keep us updated on how you are doing emotionally, physically, spiritually so we can direct our prayers.
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Moving On
Apr 12, 2016 8:23:51 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2016 8:23:51 GMT -7
Hi everyone...I am mystified by my husband's behavior. I have completely withdrawn communication and contact with him according to advice from my lawyer. Last night he showed up unannounced at my home, apparently because I refuse to respond to texts. When he asked why, I stated simply that I was leaving him alone as he has requested in the past. This incredulous look came across his face as though he didn't have a clue what i was talking about. Then he hung around, interacting with my our daughter until time for bedtime prayers. After she said prayers, he asked me again why I wasn't communicating, and I said, "I am treating you EXACTLY like you have treated me, with little or no regard." Again, incredulity, then he turned and walked out the door. I am finally getting through the grief process in regard to my marriage, and have landed squarely in the anger phase. Can someone please explain to me why he is playing this game of cluelessness? Is it because he is so deep in denial that all sensible perception of the needs of others is gone? Gentlemen, I know many of you refrain from engaging in the ladies discussions, but I truly need some insight from both sides. I wanted so much to message him and tell him to not show up again unannounced, but do not want to engage in communication. With God's help, I finally have a grip on my emotions and cannot handle another rollercoaster ride. Help!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2016 11:54:52 GMT -7
Yes he is deep into denial and the addiction makes him selfish. Men are generally clueless when it comes to us women. For some reason...sin entering the world...we don't understand each other. We are emotionally driven and they are goal, task and fix it driven. So when we just need to vent, they just want to fix it and feel helpless when they can't. Men thrive on respect while women thrive on love. Kinda simplistic way of looking at it but it explains it pretty well.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2016 7:33:33 GMT -7
i think they genuinely assume we will never make a stand and begin the process of separation?
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Moving On
Apr 13, 2016 8:29:50 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2016 8:29:50 GMT -7
Ellekay, I have thought the same thing. Then I battle with thoughts that he is just biding his time, waiting on me to give up, bow out and do the job that is too cowardly to do.
I talked to my pastor this morning, and he told me that no matter how much we pray for someone, until they hit rock bottom they will never change. I know he is right because I have been there, several times. I also know that each person has different levels of rock bottom, I guess I thought my husband was there the day he confessed to me and our pastor. I know now he was only sorry because he had been caught, and that it was NOT a true Godly, sorrowful repentance because of who he is.
I can't imagine the fear you have endured because of the repeated betrayals from your spouse. I know the trauma caused by those events is brutal, and I am praying for you, your daughter and the baby. May God cover you all with grace and peace.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2016 9:41:45 GMT -7
Thats good that your pastor understands tough decisions rather than advocating staying no matter what.
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Moving On
Apr 14, 2016 10:25:45 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2016 10:25:45 GMT -7
The first thing my pastor said that day to my husband is that I have the right to divorce him in God's eyes and in the eyes of the law. He told him that I held the cards and could do what I want. I made the choice to stay, but I don't think my husband expected me to do that. I have been told many times since that day, by many people, that they could never have done that, including my pastor. Looking back at everything that has happened in the past year, I don't know if I made the right choice especially in regard to my daughter.
The hurt that was heaped on us since his abandonment on October 1 is the WORST pain I have ever experienced, including the death of mu brother and both my parents. Brutal, searing agony has been my companion for nearly 6 months, but if I had divorced him then, we would already be moving forward, healing and getting on with our lives. Yet I know I would live with a lifetime of regret had I not tried to save my marriage.
I have done my best, with God's help, to survive this ordeal and maintain a stable home for my daughter and myself. But I dread what is coming, the permanent rending and tearing apart of my family...it is unbearable to think of it. I have to remember that it was not my doing that brought us here, and trust that God has my future in His almighty hands. Struggling with my emotions has nearly destroyed me...
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2016 14:12:44 GMT -7
The rending and tearing apart of your family was done when your husband turned his back on you. Making it legal is all you are doing so that you and your daughter can move forward and heal. My heart hurts with you. God's heart hurts with you also. He will give you comfort if you turn to Him.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2016 5:44:55 GMT -7
Hi Broken,
I am a little hesitant to wade into this discussion because there is nothing I can say that can take away the pain and suffering you have endured. I also understand that you have a lot of anger as a result of your husbands betrayal. I find myself getting very angry at other men that just dont seem to get it. I can understand a Christian man being addicted but hating his sin and the pain he is causing. What I don't understand is justfying the sin and totally disregarding the damage they are doing to their wives and family. I can say, when in my addiction, I feel like a different person and don't care about anything else at the time. Thankfully by God's grace afterward I see my wife's pain, fear and anxiety. She gets stress headaches and other medical problems that I cannot ignore. I have sought God and pleaded with Him since the first day I acted out 3 years ago to help me overcome. I felt God spoke to me at a PK conference 18 months ago and told me to confess to my wife. I did and it has made the difference as we are a team fighting this stronghold in my life together.
I can say my upbringing as a child has contributed to this addiction and all it's underlying roots. My mom was controlling and has BPD, my dad was depressed, angry and absent. I learned to seek affirmation, comfort and even power from a woman's affirmation rather than a fathers love. I don't know your husband's heart or what made him the way he is but I do know God can get his attention. When the prodigal found himself eating with pigs he came to his senses and returned to open arms. Some how you need to maintain the necessary boundaries in your marriage while learning to find forgiveness and even compassion for your husband. I think seperation may be a good boundary but divorce may be a little premature and even vengeful. Pray for your husband to receive the grace he needs to see the magnitude of his sin and to cry out to God for help. I am sorry this has happened to you. Our enemy is vicious and relentless. Thankfully we are overcomers in Christ.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2016 6:33:54 GMT -7
Brave thank you for posting. I do have a genuine question for you...how long is the separation to be before it is ok to move on? Broken and her husband have been separated for a year. He walked out on her and has not wanted anything to do with her or their daughter...not even supporting them. How long do we give our S.O. before it is ok to move forward? Are you seeing something in her S.O. actions that we have missed? Is he showing signs of change that have been missed? I would love to get behind this relationship but I am not seeing change and repentance. It kills my heart to see this addiction destroy another marriage.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2016 13:35:26 GMT -7
Well I really dont see much hope based on her side of the story. I just think divorce is a last resort. What does divorce accomplish that seperation cannot?
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Moving On
Apr 17, 2016 14:55:09 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2016 14:55:09 GMT -7
I am glad you asked that braveheart. I have agonized about this for months now, but ultimately it is for the care and safety of my daughter. I do NOT want a divorce, but since my husband is doing nothing to address his problem, and has abandoned us with no financial support and little or no contact, he is making his wishes pretty clear.
He has deep-seated emotional issues that must be addressed by a professional; months on end with daily suicidal ideation, erratic behavior, disassociation. When I talked to my lawyer, I asked specifically about legal separation, and if it were a good option. She told me that if I were to die today, there would be NO legal grounds for me to grant custody to another party because he legally adopted her. My child would be stuck in a Godless home with an unrepentant and unstable SA. God forbid.
The only way I can insure her safety and get the financial support I need is to file for divorce, and even then there are no absolutes. I have also thought that being served papers might shock him into reality, but I really think he has been waiting for me to do the hard part so he can drift away and resume his lifestyle of choice.
I know God can do ANYTHING. I have prayed day and night fervently for God to save our marriage, but even the creator of the universe will not force himself on my husband. He has to choose, and I cannot endure the horror that I have been living in for the past year any longer. My child deserves better treatment, and the stress is beginning to take a toll on me. I am now her sole caregiver and provider, so I will do whatever it takes, with God's help, to make sure she is safe and loved.
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