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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2016 9:41:27 GMT -7
Many of you know my story from the wives section of this forum. I found out almost a year ago that my husband had a physical affair, and had had multiple texting affairs with several women since before we were married. I had absolutely no clue that any of this was going on as my husband treated me very well and lovingly in our home. He actually accepted Christ as Savior and joined our church about a year before I found out about his infidelity.
When the truth came out, I agree to meet with him and our pastor to talk about what was going to happen with our marriage. I knew nothing about sa, PA and pleasure addiction, but after hearing my husband's confession I quickly educated myself. We agreed to stay together, and with God's help to work through the problem and save our marriage. We did okay for a few months, but then I could feel my husband emotionally distancing himself from me. He seemed always to be in another world, and I fear that he was falling into temptation again.
My husband abandoned us on October 1st, leaving me and my daughter to fend for ourselves with no financial, emotional, or spiritual support. He bluntly stated that he needed solitude, and flatly refused to speak about what his intentions are regarding our marriage and our family. Within the last couple of months, he has begun going back to the church that we joined together. I moved my membership out of sheer heartbreak and desperation to try and serve God by making a fresh start. I prayed and prayed that my husband would go to church with us, but he told me that if we were still going to that church he would not attend.
I've been a Christian for nearly 40 years, so I know very well what the church says about discipline. It has been nearly six months since my husband abandoned me and my daughter, and he has neither sought help for his addiction nor counseling. Neither has he acknowledged his wrongdoing, and refuses to discuss the boundaries I have set or what his intentions are for this family. I have been praying day and night for nearly six months, patiently waiting for God to do his work in my husband's heart and mind. But now I am growing weary, and resentful for his stringing us along.
My question is this: do I have grounds as a wife in a covenant relationship to write a letter to the Elders of the church he is attending and request that they intervene? As a member of that church, he is subject to the belief systems held by that church and to the very word of God itself. Many of the members of the church are aware of what he is doing, yet no one seems to care what his behavior is doing to his wife and child.
I have vowed to God to do everything possible to save my marriage, but in my opinion the church has failed miserably at being engaged in helping families deal with these types of crises.
Thoughts?
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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2016 9:55:30 GMT -7
Yes you always have a right to ask for help. However the elders of that church know what is going on already. And should have or may have already tried to intervene. Your writing a letter to them will not do anything other then possibly cause harm. You husband needs to hear the bible preached. If he is confronted, he will leave most likely. It is up to the Holy Spirit to convict and change your husband. If your husband refuses the direction of the Spirit, nothing you can do will change things. All you can do is take care of your daughter and yourself and set down and abide by the boundaries you have placed. It is hell what you are going through but Christ is there with you. Lean on Him.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2016 10:56:50 GMT -7
Actually, the Elders DON'T know the details of the problem, only a few members. But they can obviously tell that we are not attending with him.
I agree that my husband needs to hear the word, but I know him and his motivations. He is only going to soothe his own feelings by getting attention, while making himself appear chaste in the eyes of the congregation. All the while, he is heaping mental and emotional abuse on me and my daughter through his willful neglect. I watched him grow cold over a period of weeks before he left us. We were attending a revival the week before he left, and he just sat there, cold and emotionless throughout all the services.
God is not mocked, and I know there will be repercussions for playing church like he is doing. I can't help but think if two men, whom he respects, approach him about this and offer support, that he might listen this time. I can't keep allowing his rebellion to dictate the course of my life. I need to grieve the loss of my father, the loss of my relationship as it were, to start healing somehow. But as long as he refuses to resolve this, I am stuck in limbo. Please pray for me.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2016 12:33:34 GMT -7
Why are you stuck in limbo? His lack of action or decision does not negate your ability to act or decide. You said it hon...you can't keep allowing his rebellion to dictate the course of your life. Move forward...follow God...take care of your daughter and yourself. You are fighting so hard for a relationship that isn't there because the other person does not want it right now. That hanging on is what has you in limbo. Sometimes it's best to follow the addage of Let go and let God. It doesn't mean you are giving up. It means you are chasing after God and moving forward with healing. Unless your husband experiences true conviction, all you will acomplish at the most is lip service and a white knuckle attempt to change which won't work...he may succeed for awhile but it won't last. You have already experienced this once. Do you want to go through that again? Now if you can chase God and heal while dealing with your husband as he is, that is totally different. The thing is that your husband has completely checked out of his responsibilties toward you.
If you feel this letter to the elders is necessary and is not coming from your need to see him repent to you or a need to hurt him as he has hurt you, then write the letter...then pray about it, read it and pray again. If God gives you the ok, send it.
I do not want to be harsh. I see what I lived through with my parents in your situation. I do not want to see you go through the lip service and white knuckling and lying and back sliding that my mother put up with because of her wanting to honor her promises before God. Recconciliation is possible but it has to start with God convicting the addict.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2016 22:57:20 GMT -7
Great advice from Amymine. I couldn't have said it any better. I would add to be cautious involving the elders of your church. Many churches are incapable of providing sound guidance and counsel to an addict, let alone the spouse of an addict. We just left a church recently after we learned of their dismal "counseling" and "church discipline" massive failures. Heartbreaking to learn of the destruction it caused in many people's lives.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2016 8:34:01 GMT -7
Hi broken I just wanted to ask how you are doing with all that is going on in your life? I see you are on but haven't posted. I hope and pray my posts didn't make you feel like your views and ideas are not wanted. We will all see things differently and my posts were intended to make you stop and think and pray before moving forward with this. Basically to get you to check where your heart was in this matter.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2016 12:37:15 GMT -7
Hey Amymine...
I have been so busy that I haven't had time to reply. I am in NO WAY offended, and welcome any and all Godly counsel I can get. I had reached a point of desperation this past week, and was considering all the options available to a wife who is helplessly linked to an SA. I am encouraged today, listened to an amazing and convicting message posted in another section of this forum. I sent the message to my husband, and I pray he listens to it and is convicted. I know it is all about his repentance, a true, Godly, sorrowful repentance through which he turns away from his present behavior and looks directly at himself through the mirror of God's word.
What I struggle with is the fact that although I cannot change my husband, I can change MYSELF. This fiery trial is an opportunity for me to get closer to God than I have ever been before, to take another step in the sanctification process and grow as a true disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ. This is His desire for me, and whether or not my husband decides to join me is immaterial. I must trust God, obey Him and serve Him at all costs. Do I truly believe God can work a miracle in my husband's life. ABSOLUTELY. Do I understand that it is up to my husband to heed God's voice, become contrite and truly repent? Of course. I just continue to pray for my husband to be truly converted, whether it is repentance or salvation is between him and God alone.
One thing I have come to terms with is that I cannot continue to allow him to string me along. April 1 will be 6 months since he abandoned us, and that is ample time for him to have experienced his solitude. I am doing some research, and will make a decision soon as to what comes next. I know God is with me and leading me every step, so I have no fear where that is concerned. I am taking steps to downsize my household expenses, working on a budget and different ways to supplement my income. God is going to take care of me and my daughter whether my husband repents and comes home, or not. And it will have to be in that order. Repent, show proof of the repentance for a period of time, then come home. If he refuses to do that, then I will legally separate from him, and let the courts make him take responsibility for the home and family he abandoned. I am just not ready to consider divorce, because I believe God is at work in this.
Thank you for the prayers, the concern, the support. Praise God, today is a good day. I really needed one...
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2016 12:39:49 GMT -7
Oh, and thank you for sharing the part about seeing what your mom endured. My mother experienced betrayal throughout her marriage to my father, and although I know they loved each other, to watch what she went through was brutal.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2016 14:44:43 GMT -7
I am thankful to see you in better spirits. I am also thankful you realise that you need to concentrate on your walk with God. I agree wholeheartedly that God can work a miracle in your husband's life...I am praying for that to happen. I want to see your husband experience God's love in truth.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2016 4:03:36 GMT -7
I am an elder in our church and am very sad the church you left and that your husband attends hasn't seemed to try to help you at this difficult time. Where is the pastoral care? Where is the support for you and your child? I would be the first to say church discipline is very rare these days but the elders should be actively involved in this whole mess. Especially since the pastor knows. I would leave that church too based on what I understand of the situation. I am in no position to judge your husband but one day I believe he will regret leaving a patient and loving wife and your child. You are on the right track in your own journey and I am inspired by your faith. God bless you.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2016 6:45:09 GMT -7
Braveheart, the pastor who was leading this church was there when we went through our initial crisis. He also was a mediator for us during my husband's limited disclosure. He found my husband a therapist, did couples's counseling with us, and was an open door to both of us at the beginning. But then my husband started withdrawing, missing his professional counseling sessions and eventually refused to see or speak to our pastor at all. Then he left our home. Shortly after that, our pastor took a call to another church. Since my husband was no longer attending, and I wept bitterly every time I sat in our empty pew, my daughter and I moved our membership. My pastor and his wife know EVERYTHING about me and my husband, and have been an unwavering source of prayer and support for me and my daughter. My husband has since started attending our former church, but no one is holding him accountable for what he is doing to our family. Everyone just smiles, hugs and pretends that everything is fine. It makes me sick inside...
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2016 12:12:34 GMT -7
Im so glad you found a good church.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2016 12:56:06 GMT -7
I am glad your pastor and church are behind you in this. It sounds as if the church you used to attend has changed along with its leadership. What brave has said about churches missing the boat is true and it is sad.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2016 13:25:57 GMT -7
I just spoke to my pastor about the leadership at our former Church, and how he feels about church discipline. There are two men who serve as Deacons whom we both respect and Trust. My pastor said he would go with me to speak to the two of them about privately approaching my husband as a means of exhortation. I can ask them to approach him, after prayer and seeking God's guidance I hope they will.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2016 15:37:20 GMT -7
I will be praying that your husband accepts this and does not come away feeling offended but comes away being convicted and ready to change.
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