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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2016 14:28:09 GMT -7
I'm new here, and I hate that I even need someplace like this, but I'm glad it's here.
My husband and I have been married for 11years. We have four sons, ages 2,4,6,8.
He told me when we first met that he had a porn problem/addiction. I had no idea what that meant. One time before we were married, I found a porn magazine At his work, I wish I would have ran then.
His mom left him when he was six and he has a really sad past in that regard along with other anandonment.
In the past three years, we have done celebrate recovery together, and he did pure desire at our church which the leader ended up quiting our church and not finishing.
About 5 months ago (due to him being totally withdrawn from me) I pretty much demanded he go to counseling, professional counseling. He has been doing that every other week, for which he has to drive an hour and a half each way and its $80 a session.
He is back in pure desire group at our church with a new leader. He is a believer also by the way.
He does not struggle with women physically, as in physical affairs. Or talking with women online. But one time I saw in browser history (2 yrs ago I think) he was looking for nude pre puberty girl photos. I just wanted to die.
I just found out two nights ago that he had Sex with our family dog. This happened twice and it was about 5 months ago. I have been crushed and heart broken.
I believe he is truly remorseful.
He says I know this is my last chance.
I am scared to death, and I told him that I am not even sure if this last thing is something I can get over, but I'm taking it one day at a time.
There is nothing more I can ask him to do. He is already in counseling and a pure desire men's group. All I feel I can say is this is the last chance.
But I feel like one day I could just wake up and say I can't get over this and so this anymore. Of course I love my dog and my kids too, and now that's all I can see when I look at her.
I told him this was different, bc it's not fanisizng, it's acting out. Can he recover from this truely?
I guess that's a question for the guys out there. And to the wives, I'm probably the only one that has ever stayed with things being this bad, right???
Please pray for me, and speak kindly and gently to me. Im scared to even put this out there. And I'm trying to weigh the best decisions. I don't want my children to not have their father.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2016 17:36:05 GMT -7
I'm new here, and I hate that I even need someplace like this, but I'm glad it's here. My husband and I have been married for 11years. We have four sons, ages 2,4,6,8. He told me when we first met that he had a porn problem/addiction. I had no idea what that meant. One time before we were married, I found a porn magazine At his work, I wish I would have ran then. His mom left him when he was six and he has a really sad past in that regard along with other anandonment. In the past three years, we have done celebrate recovery together, and he did pure desire at our church which the leader ended up quiting our church and not finishing. About 5 months ago (due to him being totally withdrawn from me) I pretty much demanded he go to counseling, professional counseling. He has been doing that every other week, for which he has to drive an hour and a half each way and its $80 a session. He is back in pure desire group at our church with a new leader. He is a believer also by the way. He does not struggle with women physically, as in physical affairs. Or talking with women online. But one time I saw in browser history (2 yrs ago I think) he was looking for nude pre puberty girl photos. I just wanted to die. I just found out two nights ago that he had Sex with our family dog. This happened twice and it was about 5 months ago. I have been crushed and heart broken. I believe he is truly remorseful. He says I know this is my last chance. I am scared to death, and I told him that I am not even sure if this last thing is something I can get over, but I'm taking it one day at a time. There is nothing more I can ask him to do. He is already in counseling and a pure desire men's group. All I feel I can say is this is the last chance. But I feel like one day I could just wake up and say I can't get over this and so this anymore. Of course I love my dog and my kids too, and now that's all I can see when I look at her. I told him this was different, bc it's not fanisizng, it's acting out. Can he recover from this truely? I guess that's a question for the guys out there. And to the wives, I'm probably the only one that has ever stayed with things being this bad, right??? Please pray for me, and speak kindly and gently to me. Im scared to even put this out there. And I'm trying to weigh the best decisions. I don't want my children to not have their father. Please don't hate the fact that you need a safe place to share. We ALL need that from time to time. I don't know what your feeling right now nor can I imagine the horror of it all. My suggestion is to read some of the wives posts dealing with boundaries. You claim that you can't ask him to do more? Oh yes you can. He is deep into his sin that he is acting out in ways strange to man but not God. God alone can make him well not man. How strong is his relationship with God??? Ask him to take the "NARROW DOOR Challenge" for one week and see how he does. You keep track of it. I applaud him on all the other things that he is doing, they are NECESSARY. But God is the one that is going to break him now or later. Hopefully it will be now. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2016 18:29:07 GMT -7
What is narrow door challenge?
And what u mean by ask him to do more is...he is in counseling and accountability already.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2016 18:44:20 GMT -7
The Narrow Door challenge is a spiritual based challenge designed to rethink your relationship with Jesus and others. It is listed under ANNOUNCEMENTS
I'm glad that he is in counseling and I pray that it will work for him.
I didn't realize from your posting that he was already doing these things. Please forgive my oversight.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2016 18:58:14 GMT -7
Scared welcome to the forums. I am saddened by your post. You are in a tough situation. Your husband is very deep into this sin. I am scared for and your children. They pick up so much more then we ever think is possible. You do need to set down some boundaries. One I would suggest and will possibly be the most difficult to deal with has to do with your pets. You should seriously get that temptation out of your house as soon as possible. You need to cut out all possible ways for him to have access to animals until he gets this sin under control. You should have blocking software on all electronics...make sure it blocks YouTube and Facebook and other social media like snap chat, Twitter etc. He needs a personal male accountability partner. You of course need to be on his accountability team but he needs daily contact with a male accountability partner. It needs to be someone well grounded in Christ and someone he respects and will listen to. You have started well with insisting on counseling for him and going to a group. I would like to suggest counseling for yourself and your children.
I am praying for you hon.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2016 20:27:50 GMT -7
We have no internet available. I have an iPhone (which is locked and an iPad which is locked)
He did say however (the dog incident) that he was very intoxicated that night. And a couple of months ago he decided that we should not keep any alcohol in the house on his own before I even knew what happened.
He has always been truthful when I ask specific questions, and I have asked him if it was a struggle or temptation for him keeping the dog. He said no. That he didn't even know why he did that and it makes him feel like he deserves to die. He said it wasn't something he was tempted by.
I told him it can never happen again, and basically if it does, it's all over.
This is something he will be talking to someone about in his accountability group (pure desire)
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2016 5:47:49 GMT -7
Hi scared. Is pure desire a step program or does it require action and accountability by him in anyway? He needs strict boundaries to protect himself from his addiction. My heart goes out to you as I can't imagine the pain you are feeling. I know the pain I have caused my wife. Stay in contact with Amy and other wives here. You are not alone.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2016 7:06:16 GMT -7
We have no internet available. I have an iPhone (which is locked and an iPad which is locked) He did say however (the dog incident) that he was very intoxicated that night. And a couple of months ago he decided that we should not keep any alcohol in the house on his own before I even knew what happened. He has always been truthful when I ask specific questions, and I have asked him if it was a struggle or temptation for him keeping the dog. He said no. That he didn't even know why he did that and it makes him feel like he deserves to die. He said it wasn't something he was tempted by. I told him it can never happen again, and basically if it does, it's all over. This is something he will be talking to someone about in his accountability group (pure desire) Your husband is taking some steps to control his sin/addiction. That is encouraging. Keep working with him and praying over him. I still strongly encourage you to get into counseling. Both you and your children need it. This sin causes so much emotional and spiritual damage to the spouse and children. |
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 6, 2016 20:36:30 GMT -7
Some of my most destructive acting was when I was in recovery programs and going through counseling. In fact, I never acted out prostitutes until after I joined SAA.
I think, for me, I was overly focused on controlling my addiction. Simply believing that my behavior had to stop first before I could move on. But by doing that, I was giving the addiction more power. I was either obsessed with acting out or trying to stop acting out. It was horrible. And I learned the hard way that Jesus' way for me is much different.
And what John is referring to with the "Narrow Door challenge" is something that we came up with to help us redirect our priorities. Our priority should not be trying to stop the addiction through man-made means. Although counseling, accountability, and boundaries are certainly helpful. Our main priority should be demonstrating that we are abiding in Jesus and living out our entire day according to his purpose.
That's a much different thing then just stopping the P or the s*xual acting out. For me, the "white knuckling" stopped when I applied this much different perspective in my life.
Blessing to you both. Welcome to our forum. Please keep checking in. Thank you so much.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2016 9:31:32 GMT -7
Pure desire is an accountability program. It dives into the why for the addiction and also goes into a lot of information about the brain chemistry of everything as well. www.puredesire.orgThanks for all the support. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2016 15:33:00 GMT -7
Hi scared2death,
You say your husband is seeing a counselor. Is he seeing a therapist who specializes in treating sex addiction? It's very concerning that he has acted out with your dog. I agree with Amymine - the dog needs to be removed from the house for her protection and to remove that as a trigger for your husband. Only you know your full situation; however, the fact that he is acting out with a vulnerable and innocent being (dog) would cause concern for the other vulnerable and innocent ones in your household. I'm not trying to scare you - just ask that you really think and protect the innocents in your home. A therapist and/or support group is invaluable for helping learn how to set appropriate boundaries with your spouse.
Are you seeing a therapist yourself or in a support group for wives of sex addicts? If not, I really encourage you to find one in your area. You need support with all you are dealing with, and you need to really know what exactly you are dealing with. (Don't take your husbands word on it). When I discovered five years ago that my husband was acting out with prostitutes I needed to know what was really going on. You cannot trust a sex addict to just be truthful with you, even if he tells you he is. My own husband confessed to using prostitues about 10 times. However, after a full disclosure backed up with a polygraph - the truth was much, much more than he originally revealed. A sex addiction therapist can help you with getting to the truth, confirmed by polygraph. It's hard to hear the truth, but also provides peace of mind - as you know everything. No more secrets. So sorry to hear all that you are going through. I will be praying for you as well.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2016 21:52:38 GMT -7
How are you scared4? Let us know how you are doing when you get a chance. Praying for you.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2016 6:22:55 GMT -7
How are you scared4? It's been awhile since you posted and shared your story. Let us know how you are doing so we can pray for your specific needs.
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2016 7:42:57 GMT -7
Hi there Scared...checking in on you. Let us know how you are coping, prayers for you always.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2017 23:50:09 GMT -7
I have made a choice to detach with love from my husband. I laid out my bottom line last night. I told my husband that for 15 years he has had his sex addiction AND me. I told him things are going to change.
I told him he has two choices. He can only make one.
I laid it out last night like this "honey ether your sex addiction or me. You cannot have both". He was reluctant and balked. He came up with excuses.
So I let it lie. Today I went to work. He ran errands and cleaned house because he was off work today.
When I got home I asked him did he make a choice?
He reluctantly said he would choose me. I told him what choosing me "looked like". I then read ouloud some excerpts from a book called "when godly people do ungodly things" it has a chapter about how Satan seduces us with sexual sin. And I also told him I am not going to oversee his recovery. I told him if he wants it he'll get it. I have made a choice to not micro manage my husband's recovery
If he wants to talk to me about it that's one thing except for me to hover over him .... no. He's a grown man he can get help with lots of resources available. After 15 years of living under the roof with sexual sin I am only concerned about myself at this point. He will need to gett it for himself. If he does not then I am 100% fearless about leaving.
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