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Post by Deleted on Feb 29, 2016 23:16:16 GMT -7
Hello all. I have been struggling with porn addiction since I first discovered it at 14 years old. I knew from the very first encounter that what I was doing was wrong, but for some reason, I could not stay away from it. I also knew that if I continued on the path that I started on that day, that it would destroy my relationship with the Lord as well as my relationships with other people. Unfortunately, it was already to late by the time I realized this. Several months went by and I continued to try and stop with varying degrees of success. However, I could tell that I was fighting a loosing battle. I asked the Lord constantly to help me be free from the addiction that was so quickly taking over my life. The months turned into years, and I experienced several periods of freedom from porn, although none lasting more than a couple of weeks. I kept my problem a secret, hoping that I could overcome it and find freedom without anyone finding out that I even had a problem. The rest of my life continued as normal without anyone even suspecting what I was constantly struggling with. My addiction was slowly growing and taking more and more control of my life. To make up for the pain and guilt I felt inside, I strove to set myself apart from my siblings. I obssessed over test scores and grades, and tried to make everyone think I was a "great student" or a "good christian". The summer after I graduated from high school, my addiction was not only affecting my relationship with the Lord, it was also making me very anxious in any kind of social situation. I learned to fight this social anxiety and keep up my "nice guy" image. I knew I had to end my addiction before it destroyed my life completely, but I could not force myself to quit. I would beg the Lord every night to snatch me from the jaws of addiction and give me the opportunity to start my life over again. By the time I started my freshman year of college, my porn problem had started affecting my ability to study. Every time a hard assignment or test would loom on the horizon, I would find myself turning to my addiction as a means of coping with stress. By the time I was several months into my first semester of college, I started asking the Lord to take my life rather than let me live with the guilt and shame that pornography caused. Many days on my commute to school I would find myself wishing that someone would cross over the centerline and hit me, thus ending my life and with it my feelings of guilt and shame. I continued in these feelings of self loathing throughout greater part of my semester. The turning point in my attitude towards my addiction came when I by chance turned the radio to a christian station on my way home from school one night. I can't remember what show was on or who it was that was talking, the only thing I remember was voice on the other side of the radio saying the words "you are worthy of love". Something about those simple words made me burst into tears. All this time I had been trying to earn Gods love as well as earn other peoples love and respect. I had spent the last 4 years of my life trying to make up for sin in my life that God had already forgiven, trying to earn his love when he had offered it to me for free more times than I could count. I sat in my driveway for 5 minutes crying like a baby. After that experience my porn addiction continued to get worse. However, I now chose to rely on God rather than try and "power through" my temptation. It appeared that I was improving for the next couple of months, but I slowly began sinking back into my depressed, self-loathing attitude. My time with the Lord also began to decline again after being better than it had been in years. I began to feel useless and unworthy of God's love again. And that brings us to now, two months into my second semester of college, hooked on pornography for 4 years. I want to be free from this addiction more than anything else on this earth. I want to glorify the Lord with my life and not feel like a hypocrite for sharing the gospel with others when I don't fulfill it in my own life. I want to become the person that everyone thinks that I am and that God made me to be. It scares me to see that some people have been addicted to porn for decades without improvement. I want to be free from this addiction before I find the girl I want to marry and before I am ready to raise a family. I am truly desperate. Desperate to be free from thing that has been rotting my life away from the inside out for the last 4 years.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2016 6:31:20 GMT -7
Hi desperate. Welcome to BG. I am sorry you are dealing with the sin of lust. All of us here are affected by it in one way or another. I will point some of our men in your direction. Please feel free to read and post in the other forums. There is a lot of good information here. Also the owner Mike has a couple of sites dedicated to this sin and has written some books. The sites are listed in the scrolling news section on the main board.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2016 6:42:19 GMT -7
Welcome desperate. Please read my story and others in the accountability section. Feel free to ask questions or PM me anytime. You are not alone.
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KevinesKay
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Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 1, 2016 19:44:59 GMT -7
Hello desperate, Thank you for sharing your story. It's truly encouraging to hear from a young man like yourself having the desire to please the Lord with your whole mind and body. Let me assure that you are indeed loved by God and He does consider you worthy of His love just as you mentioned. And time definitely is on your side. Many PAs look back with regret about not starting their journey toward recovery until they were in their 40's, 50's, 60's. I'm running out of time. My computer has a timer. But I assure you that we will connect again. It's an honor to have you among us at Blazing Grace.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2016 21:38:04 GMT -7
Thanks you all for your kind words.
I am glad that I decided to join this forum rather than continue to fight my battle with addiction alone. I hope that through the grace of God I can finally start my journey to freedom and end this problem before it has a chance to degrade my life any further. It means so much to me to know that other people know and understand what I have been struggling with, and that there can be freedom from it.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2016 3:44:30 GMT -7
Support on this journey is so important. We are glad you are here. As much as you want to be free of your addiction , I would suggest that simply focusing on stopping isn't going to last for long. We all have under lying issues of resentment, bitterness and other childish vows and judgements that God wants to deal with. Our addiction is simply a symptom of our brokenness. I would suggest you start a journal to write down all your feelings , thoughts and emotions. Confession to other safe believers is so important so you can learn to receive God's grace and unconditional love. As you grow in that you will be able to forgive others and receive real freedom that holds you in bondage. Hope that helps a little. I like reading proverbs and the psalms especially psalm 51. Bless you.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2016 20:38:32 GMT -7
Braveheart, thank you for taking the time to offer your advice. I have often found the Psalms and Proverbs to be a source of encouragement in my struggle.
After several years of believing that this was something that I could just stop if I put my mind to it, I have come to the realization that focusing on just stopping will always end in failure. Porn and mastrubation have become ingrained in my life and the only way to successfully be free from them is to change my entire life keeping Christ at the center. When I have tryed to quit in the past, after 4 or 5 days I get to the point where the urge is so powerful that resisting temptation is the only thing that I am doing, causing me to neglect all my other responsiblities, including basic things such as my daily quiet time with the Lord.
I plan to start a thread in the accountability section some time soon. I have gone 2 days so far. I fear that after 5 days I will relapse same as usual. In all my previous attempts I have yet to continue for more than a week. It's as if my mind and body have lost the ability to function without porn and mastrubation, or that since I was "growing up" at the same time I was addicted, my body has never known it is suppossed to be able to function without it.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2016 20:43:06 GMT -7
Have you tried blocking and eliminating access to P?
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2016 21:16:40 GMT -7
I did try blocking software at one point. I just found myself disabling it after several days. Unfortunately I have to be on the internet for school and work purposes, otherwise I would try and stay off completely. I am open to suggestions on what the best way to restrict access might be.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2016 4:23:19 GMT -7
I use Covenant Eyes. It requires an Accountability partner and cannot be removed without their permission. They would also see if you tried. They see everything you do online and get all reports. They also can set whatever level of access you need. There is a cost but it can be installed on any many devices as you like.
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My Story
Mar 4, 2016 8:29:26 GMT -7
via mobile
Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2016 8:29:26 GMT -7
Desperate I can relate to your story in so many ways. It's thought going through this addiction as a single. If you ever need help or advice you can message me. Sadly my history and story was deleted and I haven't gotten around to updating it.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 4, 2016 19:47:09 GMT -7
I did try blocking software at one point. I just found myself disabling it after several days. Unfortunately I have to be on the internet for school and work purposes, otherwise I would try and stay off completely. I am open to suggestions on what the best way to restrict access might be. I have my computer completely locked down on "White List" access only. That means that I can only access those sites that I actually needs. Sorry... No Youtube, Facebook, Google, Yahoo for me. Actually, it's not so bad. If you need more access, try Covenant Eyes. Where there is a will, there's a way. Don't give up on finding a solution to make your home a safe place.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2016 7:18:55 GMT -7
Hi desperate,
I'm new here, too. And while I don't have any miraculous or "instant fix" advice, I do want to let you know that you are definitely not alone in this fight. I read your story, and like you, I found myself in a similar situation regarding my persona, or public face. My wife and I were going out into the street, and preaching the gospel to addicts, and ex-cons, and the whole time I was hiding in the shadows with my "dirty little secret". Man, if you don't think that kind of hypocrisy brings on some serious self-loathing and condemnation... well think again, lol! So, I know what it's like to be stuck in that cycle. One of the things which is helping me is information. "My people perish for lack of knowledge", right? Go to www.shelleylubben.com and read what some of the ex-stars of porn have to say about the industry, and how they felt and were treated while they made some of these movies. It can definitely wreck your fantasies (which is a good thing, right?). Every time we "participate", we inadvertently support this life destroying industry. I ask myself, is this the legacy I want to leave? Anyway, I sure don't want to lecture you. I'm definitely not qualified for that. Mostly, I just want to say that it appears there are some good people here, people who have some experience at fighting this fight, and who also seem to really care how you and I are doing. So, my advice is to stay hooked up. Scripture says "there is wisdom in the council of many". Imo, this fight is too tough to try and go it alone. Hope you stick around.
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