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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2006 23:48:59 GMT -7
My fiance and I are fighting and have been off and on for over a year. It is mainly concerned with my struggles with sexual sin and her thoughts on my views of her in relation to the sexual sins. Am I the only one whose mate feels that because I wanted porn, I don't want her? Is this the truth? I feel like I love her and I want to be with her. I've tried to be honest with her as best I can. She asks why I liked them better. I don't know the answer to this. I gave her an anwer trying to be honest, and it upsets her even more. Can we fix this? Is it possible to heal her heart? I admit I struggle with porn. How can I be rid of this monster? Any advice will be appreciated. JE
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Post by mike on Apr 25, 2006 5:49:51 GMT -7
> Am I the only one whose mate feels that because I wanted porn, I don't want her? Is this the truth?
Yes, it destroys their self esteem and they end up comparing themselves to those images. This is addressed at www.blazinggrace.org/cpu.htm. Or, you can read the posts in the wives section and see how they feel.
> She asks why I liked them better. I don't know the answer to this. I gave her an anwer trying to be honest, and it upsets her even more. Can we fix this?
Yes. You have to go all out in doing whatever it takes to break free from porn, and she has her own healing process to go through.
> Is it possible to heal her heart?
Yes, God heals many women's hearts.
> I admit I struggle with porn. How can I be rid of this monster? Any advice will be appreciated. JE
What's the principle way you struggle with porn? Online, or bookstores, or?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2006 6:18:14 GMT -7
I mainly struggle online. I'm trying to break free of this. We are currently separated and she is very upset.
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Post by mike on Apr 25, 2006 6:59:40 GMT -7
Software like Covenant Eyes or Safeeyes can help remove the temptation to act out online. In addition, you will need to get plugged in with either an accountability group, or at least one other guy there... someone who you can meet with on a consistent basis.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2006 10:40:41 GMT -7
How do I fix my fiance? She says it hurts too much and she can't take it and that she wants to die. I feel so bad that I hurt her that much. Now she says she wants to be permanently separated from me. That hurts me so much. What do I do? And how do I answer her when she says "you wanted them more than you want me" and "you said you'd quit last time, so you must be lying now." I want to show her my actions. But we're separated so I can't. What do I do? -JE
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Post by mike on Apr 25, 2006 11:43:25 GMT -7
you can't fix her; God has to heal her heart, and she has to let Him.
You need to focus on cleaning up your side of street, and then let the Lord work on repairing her heart. You rebuild trust with her as you make a commitment to no more lying and complete honesty, no matter what, and as you do whatever it takes to break free from porn. Relationships are built on trust, and honesty is the cornerstone. No honesty = no relationship. The healing for wives article on the site describes the steps she needs to take to find healing, if she wants to. You can't make her want it, which means you have to release her into God's hands.
>And how do I answer her when she says "you wanted them more than you want me" and "you said you'd quit last time, so you must be lying now."
Confess that you lied, that you were wrong and hurt her, and that you're moving in the right direction now, and tell her the steps you're taking. Then, do what you say you're going to do. Ask her to read the Healing for Wives article, which explains that your sex addiction isn't about her, and it's not her fault (which many women assume.)
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2006 11:55:32 GMT -7
How long does it take to heal? I'm willing to wait as long as it takes. Also, how do I answer "there's no difference between last week and now?" I last gave into porn last week and she feels i still want to. i don't know how to answer that. Finally, do you have any lists of groups or individuals around my area that I could contact as an accountability partner? -JE
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Post by mike on Apr 26, 2006 5:42:33 GMT -7
How long does it take to heal?
That depends on her, God - and you. It takes months for some; years for others. This isn't a slam dunk, work the steps and you'll be ok in 60 days type of thing. Most women who are attracted to porn addicts have father wounds of their own, which ties into the pain that they experience when their husbands betray them. There's a lot involved; it's about more than just getting over what you did.
> Also, how do I answer "there's no difference between last week and now?"
By telling her the truth, whatever that may be. You can't control her response, only what you do.
>I last gave into porn last week and she feels i still want to.
Well, the desire to lust doesn't go away overnight, so she may be right. It takes time. Women have a 6th sense that we men don't; I've heard of a wife who knew of when her husband masturbated. They can sense when our hearts aren't right. Or, it could be her pain talking; porn addiction feeds their insecurity. Listen, speak the truth in love, and walk with her.
> Finally, do you have any lists of groups or individuals around my area that I could contact as an accountability partner? -JE
Where is your area?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2006 7:12:16 GMT -7
Hattiesburg, MS
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Post by mike on Apr 26, 2006 7:59:46 GMT -7
Will PM you about this...
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