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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2016 19:35:04 GMT -7
I found this site in September right after I told my husband we needed to separate so he could get some help. I've just been hanging back and reading articles which are amazing! I've been trying to decide what to do and think I've finally decided to fight for my marriage and hope my husband soon becomes the Godly husband i need him to be. Here's a little bit of my story...
After living with an angry, explosive husband for years I found out 5 years ago he had an affair. Before that I had caught him looking at porn. He wanted to stay with me and I thought it was what God would want me to do so we stayed together and things were wonderful for a couple years. But then complacency set it and in again found pornography on his phone last summer. I told him he blew all the trust again and after two months of praying and reading and seeking I told him we needed to separate. I noticed a common theme among these threads is repentance. He was never truly repentant and this is the only way lasting change can occur. I feel that i'd prefer to stay apart until i see repentance and true change in his disposition, which I haven't seen yet. However, he's be seeing a great therapist since September and he said there's usually not a good chance of ever working things out of we stay apart too long. Quite frankly, I had years in mind since it was five years since the last time I caught him. The therapist says there's not much chance of that working and at first I thought who cares. But somehow I'm not completely comfortable with just letting it go yet. I still know God hates divorce.
And so even though he still has his anger issues and a lot of other things to work through, I feel I should at least try for a few months with the counselor and see if things can work.
Does anyone else have any long term repeat offenders that they're staying with? And how are things going?
Thx!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2016 19:57:01 GMT -7
I am glad you're stepping forward and posting. Yes there are a few women who have stayed with long time addicts. I will message them and direct them to your post.
I am bothered by you saying you haven't seen true repentance or change in him and yet you are being pressured back into a potentially dangerous situation. His explosive anger worries. If he was showing repentance and change, I would not be as concerned as I am for you. Your marriage can be worked on while you are separated. Your husband needs to show repentance and change. Remember our God is bigger than this and nothing is impossible through Him. You need to feel safe while you are working on your relationship with your husband. That needs to come first. If you don't feel safe, you will not be able to truly open up and fight for your marriage.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2016 20:08:24 GMT -7
I'm safe, he's "harmless" just easily flies off the handle. He's working on things and has been going to counseling by himself and digging into scripture. I just don't see real repentance, I'm not God, of course, but would think a more mature response when things aren't going his way would be one indicator. The problem is, when he still responds like that I get hurt all over again by not being treated well. It's exhausting. But I'm thinking maybe I need to try the counseling with him for a few months and see if there's any progress. We've been married 23 years and this is not where I wanted to be at this point!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2016 6:46:42 GMT -7
I am glad you're stepping forward and posting. Yes there are a few women who have stayed with long time addicts. I will message them and direct them to your post. I am bothered by you saying you haven't seen true repentance or change in him and yet you are being pressured back into a potentially dangerous situation. His explosive anger worries. If he was showing repentance and change, I would not be as concerned as I am for you. Your marriage can be worked on while you are separated. Your husband needs to show repentance and change. Remember our God is bigger than this and nothing is impossible through Him. You need to feel safe while you are working on your relationship with your husband. That needs to come first. If you don't feel safe, you will not be able to truly open up and fight for your marriage. I guess I should introduce myself, my name is Jonathan and I'm one of the moderators on this forum. My story is posted throughout. From time to time I will post different things that I feel are helpful in one's recovery. I agree with your desire to see "true repentance" but I have to ask just exactly what does that mean for you? In each marriage repentance means different things and each person must clearly understand what repentance is and what is needed to work towards that. From a man's perspective I want to say that this addiction is something we will always need to be on guard against. The world that we live in is sinful and one must be fully rooted in his God in order to overcome it. So my advice for you is to go to your husband with very defined WRITTEN boundaries that you BOTH agree on towards his repentance. One thing I've learned is that repentance doesn't always happen instantly. A change of heart that leads to repentance yes, but sometimes it takes days, weeks, months, and yes years for full repentance to come about. Please be patient and look for the change of heart behind the action. It is really the change of heart that one should be looking for, because with a change of heart repentance just naturally follows. In closing I would like to add that most couples that get through this go through Hell before it gets better. I'm not trying to scare you, but to warn you that things might get worse before they get better. We all have suffered, we all have persevered, we all have had that defining moment that makes all the difference. Your husband is more than welcome to join the men's forum and I hope that he does. It would do wonders for both of you to go through this on the same team. I wish you the best of luck. - Jonathan |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2016 8:07:47 GMT -7
I'm safe, he's "harmless" just easily flies off the handle. He's working on things and has been going to counseling by himself and digging into scripture. I just don't see real repentance, I'm not God, of course, but would think a more mature response when things aren't going his way would be one indicator. The problem is, when he still responds like that I get hurt all over again by not being treated well. It's exhausting. But I'm thinking maybe I need to try the counseling with him for a few months and see if there's any progress. We've been married 23 years and this is not where I wanted to be at this point! I thought my ex was harmless too until I confronted him on watching underage porn. He left bruises on me. I am glad you are taking things slow by trying couples counseling first. Just be careful. It only takes one loss of control for that explosive anger to turn violent. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2016 9:02:55 GMT -7
i have a 'long term offender'. 8 years of catching porn probably on average every 6 months, with what i thought was a good 18 month uncontaminated period that showed he had changed. unfortunately he hadnt, i just hadnt found out he still had a double life. we separated last summer for a month or so. I had not planned to reconcile so soon but he got offered a job 400 miles away so it kind of forced a decision. (we have a young daughter). I am here on faith/hope that the separation was the wake up call. I thought he had had the 'wake up call' 'light bulb moments' every relapse. He changed so much on his journey and became a much nicer person and with how he treated me in the wake of the harm he had caused me. Unfortunately though the addiction was unaffected by all of this. Hopefully the separation has 'worked'. he says he experienced pain without us that was hell on earth. Well, I know what that feels like. so who knows. i think an addict has to have pain to change. I have yet to see a happy ending of a repeat offender without it getting to the point of dramatic consequence. basically because there has not been enough pain-from-porn to swing the balance of the avoidance-of-pain that porn addiction is. If my theory is right my husband may finally succeed. the damage done to the marriage is a different matter though.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2016 11:52:35 GMT -7
It might be helpful to define what you need to see in him as a demonstration of repentance and a change of heart. It's good he's seeing a therapist. I would question why the therapist is asking you to move back in if you do not think he is honestly sorrowful over his actions and pursuing change. Sounds like you have set a good boundary to protect yourself by moving out. He has broken your trust and needs to pursue building that back. Is he going out of his way to demonstrate that he is being truthful? (Like allowing you access to email, phone, text, computer, his time, money, etc.). Does he have reliable, men further down the recovery path to be accountable to? If he is not demonstrating to you by his actions (not words) that he is broken over his slavery to porn/adultery, and is making every effort to turn away from sinful choices, and most importantly turn toward God honoring choices, you would be going back into the same situation you left. I find it odd that the counselor wants to counsel you both together this early on. Any therapist my husband and I have encountered have been adamant that before couple counseling, there needs to be a very long period of individual counseling to work on addiction and all the underlying issues that go with that - anger, bitterness, selfishness, ect.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2016 12:15:07 GMT -7
One other thing that just came to mind is did you get this request to move back in directly from his therapist - or was it through your husband? Could be a manipulation tactic on the part of your husband to get you to move back. Not saying it is, just saying that's a possibility. If it wasn't directly from the therapist, you might want to meet with the therapist yourself to find out his/her thinking and plan.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2016 12:19:19 GMT -7
Always helps to get a second opinion. Trust your instincts girl. If something doesn't seem right about the request then there probably something you need to check out first.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2016 0:14:16 GMT -7
How are you doing skarlet514?
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Post by Deleted on Mar 15, 2016 19:54:27 GMT -7
I am new too. I am very glad I found this site. It came at a crucial time. For me, I just came to a point that I wanted free from the nightmare and wanted more in a relationship than what my husband could offer. I recently caught him doing porn again, with an added twist of strip clubs. The night he gave me my engagement ring (8 years ago), he went home and did porn. I later found dated proof (4 years ago.) I had no tangible proof he was doing porn but just felt the presence of the demons and incresing oppressive influences in our home and against me. I sensed the darkness so strong at times I could see it. His eyes became darker and darked and difficult to look into. Evil... It got worse and worse. He many times denied it when I suspected and asked. So... I searched his computer. Pages and pages and pages of dates and sites he visited over the years. My heart was broken...the lies...the deception...the infidelity. Over the years...waves of incresing mental, physical, spiritual and emotional torment and pain. As soon as I had proof, I could finally give it a name and confront him with proof. I ached so much and was exhausted. Years of dealing with this. Sleepless nights, anxiety, fear, anger, loneliness, tension, condemnation, guilt, questioning myself and everything I do, confusion. How could my beloved bring so much evil into my life? He stood at our front door, opened it, and invited every darkness and demon to come and make their home with us. His closest frinds. I tried to appeal to his conscience over the years with no response, no repentance. So here I am. I forgive my husband. I am ready to heal and be free again, pure, and living in God's lightness.. If my husband chooses to walk through this process of healing and bring the light of God back into his life and our home ...I will be there!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2016 3:35:54 GMT -7
Welcome to BG grace1. I am glad you found us but saddened that you needed to. It sounds like you are on the road to healing, which is wonderful! I will be praying for you and your husband.
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