Where do I start?

My dad was addicted to pornography all my years of growing up. He was a successful business man and our family looked well put together. Only those inside our walls knew that everything had a sexual connotation to it. I was sick of it. I decided that my choice of husband would not be one like that. That was many years ago and I've continued the pattern. I discovered that a successful business man I was sexually involved with was heavily into all of it and more. I left him and was devastated that I brought that back into my life. All the degradation and comparison to what he viewed. It took years to overcome that and tried to grow in my walk with Lord. I never really overcame it though. The worst of it was probably when we had a "quicky" and he threw my skirt over my face and watched porn on the TV while he had sex with me. Everyone I knew said I was a pretty girl and need to find a "nicer" guy. I didn't feel one bit pretty. I had dreams that I had worms crawling inside of me and they were trying to get out. I then married a man who promised me that this isn't an issue for him but on our honeymoon I caught him peeking inside the door of an adjacent room we were walking by. I lost it! I sobbed and thought my life was over. That was 25 years ago. My heart has been crushed so many times I feel hard to so much. He tries so hard to win me back but I feel like I don't care anymore. He has joined an RU group but I can never feel safe and loving with him.  The minute we begin to be playful a switch gets flicked in his mind and his kiss doesn't feel sweet anymore. I want sweetness and safety again.